Witless Rambler

Whoa, I haven't thought about this website in so long. Are any of the old peeps still hanging around?

Reading my old posts really opens my eyes to how much I've changed; though I'm on an anti-anxiety right now, so I wonder if the change is artificial.

It's amazing how much I've grown. I really know a lot about who I am now and where I stand on things. The panic, social anxiety and insecurity are still there, though I try my best to plow through it all, head bowed ...

It seems fitting that the first of the year was the first time I woke up in my first apartment.

Things are changing though inside me.

My panic attacks have increased ten-fold, but only when I'm at work, but at the same time I, for the first time in living memory, feel like I have the right to be here.

It's like walking toward morning through a hurricane.

I yearn desperately for companionship and support, but will not settle. I will be ...

"I'm so sick of having my definition and self be based off of others' thoughts and treatment of me."

I intellectualized this thought and idealized it's implications a year or two ago, but never really, truly felt it's result until now. I couldn't live the confidence the thought endowed, no matter how desperately I wanted to.

I was raised, not as a person, but as a thing. Something to be enjoyed when it was convenient to Them, harmed when it calmed Their ...

I am banging my head against the wall, looking for real people.

Lately it seems I haven't met or come across any people who are, but rather people who want to be without trying.

I'm going mad. I'm very lonely.

I have poor attention.

I was driving my PE at work the other day. A PE (personal equipment) looks like a forklift, but the forks only lift about 6 inches off the ground. You pick up pallets with it and carry them around. The freight you carry around often weigh up to two tons and more. To counteract that and insure balance, the PE was made very heavy, weighing about twice as much as a car without freight on it.

The other day I turned too slowly down an aisle- because ...