Innerworkings of Chaos...

So I had another fight with my parents today... It's more like the continuation of something that has been going on for weeks now... I'm not perfect, I don't expect this of anyone... I have a hard time being reasonable when I don't get the same in return... The main problem is the fact that my parents think I'm on the computer too much... For me, it is the only way to get into contact with the person in my life that is causing me a great deal of pain... I want to stop that as soon as I can but it is hard when I can't talk to them... So instead of trying to talk about things rationally with me, they just take the power cord until it dies and then it's useless to both parties... They seem to think that it is a legitamate way to handle their problems... Like my mom just stopped talking to me and completely ignored for almost a week straight... She plays these stupid games and gets upset when I play them back... Her way to excuse the cildish behavior is to say that she is the parent and can do whatever she wants to... I really feel like I'm the only adult here... Every day, they threaten to kick me out, they pretend to call the police on me just to scare me, they just do all this stupid shit and I'm sick of it! Like today, my mom took the charger and when the computer died, I went to her and asked for it back... I even said please... She tells me that I can have it back, so I'm thinking that things will start being slightly better because there wasn't any of the usual bitterness in her voice... She then tells me that she wants to set some groundrules for computer usage, so I agree, hoping to end things... Then she starts telling me how hurt she is that I gave away my xbox360 that she got me for christmas... She doesn't understand that by giving it to someone that I really care about, I made myself happier than any material thing could... Of course the whole thing about her being hurt is a complete lie... She tells me she's hurt and in the same sentence complains about what she lost by me giving it away... She will not let it go! It is all one big guilt trip on me, and that really pisses me off... But anyways, all I want is for things to be peaceful around here... I'm sick of all the stress! My home life, love life, spiritual life, any kind of life I may have is severley fucked up... And it's made so much worse because when I try to talk to htem and explain my situation, I'm met with absolutely no compassion, no understanding, nothing good at all! I tell them that the only way to fix my problems at the moment is over the computer because the people involved have a screwed up schedule and would rather be online than pick up a frickin phone... Oh well... They tell me I have no life, that I'm doing nothing to better myself... They tell me to ignore or cover up the problem or start taking medication for it... And if I try to tell them what I've heard it does to one's energy and abilities, they'd just laugh at me and call me crazy... My mom has everyone in the house so scared that the only time I can have a meaningful talk with my dad (who at least sort of understands) is when she isn't home... When she is, if someone even tries to be nice to me, she bites their frickin head off and makes it look like it's all my fault... Fucking immature babies... As I'm writing this, the tension here is unbearable... I managed to get the charger back but only so my mom could use it to make me paranoid... She'll give me this insane look and tell me to enjoy it while it lasts and then just ignores me and walks away... I call her out on it and she just acts even more childish and complains that I don't care about her enough... After 17 years of trying to be open and caring towards her, I've learned my lesson... My parents don't want to be reasonable... They really think that because they're parents, they get to treat me however they want... I'm so sick of it... I'd leave but I really don't have anywhere else right now... I have so many things to do around here that most of the time it'd just be easier to just frickin end things permanently... I just want some peace... I really have nobody in my life that I can talk to about these things... Oh well... The reason things are so bad now is because my mom pissed me off so much that I lost it and broke a precious (as in not expensive, but worth more than me) candle holder... So apparently, the next time my sister isn't here, they're going to, and I quote, "Drag me the fuck out of here." Yeah... She's actually talking about gathering evidence for the police right now... I'm so fucking sick of her... And yet, all I want to do is go and try again to reason with her and try to fix things so we can be a loving family... I just want it all to go away... I really do feel like I know who I am, who I want to be, but just talking to them sets me back to the beginning... I just don't know how to deal with them anymore... I want to feel loved, I'm sick of all this pain... That's really all my life is right now, just pain... I close myself off from it but it isn't enough... I don't want to spend my life closed off from the world... I want to feel, I want to love again!