Just to let everyone know I may not be around for a while, because I have terrible issues with my mum.
Mum is getting worse with her mind games and aggression towards me, she is taking it out on the puppy, using it to make me do things for her. Because I stand up for my self, and because the puppy also bites a lot more than a puppy should, mum is taking it out on the puppy by sending it to the kennels tomorrow. Shes ultimately doing this as another punishment to me. Shes always done this.
Mum is writhing with jealousy with me and the puppy, she told me - its because the puppy prefers me to anyone else in the house. She will only eat if I feed her, she will sit by my feet only, she wont play with anyone, she wont be hugged by anyone. Yes the dog attacks me, and I am lucky to have an eye and nose today because of what the puppy did to me.
But I understand that she is attacking me because she feels the whole family in this house are fake with their affections towards her.
I know my mother uses pets as a weapon to make me do things to her - especially since last month I was going to move out, had a plan, had a place, had a date to leave. The suddenly she wanted a puppy, and I felt I had to stay.
She then started manipulating the situation to make me feel it was my dog and my expenses. Like she always does.
However, I said to mum I will stick around long enough to train it out of puppy stage, this is when mum started to give out noticable emotional changes towards the puppy, which I felt she (the puppy) has picked up on. Hence why since the 4th day we had her shes changed to becomming aggresive and will not be hugged anymore.
I feel I cannot allow my self to love the puppy because I know how mum plays, so the puppy picks up from my emotions too.
Dad is non existant here so she picks up abandonment from him too.
Perhaps its a good thing to let the dog go, but mum is breaking my heart here in so many ways.
I am not motivated for my own selfish means. I need a boyfriend, pet, or a baby/niece or nephew reason for me to find work and be fit etc. Always been like that.
Since I had the puppy I started looking into university courses, signing up to another course, and decided I knew what I wanted to do for a job. But for that job I need a dog.
Now mum knows all this, and she knows my plans for the dog. Yet she wants to get rid of it, because of any old excuse she can find.
She said she would replace it. Now I have affirmed motivations to use a dog as a career and travel etc, she is now saying no no no NEVER getting another dog, we are not ready and then she twisted everything to say I am the one who is ruining the dog, and I am the one who is making the dog bad.
Yet I am an ex dog trainer with my past dogs who have been on televison and in contests. I have not spoiled this dog.
It's really hurting me and I dont think I will be in the mood for talking for a long while and I may vanish offline totally for a long while, because I might do something stupid and move out without notice and probably end up back on the streets just to avoid my mum. I hate her and my father in a lot of ways and its scaring me for me to hate them.
They deserve me to hate them for so much more than just this event because of the past etc. No one can understand since I have been of legal age to leave home, why I stick around them.
I try and try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but they screw it up for themselves.
It scares me because when I allow my self to cry and get too emotional about what other people do to me I tend to make them have accidents, serious illnesses or they die - its weird how it always happens. I have been slowly going mad since I was a child because I am trying to block out all my emotions regarding my parents because this always happens.
The times I have allowed the emotions to run free have been times my mum has had a heartattack or a road accident etc within hours. My father too had accidents and illnesses of great severity. So I have to lock all my emotions regarding them away.
What is hard is, in the last 6 months they have got worse than they ever been and I am fearing that they might start physically attacking me again like they used to until I learned that you can arrest your parents after all.
Once they knew I knew this they didnt bother. but I have seen them in the last few weeks so close to punching me again.
they go hysterical and they stand there screaming even more because apparantly I stand there looking so calm and emotionless in front of them and even they say that they want to hurt me to make me show something that makes them think I am human.
Its so hard to keep my emotions locked, I am crying tonight and already mum is starting to complain that her chest is feeling a little tight. My dad is complaining he feels faint.
They dont know I am crying. It's worrying.
It's going to get so much worse tomorrow when mum is about to take the dog to the kennels, she will insist that I assist her in taking the pup there, but I wont. And if I am forced, like I am always forced into things and dragged into places by her - I know my energies will cause a car crash even with me in the car. thats happened too in the past, cars crash in a severe form and I am always unscaved which is something mum has noticed. Luck of the devil she calls it, she is a religious extremist my mum - and since I was a kid shes swore I am a witch. Shes even said that if it was 150yrs ago she would actually help people burn me as she hates witches.
She is a nasty woman.
I am just so angry, hurt and heart breaking. She is being horrible to a puppy, and the puppy is only aggresive because she feels mums energies towards her.
Her energies are also aimed at me, so the dog attacks me because it feels only energies so I guess she thinks that mum doesnt want her, because of me.
Thats what I believe.
Me~18, Single full time mum
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