Confused Newbie

I've recently discovered that I am some kind of a light worker and I am confused as to what is going on with me. I can't talk about this with friends, family, doctors or else I will end up in a psychiatric ward - lol

A little background on myself. Anyone that has met me has described me as unique, one of a kind, where did you come from, wonderfully complicated - that came from a boss. I have met strangers that have told me that they will never forget me. I have the craziest laugh that some are either annoyed by it (especially when they are trying to sleep or concentrate) or have asked me to make a recording of it so they can hear it when ever they want. I am hyper, loud, have a potty mouth and am always ready to take on authority. I loved to party to the point of addiction and I was an adrenaline junkie. You know jumping out of planes, exploring back mountain 4x4 roads teetering on the edge of cliff's, trying to do wheelies with your dirtbike, (PS - I am female) etc. Yet I am so empathetic that I cry so easily. For example, I cried 3 times during the movie finding nemo. I cry anytime I watch tv cuz I can feel the characters pain as if it is my own. I feel others emotion pain. Even strangers. I have a deep need to help others, to be the voice that they are too afraid to be. I can't watch the news or read the newspaper because it really gets me revved up!! I feel spirits and believe I have a sixth sense. I have an internal bullshit detector and it really pisses me off when people flat out lie to my face. One side of me is peace and love, the other side is warrior like but in a good way. I can't stand religion because it is separating humanity, not bringing it together. I have a problem with people telling me that I'm going to hell if I do not act or think like them. I know I am a loving being just the way I am. I do not judge people and embrace all. I don't care if your young or old, rich or poor, black or white, gay or not gay, etc, etc. I've never been spiritual up until recent.

I had a dirt bike accident in June 2007 that has left me temporarily? permanently? disabled. As I was an active person who loved the outdoors and was planning a year long back packing solo trip around the world, this deeply crushed me. The accident brought every ugly, negative, deep routed pain to the surface. My heart bled with pain everyday, not to mention the physical pain of the injury. Within 14 months of the accident, I was completely dead inside. There was nothing left but blackness. I felt as though my spirit was dead and my soul was lost. I even packed up my collection of angels and put them into storage. I was suppose to go for my
2nd surgery on Sept 26, 2008. I knew that I would not be able to endure the pain and recovery of what was to come and cried to the universe every night to help me figure out what I need to do to get through this deadness. I need to be alive and positive to go through the repeated surgeries and rehab. None of the strongest narcotics helped with the pain at all. All they did was dope my head out!! By Aug 2008 I stopped watching tv including the soap that I have watched for the past 23 years and was on the internet researching everything paranormal and metaphysical. I've always had an interest in those subjects but never really dived into it. I knew that I needed to go away before the surgery to somehow clear the deadness. My first idea was a trip to Africa. Egypt and a safari. That quickly faded as I imagined how it would be in my wheelchair. I can walk about a block but anything more, I need a wheelchair. Then I thought I could hire a helicopter to drop me off at the top of a mountain for a couple of weeks. That wasn't going to work. I'm terrified of being in the bush alone and I am so scared of the dark that I sleep with a night light. As soon as I started sleeping with a night light, the night terrors that I had (I didn't know I was having them, my boyfriend at the time told me) stopped. Somehow I came across Sedona. I never knew it even existed. Something strongly told me that I must go there. I phoned a retreat centre (one on one, not group) and signed myself up for a week long spiritual retreat. The very second I hung up the phone, my shoulders lifted, a little bit of death escaped, I cried but they were tears of happiness. Like somehow I knew that I was going to be ok and alive again. I booked the trip in Sept 2008 so that I would have one week at home before I went for surgery. I had an amazing time in Sedona. I don't know what the hell happened but when I got home, I felt as though the skin I'm wearing is not mine.

The stuff that I am doing, no one in Sedona told me to do. The deep routed pain that I use to feel is no longer there. Instead of looking for the sperm that made me and telling him what a piece of shit I think he is, I want to meet him and thank him for abandoning me cuz its made the person I am. Instead of driving my car into the surgeon's legs so that he can feel the struggle of what I'm going through, I want to thank him for being ignorant to my injury. I am no longer scared that I may be permanently disabled. I feel as though I can take on the good, the bad and the ugly. I just enrolled in a Metaphysical Sciences Doctorate program and it doesn't scare me in the least. The more I meditate, the more my sixth sense strengthens. I no longer sleep with a night light. I am in the middle of changing my apartment to my own personal peaceful sanctuary. I removed my tv's, vcr's, dvd players, play station, etc from apartment along with my couch, chair, kitchen table. I am putting up an outdoor tent thingy in my living room and I have nice big fluffy pillows on the floor to sit on. This tent is filled with waterfalls, candles and different essential oils. I have gone crystal crazy and can't buy enough of them - lol I read all the time on metaphysical type subjects. The only thing I read prior to all this is the enquierer and star magazine, etc. I just spend $800 on books. I never knew of the term, indigo adult, earth angels, etc. I feel like I'm living a Noah's Ark kind of tale and that I'm being prepared for my mission. I have this deep need to lead, teach and heal and I don't know where its coming from. I am confused as to what I am cuz everything I have read about indigo adults and all the different kind of earth angels, I fit in all categories. Also, I'm wondering if I am a walk in? And if I am, is the other soul now at peace? I went for some energy work and lost 2 hours of the time when I was there. The practioner was nearly in tears afterwards. She was so happy to meet me. She said that I grew extremely tall while she was working with me and that I was made of pure crystal. In her head she thought that it is impossible that I am made of pure crystal but those were the feelings that she was getting. She also mentioned that she did feel as though I was a walk in. The activities that I use to enjoy doing, I don't. I have a cubbard full of hard liquor and have no intentions of drinking it. I use to have a need for it so that I could party it up whenever I wanted cuz the liquor store is not open at 4am and because I live in Canada, we don't have markets that we can get beer or other booze when ever we want. I can't stand going out because the ignorance of society is really getting to me. Don't get me wrong I am so excited and happy and look forward to each day of life but at the same time I am confused and am trying to find some kind of balance. Oh yeah, I use to have an extreme problem with OCD. Everything had its place in my apartment and if it was out of place I was extremely full of anxiety!! Now, I've literally got stuff everywhere and it doesn't bother me in the least.

Well, thats my introduction. I could go on and on and on as I love to yap. I'm hoping to converse with like minded beings cuz I don't know anyone as of yet like me. And although I know I am not going crazy, it would be nice to be able to talk openly without others thinking I'm crazy.
Best of luck to all!! Love and light : )

Hello Mis Angel,

I'm sorry about the physical injuries and all the challenges you've had to go through.

I have to be honest with you. Your energy seems really scattered and intense. It was like watching a machine overheat and throw steam off!

Take a few deep breaths baby. Before you run off to lead, teach and conquer the world, reel it in and be sure to master the basics.

Meditation, grounding, shielding and service to others. There are tons of resources right here on this site. Click on the tags button and type in the subjects you are interested in.

good luck on your journey.

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Stay present and not needing past pain to define you or fear of the future to justify you. E. Tolle

MA, your introduction is inspiring, amazing, miraculous, profoundly beautiful. I am touched by your presence here. I welcome you, though I am still a newbie myself.

I don't at all think you are crazy. I don't know if I have anything to help with your confusion... to even say that feels odd...you don't seem confused to me at all. You seem clear and awake. I hope that joining IS provides you with all that you are looking for and need. I am happy you are here and look forward to hearing more from you. Blessings.

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Family of Light renegade

Thanks for the feedback Indigo Dog and beautifulmind. I appreciate it! It is comforting to know that I am not alone. I do realize that my energy is scattered and intense. I plan to spend the next couple of years getting my doctorate in metaphysical sciences while continuing to heal myself spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Meditation is a must for me! I live at the start of the Fraser Canyon so I am fortunate to be able to spend time in nature without having to go far. I am surrounded by mountains. There are 3 lakes, 2 rivers, 2 waterfalls within 5-10minutes. Nature soothes me. I won't be running out the door anytime soon to heal the world (lol) as I still have lots of healing to do myself.

Peace be with both of you : )

Hey Woman!!!

Welcome to the wonderful world of completely insane people...

You sound like you mentally bounce around more than I do... Darn... someone get the tranquilizers!!

I have a feeling we're going to have some fun with you here....

Your adventure seeking soul is still there, you've just squashed it down. The world is waiting for you...

Consider this site as your microwave... and you're the marshmallow..... lol.... You're going to expand even more in here!

And, by the way..... giggle giggle....

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OMG Dabbs the Tao of the Expanding Marshmallow!
You have started the official Indigo Religion.

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Stay present and not needing past pain to define you or fear of the future to justify you. E. Tolle

Marshmallows..... on a stttttiiiiicccckkkk!

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Now there are two of us, we shall take over....

Disability can lead to new understandings and new growth. I can't say I've ever felt that kind of anger, or at least channeled in that particular way, and that concerns me, though it's good you're no longer feeling that.

There are websites on accessible travel, but I haven't searched for adventure travel kind of info. Finding accessible trails, especially of sufficient length, can be difficult--probably more so in Canada.

mischevious angel your post just had me fascinated. Thank you so much for writing about yourself so personally. It sounds like you are in a very exciting time in your life. The changes you have gone through and are going through are amazing.

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The little space within the heart is as great as the vast universe. The heavens and the earth are there, and the sun and the moon and the stars. Fire and lightening and winds are there, and all that now is and all that is not. --The Upanishads

oooo I wish I had read this one sooner. even though you wrote a freakin book lol. I usaully stop reading those kind of posts at once. anyways man i thought you were a dude at first with all the crap you said. But honestly I am not gonna lie about it, i am sorry and feel bad you had to have your freedom taken like that. I am just like you and often thought of losing my ability to do what i do. Although I am quite the whatever guy so I came to the realization i wouldnt care too much. But I really like you and enjoy what you wrote here. By losing something you gained a deep part of yourself that no thrill could possibly overcome. I am sure you need more time to heal, but I hope your time here helps you heal spiritually and mentally. The love you seek for acceptance is here. I hope we get to know eachother for you seem like such a free spirit. But once again dont believe by losing your ability to do all that athletic stuff has binded you down and made you caged. It has allowed you to free your mind and find yourself. I hope you find peace and love in your journey. *hugs*

If you guys think my anger frightens you, it frightened me a whole lot more. What I wrote was a very small part of the anger I use to feel. I was scared of myself and what I might do (drive my car into the surgeon who told my doctor there was nothing wrong with me and to find someone else to figure it out cuz he is going on vacation) Because of his ignorance I may end up disabled the rest of my life. Although, my new outlook knows why that accident happened. It was to get me on my path that I was not on. I can now honestly say that I am glad the accident happened as everything happens for a reason. I was angry that I can no longer do all the active things I use to, not to mention the excruciating pain that the highest of narcotics would not help. My previous life goal was to back pack around the world by myself and to volunteer where I could and learn about different cultures and countries. I treated my leg as the enemy but now it is my friend. I now know that no matter what happens to my leg, I will live a happy prosperous life and that it is up to me to make it happen. I have discovered that yes, I can still travel. I did go to Arizona by myself for 11 days. I didn't get to go river rafting on the Colorado River at the base of the Grand Canyon. However, I did get to drive around the Canyon and go on a helicopter ride. I may not be able to trek to Macchu Picchu but I can take the train there instead. Basically I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and I am going to embrace what I can do. There are so many people in this world that are worse off than I am. I still have a long way to go in my own personal healing before I can think about helping others. I really believe that my leg will fully heal within 3 years. God has given me this time to use wisely and to prepare me for my mission. Even if my leg doesn't fully heal, I will still embrace life and continue my mission. Alot of my anger came from years of abuse and abandonment. I now know why those horrible things had to happen to me. They have made me who I am today. How could I be a good empath or healer if I didn't know what deep routed hurt felt like. Even when I feel I am at my weakest moments, my friends tell me I'm one of the strongest person's they know.

Lake - What kind of disability do you have? Were you born with it or did it happen during your adult years? Any advise on how not to let disability rule my life and how to accept it fully. I feel I'm on the right path but maybe I can get some tips from you.

Dabbs - lol I have a feeling I'm going to like it here. You have a great sense of humour!! I am a naturally hyper soul - lol Do you realize how many people in my life would love to give me a traquilizer just to turn me off for a few minutes - lol Thanks for the kiss! Its been awhile - lol

Love and light,
MA : )

My family would love to medicate me... so would a few ex-bosses... lol.... I can be kind of like a ping pong ball on speed...

Welcome...

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Azure Prince - I'm a Gemini - I love to yap!! I even do it in my sleep - lol Yeah, I thought I would mention that I was female cuz most probably would have thought I was male. I'm not your avg chick. I hate shopping and love to get down and dirty with nature. A fun day for me use to be "How high do you think I can get all 4 tires of my truck off the ground by trying to jump it" The answer - 2 - 3 feet without it falling apart - lol I still want to jump out of planes cuz I figure if I just land with my left leg up so that it doesn't hit the ground, I'm good to go. My Shaman told me I need to take it down a notch or I am going to end up dead. I am definately a free spirit! As crazy as it sounds, the accident is one of the best things that have happened to me! Yes, it did take a part of me away, but it gave so much more back to me! The power of the mind is amazing!! *hugs back*

lol I hear ya!! I spend my younger years "entertaining my family and friends at school" Actually I still do. Anything for a good laugh!! My bosses knew when I drank a mocha cuz yeah, ping pong ball on speed - lol I repeatedly got kicked out of class for laughing and disruption. I'm always up to something and those that know me, know the twinkle in my eye. They beg me, please... whatever it is.... don't do it to me - lol

OK, as I am a newbie here, please bare with me as I don't know if any of you are going to see my reply's as I just added to this post rather than reply to a quote. I will get the hang of it - lol

dont worry bout it. One must begin somewhere.

Joining the disability community and meeting those with similar issues helped me greatly as I made the transition to wheelchair use in the past year. This time around (U.S.), there's an ADA and I can actually go somewhere rather than sit in a wheelchair (I mean without actually being able to move around, just as the Barbie wheelchair doesn't fit the Barbie dreamhouse). Thus it liberates me, and I actually had tears of joy when I got it, to be released from some of the pain and to be able to go places with my family again, though I've been more housebound lately. I thus resent the "wheelchair bound" or "confined" terminology. Without my blue chariot, where would I be? It's a blessing to have such technologies.

The thing is, disability will rule your life sometimes, and that's okay. The complexities of navigating the healthcare system, trying to deal with physical limitations that tire or give pain, simply spending more time trying to get into buildings or around, preplanning every task--that consumes an immense amount of time and energy. That it will sometimes rule your life is not something most in the AB (abled) community or most in the health care profession will get, nor can most get the pain. They're just not going to, they can't. It's a myth that we have to "overcome" our disabilities, a myth that perpetuates the idea that we are less than people who walk. Because often it can't be overcome. As far as doctors go, though your options may be severely limited in terms of choice in Canada, choose new doctors if you can. They're still going to make mistakes and misjudgments sometimes. They're human.

Nevertheless, we're more than our disabilities and a life of the mind is important--such physical challenges as you describe also take a lot of sustained mental effort and willpower, and that's not something you've lost. Sometimes disability is the next xtreme physical challenge.

How to accept it fully? Usually I can, though honestly this week I'm not since there are new issues to contend with. Knowing other people with disabilities helps. Trying not to internalize the disablism I get from other people helps. Going to counseling just to deal with the health issues, the normal life demands I suddenly absolutely couldn't meet, people's reactions to and judgments of me, this helped immensely.

I had a considerable amount of disability as a child, was able to "pass" for over a decade, then a lot of problems in the past few years. I won't post more on the specifics here, but I'll tell you more in PM and send some more information. I also started a pain thread somewhere under the health section.

Lake,
I'm sorry to hear life has given you so many challenges and continues to do so. People use to tell me, forget about what you can't do and concentrate your efforts on what you can do. Easy for those to say that are not in your situation. However, something magical recently happened to me to the point that it doesn't matter to me if this is the way I have to live. I feel that I have lost so little compared to what I have gained. My mind has been freed. It is the greatest gift! Your right about people not understanding. I've only been in my situation for 16 months. They don't understand that I just can't go out the door without careful planning and sometimes the pain is just excruciating, not to mention the demanding physio schedule. Some people use to come up to me and ask why do I look so sad? Are you kidding me? And then they say I don't know what I would do if I couldn't work. I'm thinking work?? Work is the farthest thing from my mind. I am fortunate though that I am able to walk a short distance on level ground. I'm happy to hear that you have been getting around more. Well, up until recent. I checked my PM and didn't see a msg yet, so I don't know the details. Please don't feel obligated to tell me, but if you are comfortable with sharing or just want someone to talk to about it, I have good ears. I don't know what I would do without my wheelchair. I guess this is also a time where I find out who my real friends are. I use to get embarrased to go out in public and didn't want my friends to have to deal with packing me and my wheelchair around. They always tell me they don't care about the wheelchair, lets go. I wish you all the best!! I send my love and light to you!!
MA

I bet you had no idea that I was litteraly twice your age - lol 420 huh?? me too.

One definitely finds out who real friends are, who can handle it and who can't. Acquaintances always ask me what I can do, if I'll not have to use a wheelchair, if I'll get better. I don't think in those terms. Maybe this is the way I usually avoid depression, when I don't worry about what is to be or might be and keep my possibilities open. I have had immediate high pain mistaken for depression, but getting the pain level down a few notches is an absolute and immediate curative in this regard.

I also like being outdoors, so limitations in that regard, both in terms of time and extent, can bother me. But yes, it's mostly in people's imagination that one can't live this way...fully... A lot of those who say they couldn't cope would. They'd find other interests and activities and modify as needed. A lot of people don't work for other reasons and do fine.

Yes, the embarrassment factor. That still gets me sometimes. Like having a car full of people stare, mouth agape, missing the green light. I don't like the questions about what's "wrong" with me from ableds who when given an answer, start asking questions and then more questions that either unleashes my medical history or makes me seem rude, or who ask personal questions, such as ones this week about my bathing (unless someone gives me the context, like they're caring for someone else). I try to frequent the places where I don't seem to run into any issues, where people are more accepting.

Mine mostly came at first from running into people I know who didn't realize where this was headed, and then they want all the details, and then they get emotional and I'm busy trying to reassure them, which strikes me as ironic. And since I know a lot of people, this meant lots of awkwardness plus worries about how I was perceived.

Patience, yes, disability teaches patience...and heightens the appreciation of so very much that we might normally miss or be too busy to see.

Great to exchange information with you. I see you found my PM.