When I first discovered my brain didn't function in the same manner as a good majority of the world, I felt free. It was if the whole world opened up to me. I was able to see things I'd never seen before.

I started looking for the key that would unlock more.

I was actually in counseling at the time. The counselor was a wonderful man who, unfortunately was fascinated with me. He put me through all kinds of psychological evaluations. He even had me take a Meyers Briggs test home with me so that my husband could take it. He was very curious as to what type of personality I was attracted to. Strange, but... what the heck, huh?

Anyway, It was the Meyers Briggs test I took, not the first dozen.. but the one with that counselor who was truly interested in me.

I scored all Thinking on that test. No feeling what so ever. I had lost all emotion at that time. His comment to me was that one day, something emotional was going to happen that was going to kick me in the butt and make me feel again. And when it did happen.... HOLY COW! I was knocked back about twelve years, back to when I was an emotional basket case.

My Dad died. I handled it very well... even though it was pure chaos everywhere because of it. I handled it.

I had no idea that I didn't handle it well.... until I was sitting on the couch, adding the family's addresses from my address book into my brothers.

I asked my brother if he wanted Grandma Dabbs' address and phone number, even though she was in a nursing home with dementia and didn't know anyone other than the doll that was her baby that she took care of.

The whole room got quiet. I looked at my brother who was looking at me funny. I gave him my confused look and said, "WHAT?"....

No one in the room said a word. They were all looking at me as though I was completely nuts. I looked at each face. My kids faces were worried, my husband, who was sitting right beside me put his hand on my leg but wouldn't look at me.

I looked back to my brother for an explanation. He told me, without words.

Then, it hit me. All of the events from that day sitting on the couch, and back to my teen years came flooding into me at one time.

Everything that I handled so well for all those years came back in that instant.

I started crying... "Grandma died, didn't she?" My husbands hand started rubbing my leg. My brother looked at me with sympathy. My kids looked so confused.

It took another minute for me to remember. Grandma died one month before Dad did.

I was an emotional mess. I started blubbering and was on a rampage at the same time. I yelled and screamed about being hurt by my ex-husband's abuse. I cried about the miscarriages, I screamed at the pain of having to bury my daughter who was stillborn...I cried at the loss of both my grandmas.. I rampaged about the fear I felt at the hands of my ex-husband, I cried for the fact that I was left with a house full of antiques, a barn full of tractors but no money to feed my children.

I cried because I was afraid of other things I'd been unemotional about. I was afraid of whatever catalyst I had begun.....

I lost my job soon after, kind of on purpose... Then, I had a heart attack...
A few months later, I found this site. So many things are coming into place now.

I've gained knowledge from so many here. I've become stronger emotionally and spiritually. I'm just beginning to see things a little more clearly now.

Thanks to all of you teachers... each and everyone of you who God has put here in order to teach.

I know I've written a book here.... but, this comment to me was left on my Rep point... it was what got me started...

I don't know who wrote it, but, I wanted to thank you for it. Those are the most profound words anyone could ever give me.

I am deeply thankful for whoever cared enough to tell me this.

Love...
Lori

Thanks for sharing this Dabbs, it puts alot of things in perspective for me. Blessings in you continued journey and healing.

cosmic cuddles Dabbs I went through something very similar about 2 years back before I decided to go to university, at the time I was a mess, I think 2-3 days of bawling, rocking, twitching, it all came out, and I too remember lots of horrible images, it's never fun but these things have to be remembered in order to let go of them and move on..

what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, I can see you getting stronger already

Thank you ... Just a need to share and to thank!

I don't like the feeling thing.... why is it so much easier to feel others pain than it is to feel our own?

I guess in a way we have a guilt that we shouldn't feel such immense pain, perhaps we even become attached to the pain, I don't really know the mechanics of it all, although much of it is described on the biology of kundalini site in my sig below, one thing that I found helped to release any residual pain was the primal release pose. Check that one out if you want to proceed further, bear in mind this sheds the onion skin layers we have around our heart and will allow you to feel more but you have to experience the pain of the onion skin - what formed the skin at the time in order to let it go

Thank you for sharing with us, Dabbs--those are some terrible difficulties.

You are a nurturer more than probably anyone here, and when you give so much to others, it probably is easy to detach from your own emotional pain, maybe necessary to do so even. Being able to put aside the emotion probably helped you do what you needed to do at the time, including caring for the children you have.

My own heart aches for the griefs you mention. That's a lot to deal with.

*BIG HUGS*
Dabbs, this is so touching, I felt like this too some time after my father passed on. It was like letting out all the emotion of the grieving process. I tried to be strong for my family at the time of his death because I was the one who spent most of the time with him through his sickness. I felt all the loss and regret of my family around me and I felt I didn't have to grieve because he was still around.

But then years later I dreamed he was right there and he embraced me and said I had to let go. Waking up I broke down. When it comes out it seems like we are depressed or crazy but it is just feeling everything for a period of time so that we can understand, let go and then move on. Can relate to thinking too much to shift the intense emotion felt. When it comes out it is scary but sometimes it is necessary to free and open the heart from these blockages we hold onto.

Thank you for sharing your experiences here with us. That anonymous message is great. It's inspiring me to leave anon inspiring messages for random people hehe

Ah, but Lake, it is so lopsided when you detach from your emotions. It's unbalanced.

At least I can look at look at things, problems... and detach my own emotions from them. I do it all the time, but, I'm starting to realize that it's not a good thing to do. Heck, how many heart attacks can a person have?

Um, Lola just had a small one. Go see the rambling thread.

It may be unbalanced, but sometimes when we're in survival mode, we're in survival mode.

Ahh, so, I need to prepare myself to suffer the pain... I guess knowing it's coming is different than the sideswipes that caused the problems to begin with, huh?

Thank you Patryc.

When the pain comes Dabbs - and it will - let yourself feel it ALL OF IT - but don't become attached to it.

I know this sounds contridictory, but it really isn't. Feel the pain, and then let it go.

*hugs* to you

I had something like this happen. It was like.. all the prejudice, which perhaps I didn't even know I had.. and about 99 percent of my individuality felt like it got burned off in a fraction of a second.. it hurt, but it didn't.. burned in a pleasant kinda way.. and the loss of equilibrium lasted for weeks. But I didn't really care.. the analytical side of me just kinda sat on the sidelines, saying "well, if that's what ya wanna do.."



I didn't lose or quit my job though.. I had mathmatics and logic to cling to..

So I have a couple of questions.

1. Is this similar to your experience?

2. Would you go on the ride again? In a strange kind of way, I would..

Ham... I don't think I have a choice..

I think I'll go for the ride whether I want to or not!

It's been a while since I went through that awakening.
I've learned so much since then, but...
I do slip back into the not feeling and it really bothers me. At least now I know what to remind myself of. I know the warning signs.

I yell now... I cry. I let it out.

You can't go on forever not feeling. Like my counselor told me... it'll kick you in your butt!

Darn it... it's happening again.. I knew I shouldn't have said anything, well, maybe I knew before hand and my original post was there for me to reference when it happened..

I'm shutting down...
No emotion..
I'm not feeling what I know I should be feeling.
I don't need to yell, I don't need to scream or cry or tear things apart...

I'm not emotional about it.

I should be.

Maybe I'm not emotional because I really don't care anymore....

I know if I post what's going on, you're all going to jump right in with the love and light... I would if someone else was going through this.

I also know I'd tell whoever was going through the same thing to get some help with the emotions....

I'd encourage them to let it out.... to open up and share...

I have absolutely no desire to.

I have no desire to do anything.
I'm on auto pilot again. I'm functioning with what I've conditioned myself to do.

Hah! Now would be a good time to get factual information out of me... without any emotion what so ever. Got some off the wall concept that you want an honest opinion on? ASK NOW.... it's just the facts and logic. Nothing else. No funny remarks, no smart ass remarks... just the hard honest truth, no shucks, no holding back... no anything. Just the way it is...

I'll be back when I get myself back to normal, if I can.

grins

keep at it Dabbs your getting there

autopilot can be an effect of feeling too much too quickly which happens when you let go of a lot of pain, I had that happen a few times, I cleared a big hunk of pain and then became really sensitive

it was quite daunting when you start to feel that much, becoming aware of a lot more, you do try to numb yourself because the more aware you become the more you realize about yourself, some of the pain is buried because you couldn't deal with it at the time, you had to bury it, make sure you have plenty of time for nurturing yourself, the healing / you time

another interesting thing, pain can be related to karma - karma in the bad sense (some people consider karma good or bad but to the Chinese it is all bad, the opposite is what they call white matter or virtue, this clears Karma). So when you have been experiencing this pain you are also clearing your karma and raising your Xinxing - mind nature

it's good to take time to ponder things without emotion. you see things differently at times ...I think. just seeing different perspectives stuff like that.

take care .... take a walk, have a bath.. hot and bubbly.

My mood is lightening as I type.... Actually, my neighbor needed my help and that was the best medicine I could have at the time. I walked over and laughed with her...

Not so much baggage there now!
Then, I talked to the garbage man, who I think may be mentally challenged in some way, but, that was nice. He didn't throw my garbage cans near the road today! LOL

good good, always helps to get things in perspective

wow! you get garbage pick up...lucky LOL
I have to take mine to the land fill/dump some 20 km away...

cool i miss that service....