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Without going into too many details about my past: parents are addicts, divorced when I was a baby. Grandparents and god parents never stepped in to help when I needed help. As an adult, I was basically abandoned--went into the system because my mom screwed up as a parent and I was already in the system as a teen.

So I decided to better myself. My family would tell me I should only get a certificate or get an associates degree, that I should forget about what I want to do and do ...

Originally Posted by rafi

Hi there, jujiki/Tudor! Welcome to IS. Where we indigos and other people who have had to live with being different find a place to support each other and share information.

Sure, I'm grateful for the decades of experiences, good and bad, that have turned out to be essential for spiritual development. But truth is, in junior high (middle school) I would have sold my soul to be popular. The desire to fit in is normal-- we need each other to survive; in a way, conforming is instinctive.

...

Sometimes I get lost in this amusement park called earth and perception.

Sometimes it is like a roller coaster, with ups and downs, anticipation, fear, joy.

Other times, it's whirly and I feel like I've had enough.

The colors, the sounds, the people, it all feels so real that I just keep going back on the ride.

I want to let go, even if that means falling off the ride.

I'm tired of always moving but going no where. ...

Processing feelings probably came naturally to me when I was very young, but I grew numb over the years to get through the trauma. Even some of my physical sensations go numb. For example, I was having these burning cramps earlier, and then I just went numb across my lower abdomen. The pain is gone, now it's just numb and emits a warmth.

Psychologically speaking, I have a lot to process. Repressed emotions from the past. Current stressors. The toxicity that lingers from so much ...

I must not fear
fear is the Mind-killer
fear is the little-Death that brings
complete obliteration

I must face my fear
Let it pass through me
and around me

and when the fear has passed
I will turn my vision inward
to where the fear had been

in its place there will be nothing
only I remain.