When I first discovered my brain didn't function in the same manner as a good majority of the world, I felt free. It was if the whole world opened up to me. I was able to see things I'd never seen before.
I started looking for the key that would unlock more.
I was actually in counseling at the time. The counselor was a wonderful man who, unfortunately was fascinated with me. He put me through all kinds of psychological evaluations. He even had me take a Meyers Briggs test home with me so that my husband could take it. He was very curious as to what type of personality I was attracted to. Strange, but... what the heck, huh?
Anyway, It was the Meyers Briggs test I took, not the first dozen.. but the one with that counselor who was truly interested in me.
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I scored all Thinking on that test. No feeling what so ever. I had lost all emotion at that time. His comment to me was that one day, something emotional was going to happen that was going to kick me in the butt and make me feel again. And when it did happen.... HOLY COW! I was knocked back about twelve years, back to when I was an emotional basket case.
My Dad died. I handled it very well... even though it was pure chaos everywhere because of it. I handled it.
I had no idea that I didn't handle it well.... until I was sitting on the couch, adding the family's addresses from my address book into my brothers.
I asked my brother if he wanted Grandma Dabbs' address and phone number, even though she was in a nursing home with dementia and didn't know anyone other than the doll that was her baby that she took care of.
The whole room got quiet. I looked at my brother who was looking at me funny. I gave him my confused look and said, "WHAT?"....
No one in the room said a word. They were all looking at me as though I was completely nuts. I looked at each face. My kids faces were worried, my husband, who was sitting right beside me put his hand on my leg but wouldn't look at me.
I looked back to my brother for an explanation. He told me, without words.
Then, it hit me. All of the events from that day sitting on the couch, and back to my teen years came flooding into me at one time.
Everything that I handled so well for all those years came back in that instant.
I started crying... "Grandma died, didn't she?" My husbands hand started rubbing my leg. My brother looked at me with sympathy. My kids looked so confused.
It took another minute for me to remember. Grandma died one month before Dad did.
I was an emotional mess. I started blubbering and was on a rampage at the same time. I yelled and screamed about being hurt by my ex-husband's abuse. I cried about the miscarriages, I screamed at the pain of having to bury my daughter who was stillborn...I cried at the loss of both my grandmas.. I rampaged about the fear I felt at the hands of my ex-husband, I cried for the fact that I was left with a house full of antiques, a barn full of tractors but no money to feed my children.
I cried because I was afraid of other things I'd been unemotional about. I was afraid of whatever catalyst I had begun.....
I lost my job soon after, kind of on purpose... Then, I had a heart attack...
A few months later, I found this site. So many things are coming into place now.
I've gained knowledge from so many here. I've become stronger emotionally and spiritually. I'm just beginning to see things a little more clearly now.
Thanks to all of you teachers... each and everyone of you who God has put here in order to teach.
I know I've written a book here.... but, this comment to me was left on my Rep point... it was what got me started...
I don't know who wrote it, but, I wanted to thank you for it. Those are the most profound words anyone could ever give me.You very much need to discover your self. Nothing external can ease your suffering and pain. Though there appear to be great masters in the world, they only point out things that are already inside of you. Go within to discover the truth...
I am deeply thankful for whoever cared enough to tell me this.