Innerworkings of Chaos...

I don't know if I can recover from what happened tonight... I can't really go into details... I felt what was left of my heart just shatter... Millions of tiny pieces... Telling me to die, I can't survive the pain... The reason I'm posting about it in my blog is because I need someplace to let it all out before it consumes me... I don't want to feel anymore... I hate empathy... I hate love... I can't stand it... I want to hate... Really feel it rise up and explode... Instead, I supress it... Love takes it's place... Some people throw the word around without even knowing what it means... I've loved truly and deeply and what do I get for it? I get cheated and backstabbed... Love is a broken promise... Love is death in disguise... When I tell someone that I love them, I feel it from the bottom of my soul... True love... A soul-mate... Someone you want to spend all your lifetimes with... True love means that you're always faithful, not always waiting for something better to come along... It's realized too late... Too much time to start over, to forget... If being empathic means I feel everyone's pain, then I don't want it anymore... I'm sick of it! It can go rot in Hell with love... I look at pictures of myself in love, truly... I don't recognize myself... I see light filling up my eyes, love shining through... Greatest feeling in the world, but I no longer want anything to do with it... Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there's someone better for me out there... I just want to feel all the love I have to give returned to me instead of wasted on people that lie to me, toy with me, cheat on me, and use me... I'm starting to doubt whether true love really exists... It's always been the one thing, throughout my entire life that I've believed in... I don't feel it anymore... As of writing this part now, I can already feel myself shutting down... I don't really want to but I feel that I must... Die inside or outside, I have to pick one... I don't know what'll happen to me later... I want to do anything I can to get over this... I feel a burning hole in my chest... It feels so empty... I think Sephie died tonight... She was the part of me that could always make me happy... Things like this cut her deep but she never stopped loving... I think this was too much... I can't feel her anymore... I'm going to try and stay away from here for a while... I'm really negative and I don't want it to be reflected in my posts... If I come back, hopefully I'll have gotten over this... If anyone wants to get in touch during my temporary retreat, my screen name on AIM and Yahoo is Sephish, and my ICQ is 398526284... I'd really like to thank you all for helping me open myself up again, I don't regret it... Maybe I'll come out of this stronger... I hope so... Love and peace y'all...