Thursday Funnies

Create fun and game-like threads in this forum.
Thursday Funnies «  » by Idle Thoughts
Smart Blonde joke

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is
tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries
to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you
ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, to keep him quiet, she
agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a
word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 note, and hands it to
the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his
laptop and searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches
the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the
smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the
blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back
to sleep.
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

«  » by Idle Thoughts
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

This is the cleanest E-mail joke I've come across in a long while!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.




Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone'.
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

«  » by Idle Thoughts
Men's Restroom Mural

Edge Designs is an all women run company that designs interior office space. They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC. The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects. The client was a company that was also run by all women execs. The result well. We all know that men never talk, never look at each other and never laugh much in the restroom. The men's room is a serious and quiet place. But now with the addition of one mural on the wall lets just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles.
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

«  » by Idle Thoughts
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.


He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?' But there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to
Frank's place and have a drink with me?

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......


A little voice came out of the box:

'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f*cking shoes on!'
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

horny superman «  » by Idle Thoughts
horny superman

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he
asked his super hero friends for ideas on where he
could get a bit of action.
'Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?'


'Well Superman, everyone knows that
Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland.
Why don't you try her?' replied Batman.

'I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends.
So I don't really want to take advantage of her.'

'Damn shame.' said Batman as he waved goodbye to
Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a

city when he saw the Green Lantern.
'Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're
a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in
comicland?'

'Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is
far and away the best lay in comicland, why don't
you try her?'



'Well, we're sort of friends,' Superman said, 'but
I didn't realize she had gotten around so much.' and
he flew off in frustration.



Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a
field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the
middle of the field, with her legs apart.


Superman was tempted. He
thought to himself, 'I'm faster than a speeding
bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here.'
So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and
gone.. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a
dazed ___expression. 'What the hell was that??' she
exclaimed.

'I don't know,' said the Invisible Man as he
rolled off, 'but my ass is killing me.'
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

«  » by Idle Thoughts
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH



A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.



The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'



The Aussie said 'One!'



The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.


How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,23764!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'


'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'



'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4


The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...


'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

«  » by Idle Thoughts
Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work,
But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave .
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises!
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,
So, that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
'What in the name of good GOD are you doing ?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
'...And where do you think you're going?!'
(You're gonna love this....)



She said,
'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

«  » by Idle Thoughts
My Dad :


I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

«  » by Idle Thoughts
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'.

The priest says, 'Don't start that again you , you're in my cupboard now'!!
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

«  » by Grandma Lola
Thanks Idle I needed a laugh....and I did laugh.

Here's one for you:

An elderly woman visits her doctor, while she is there he asks her how she is sleeping.

The woman tells the doctor, " Oh I sleep like a baby, don't have a problem at all. You know I have pills for that."

The doctor doesn't remember prescribing anything to help her sleep and asks her to show him the pills.

The woman shows him a container of birth control pills.

The doctor smiles and says, "Well, these are birth control pills and I'm sorry to tell you that they will do nothing to help you sleep, my dear".

The woman looked at him confidently and replied, "Why they surely do doctor, I put one in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and at night I sleep like a baby"!
User avatar
Grandma Lola
 
Posts: 11809
Joined: Fri Sep 19, 2008 10:48 pm
Has thanked: 815 times
Been thanked: 862 times

«  » by Idle Thoughts
thanks G.Lola good joke. I have a few more will post later. I just think that we needed a joke thread in here so I made one :)

Everyone wanting to post jokes ... go for it :)
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

«  » by Idle Thoughts
Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
These users thanked the author Idle Thoughts for the post:
Greenguy (Thu Oct 23, 2008 5:29 pm)
Rating: 7.14%
 
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

«  » by Stargazer7
LMFAO! Nice ones!
Stargazer7
 
Posts: 815
Joined: Wed Mar 19, 2008 7:24 pm
Has thanked: 108 times
Been thanked: 52 times

«  » by Idle Thoughts
The Pharmaceutical Prize Winner.........

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising

in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to exam table cover paper
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

«  » by Idle Thoughts
There is always one
:D
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

«  » by Idle Thoughts
Dont Fart In Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

20 Year old Headache «  » by Idle Thoughts
20 Year old Headache

There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

"Nope 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

texas Chilli Judge «  » by Idle Thoughts
texas Chilli Judge

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

«  » by Idle Thoughts
So it is tuesday ... so shoot me :D

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

«  » by Idle Thoughts
Label Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos! You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning:
contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
User avatar
Idle Thoughts
 
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:47 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times


Return to index page Jokes & Games

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests