Help Me Help Him

[Silverhaze]

Hello everyone,

I am starting this thread for brainstorming and advice. I'm trying to find out things I can do to help my love work on his self esteem. He wants to meet people and maybe even start a relationship but he is so afraid of rejection and he is always blaming himself and tearing himself down in his mind. He knows he's doing it and he is trying really hard to fix it.

Now one of the most important things I've learned from him is one of the things he hasn't figured out yet. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Or at least really love and feel like you deserve it. This is something that can't be taught only learned.

Anyways he is very shy and he hates talking about this stuff cus it makes him feel even worse and pathetic, but he tells me sometimes and now more and more we are getting to a point where he can talk to me about it, but I can't push him cus I don't want him to close up again because I'm the only one he talks to about this stuff.

So here is where I'm having troubles. I'm not real sure what I can do for him because the way I face my fears and such is to just hit them head on and even though I know he could do it, he is certain he can't. He needs confidence but it is hard to get confidence when you are to scared to do anything that would help build it.

So does anyone have any advice? Anything I can do to help him help himself?

[the original watcher]

Hello everyone,

I am starting this thread for brainstorming and advice. I'm trying to find out things I can do to help my love work on his self esteem. He wants to meet people and maybe even start a relationship but he is so afraid of rejection and he is always blaming himself and tearing himself down in his mind. He knows he's doing it and he is trying really hard to fix it.

Now one of the most important things I've learned from him is one of the things he hasn't figured out yet. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Or at least really love and feel like you deserve it. This is something that can't be taught only learned.

Anyways he is very shy and he hates talking about this stuff cus it makes him feel even worse and pathetic, but he tells me sometimes and now more and more we are getting to a point where he can talk to me about it, but I can't push him cus I don't want him to close up again because I'm the only one he talks to about this stuff.

So here is where I'm having troubles. I'm not real sure what I can do for him because the way I face my fears and such is to just hit them head on and even though I know he could do it, he is certain he can't. He needs confidence but it is hard to get confidence when you are to scared to do anything that would help build it.

So does anyone have any advice? Anything I can do to help him help himself?

girl, if i was you, i would hold his hand and look him in the eyes softly and tell him that he can trust you. you know when you are together just holding hands is healing. it warms the heart. so does rubbing the head and giving massages. confidence too is helped also when you participate with him in what he loves to do, and when the divine moment of magnetised energy arrives,(you know what im talkin bout) share your wisdom and knowledge with him. depending on how fast or slow the progess is, you can then start sharing your wisdom and knowledge with each other and even with other people! love yourself unconditionally around him, leading by example, so he can see and experience that, so he can learn so experience it for himself.
and sharing what you love with him works great too!
thank you
your brother in arms
i am that i am
rue

[Satisfiction]

Perhaps doing some confidence building in external would help, as opposed to sitting and trying to build confidence through talking about it...

I'm thinking active things, like high ropes, confidence courses, rock climbing, abseiling, kayaking - those kind of things. These have been proven to boost confidence in oneself, because you have to believe in yourself to be successful in them. If you can get him out and excited about doing any of these things, talking him through the steps to achieving the goals of the activity, confidence begins to build naturally. Then the skills that he learns doing these things, he can then apply to other life skills.

True confidence building is not done through a quick fix, it is a slow process of realising your true potential

It is truly sad that in the age of injury paranoia and lawsuits that kids don't get to do this stuff as much anymore. Being outdoors and active in challenging ways is so great for confidence building (hence the name confidence course!)

[Pinhead]

I was like him once, I couldn't even look people in the eye, I was scared and always looked down on the ground/floor. Does he do that? Does he walk away when he's on the phone so no one hears him? Does he have problems eating with other people like in public?

If that's the case I can help him, cause I was like that when I was younger.

[Idle Thoughts]

The main thing is that he needs to realise it for himself. It could be his defensive mechanism. He has been saying it is his fault for so long he has mentally conditioned himself to believe it. So basically he thinks a relationship and commitment to him, it causes him physical pain.

At some point in his life he has identified commitment with pain, so when this happens people will try to do anything to stay away from this pain. He has to change his mental conditioning.

I was like this and still am but not to the degree I was. I what I suggest if you have the money, send him to see a psychologist (the dont use drugs). Maybe he needs someone who can see everything objectively and maybe he needs to talk to someone in confidence.

It helped me.

[MiamiSound]

I have had ( and sometimes still do ) minor self esteem issues. I have linked the problem with comparing myself to what society projects as beautiful. When i find myself comparing to the impossibly attractive i stop myself and realize i am perfect in my own right. Its important to see other people as just other people and not better versions of yourself. Hope that helps something

[Silverhaze]

Well honestly both myself and him know what the problems are and I at least know how they came about and yes I've been there done that too but I don't remember quite how I got over it... besides I guess just by meeting him I changed but that doesn't explain how

I guess what I am looking for is some suggestions of things that will help change the way he thinks.

[Indigo Dog]

Dear Silver,

Try looking at this from a new angle. It might be refreshing to just love and accept him ( also your self image of him) just the way he is.

Your angst and frustration over this is sending a powerful energy pattern. It is saying " You are not good enough, you must change, you are unacceptable at this level." What a terrible burden to have to live up to. What a terrible pressure to live with.

Maybe you could try for a few days to let this mission drop for a while. Maybe it might be fun to just love without expectations. You would no longer have to exert any more psychic energy trying to guide and he could relax and enjoy himself as a perfect soul.

I think you might be a little like me. A chronic fixer of broken people. The earth mother to all lost souls. You are more than what you do. Don't let your caregiver/nurturer skills become your only identity.

Anyway, if you do what you do from love you can't screw up too bad.

[FlamingArrow]

You gotta help him take the pussy off of the pedestal, help him understand you all want us as much as we want you all. Tell him he has to know he's good, not think he's good, not hope he's good, not ask if he's good, just know it. That's it, other than that tell him to not give a fuck about it, tell him there a millions and millions of women out there. If one fails, NEXT, another?, NEXT, and so on and so forth.

[Silverhaze]

Dear Silver,

Try looking at this from a new angle. It might be refreshing to just love and accept him ( also your self image of him) just the way he is.

Your angst and frustration over this is sending a powerful energy pattern. It is saying " You are not good enough, you must change, you are unacceptable at this level." What a terrible burden to have to live up to. What a terrible pressure to live with.

Maybe you could try for a few days to let this mission drop for a while. Maybe it might be fun to just love without expectations. You would no longer have to exert any more psychic energy trying to guide and he could relax and enjoy himself as a perfect soul.

I think you might be a little like me. A chronic fixer of broken people. The earth mother to all lost souls. You are more than what you do. Don't let your caregiver/nurturer skills become your only identity.

Anyway, if you do what you do from love you can't screw up too bad.

hmm well actually... it's not my mission I always have and always will love him just as he is but I hate to see him beat himself up over this
when he isn't thinking about relationships (and in this society it's cramed down your throat every five seconds ) and such everything is great but when he starts thinking about that again he just beats himself up

He doesn't like that and I don't like that he doesn't like it so I just want to help him cus it's what he wants