The Demon of Addiction...Why

[Tear_of_the_WoLF]

I have lately been pondering my dilemmas...and why i continue to act the way i do in my life...part of this thread i had posed in another thread then deleted it out because i didn't want to talk about it...but maybe i should.

What is very interesting to me is drug addiction and alcoholism, especially those in an awakening spirit process...if i want to be honest with myself, i am an active alcoholic....although at the moment i am not an active "drug addict"...no...i dont "need" it..i dont get the shakes and blah blah....but i get extremely altered every night....and its not just because i like the feeling anymore...its because i hate my situation right now and i don't want to deal with it...i don't have to when im drunk...however , the "situation" only worsens. I'm not an idiot. well...maybe a little...lazy yes...afraid ...yes...wish i had a magic wand to make situations how i want them or completely go away....yes...

anyways, my point. Absolutely anyone that abuses substances is screaming in pain inside...the outawrd source of comfort is the high...however instead of trying to fix the inside , again and again picks up their high...

I can speak from experience....there is absolutely only one thing that kills the demon (addiction) and that is love/God whatever you want to call it.....and again, from experience, it is hard to harness that to your heart....EXTREMELY difficult, it is like a battle between two armies...constantly...

Pain is a constant in my life....and I am so sick of talking about the root of my pain that i just want to be...and i have gone through the whole forgivness thing, and i truly do and i would like to also say forgivness of self and others is an incredible thing......so then why does it still affect me?

Children when experience trauma at developmental ages (i was 4)...they're brain chemistry becomes wired differently than your average child....my behaviors, reactions, and core feelings are very hard to untrigger...very hard to rewire, and quite honestly im fucking sick of psychologists and therapists. im tired of people judging me or people acting like they have to walk on eggshells with me....ive been to rehab 11 times..and i cant tell you how many people ive had try to "fix' me or help me fix me....i know everything they are about to say before they say and can predict what they want me to do to help myself, its sad...so im done with that route...have been for over 3 years now.

It feels like a soul sickness.....deep deep within............

But going back to "killing the demon"....yes...the happiest i was ever in my life was 3 years ago....i devoted a huge majority of my day to meditation, writing, astrally traveling...and other like things....And I could feel the Love of the Goddess within me at every breathe....and the "demon" went to sleep....I still had pain, and i did a lot of work on all that....most would say i wasn't very sane..lol...but i was truly happy....the world was alive and i was in love with...life itself.....

I moved from Pennsylvania to Florida...something i should have never done...yet I refound the most beautiful woman, and she is still in my life, not lover, but friend....and now i am in Colorado...life is mysterious like that.

Anyways, just thought I would share...i know i am a vague about my trauma, i think there's only two people on this website i have actually shared about it with....not that im not comfortable just saying it......its a feeling attatched to it...shame....

I just keep asking why....why don't i do something...or what am i like this...Why....thanks for listening

Much love,
Kaitlin
Wolf

[ThetaAbundance]

Big hugs Kaitlin! Addiction we all have, some just take different forms. I have mine. I want to say, my love goes out to you in this time and your pain is known and acknowledged. You are precious! You really are.

Abuse at an early age is very traumatic in ways no one can describe. It is indescribable. In my last class we touched on this, as one of the students brought it up. The one woman is an art therapist, she mentioned that it is impossible with our language to heal what was created just with words, through talking. I feel this is true, too.

When you get through this you will be able to help so many people, I have a really good feeling about it. Does it help now? Probably not in your eyes, but know there is a way and keep asking and it will come to you.

I experienced the same feelings through my own. I was told, "Oh, get over it, it was years ago" to "Why can't you forgive". All that did was help me beat myself up for not being where I "thought" I should be, where everyone who judged me, "wanted" me to be. This is not about them, this is about you. I still have my pain I'm going through.

I'm going back into my childhood and doing belief work and healings tonight on the narcissists I lived with... We were programed, it's time to unprogram, when we are ready.

XO

Tonya

[evergreen]

kaitlin,

love and strength to you. you can do it.

[Tear_of_the_WoLF]

i did used to do reach out to children...11-14 year old girls that were in juvi...that were already IV heroin/pill users out there on the streets....it felt awsome when i knew i helped them even a little...

my other issue...my trauma....if yall havent noticed my raw emotion....the gift is more incredible in person.....i have helped many open up because i can so "easily" (its not easy its just letting go) let loose and give up all my pain into the hands of those listening..it helps for the person that is afraid and shameful of whatever their abuse or trauma might have been....my essential need was ripped from me .....*sighs*my throat chakra is pulsing....

anyways.

[Tear_of_the_WoLF]

kaitlin,

love and strength to you. you can do it.

what is it im doing...?

[evergreen]

if you want to let it out, im here.

[Tear_of_the_WoLF]

oh ive let it out enough. thats my ordeal. im fucking sick of it and im fucking sick of that not being enough...

sorry im not directing my anger towards u brandi....its inner and im just throwin it here

[evergreen]

what is it im doing...?

finding the answers

[evergreen]

so what r u pissed about then?


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[beautifulmind]

Kaitlin,

You are stronger than you know.

I intend and wish for you all the healing and light you seek.

[Tear_of_the_WoLF]

so what r u pissed about then?

who knows.? hmmmm...guess wthats a good question isnt it

[Adongala]

...

[Indigo Dog]

Hello I'm Indigo Dog and I'm a recovering alcoholic.

I hear you. I does get old doesn't it? Hearing the same song over and over about how much I'm burying. So then I dig it out and trot my pain around, even shake it in the faces of my parents, old abusive friends and strangers...

Why isn't that working? The whole process only makes me feel sober and bitter. Great.

I'm not an expert. I don't help people professionally or help addicts recover. I'm just me looking for a way to love my life and not be a slave to drinking.

My GF told me to stop blaming my parents, husband, boss for my unhappiness. She said it was up to me. ( I stopped talking to her for 2 weeks I was so pissed.)

She was right, but I didn't know where to go from there. I had no idea what made me happy, not a clue! I could tell you in great detail exactly what made me unhappy, but my happy triggers were a mystery to me.

It wasn't until years later that I slowly began to release my old habits to try new ones. Will power can only get you so far. The secret key to my success and fulfillment has been discovering what is fun for me. I substituted my destructive behaviors with creative and fun ones. I'm not going to sugar coat it, it was hard work. The fact is that it was fun was a motivator for sure.

If I was getting a lot of stress from a mean boss - I wrote songs and played my guitar.
If the pressure of my divorce was depressing me- I took a hike in the forest.
If the crushing emptiness of loneliness was to much- I took dance lessons.
If my husband wanted to argue- we did it in the nude.

I had to get creative with how I managed my pain. I no longer wanted to associate drinking with self medicating away the unhappiness. If I had a glass of wine I wanted it to be because I was celebrating and in a good mood, then quit for a day. ( It sucks but if I drink for even 3 days in a row, just a glass a night, the withdrawals are nasty and I crave again. I'm still working on the chemistry of this.)

I like that you are reaching out and asking for help when you need it. Recovery is a journey. I'm still walking it.

I guess I just want to encourage you to uncover the mystery of what lights you up.
Do you like to play volleyball?
Does baking turn you on?
Isn't masturbation fun?
Maybe small engine repair is your meditational zone?
What is your favorite food, smell, noise?
Does your home truly reflect who you want to be?

I love you, good luck on your journey, take your time.

[Satisfiction]

My darling Katlin... I was listening to massive attack and heard a song that made you pop into my head...

YouTube - What Your Soul Sings - Massive Attack

Don't be afraid
Open your mouth and say
Say what your soul sings to you

Your mind can never change
Unless you ask it to
Lovingly re-arrange
The thoughts that make you blue
The things that bring you down
Only do harm to you
And so make your choice joy
The joy belongs to you

And when you do
You'll find the one you love is you
You'll find you
Love you

Don't be ashamed no
To open your heart and pray
Say what your soul sings to you

So no longer pretend
That you can't feel it near
That tickle on your hand
That tingle in your ear
Oh ask it anything
Because it loves you dear
It's your most precious king
If only you could hear

And when you do
You'll find the one you need is you
You'll find you
Love you

[Tear_of_the_WoLF]

you are a beautiful soul IndigoDog, all of you are here....thank you for your reach out and love...its good to know im not alone....i am on a journey ....the deserts crawl as i so love to call it in my poetry.

.....satisfaction i love massive attack and ....i only have heard the album mezza*ummm dont remember the last part of the word*

this is a beautiful song....

much love yallz....im liking life a lot better today. guess it is just a day by day thing

[Dannii]

Thanks for this thread I know how you feel, i just wish i could find the words to come out with my story too. The thing that i hate, is that the demon only ever goes to sleep. Never disappears and never will. Its like a constant battle against yourself and even in good times, you know hes there, waiting patiently for you to sink again. But we keep rolling on

[Tear_of_the_WoLF]

Thanks for this thread I know how you feel, i just wish i could find the words to come out with my story too. The thing that i hate, is that the demon only ever goes to sleep. Never disappears and never will. Its like a constant battle against yourself and even in good times, you know hes there, waiting patiently for you to sink again. But we keep rolling on

you've said it beautifully.....i couldnt have explained the demon/dragon better myself....thank you for your words...its comforting to know someone knows him....as well as i.....(if u ever want to talk hit me up on PM i have almost all the messengers as well)....much love girl

[adonis777]

personally i don`t think you have an addiction,

you may just be a little emotional here and there,

but that happens to all of us,

I think as long as a person doesn`t hit the hard stuff....they still have some rope left,

the only advice i could give you is to balance things a bit,

go walking,

that`s what i do,

I take a long...long walk....when i have something bugging me,

and when i come home i`m too tired to do anything but crash,

the next day i wake up like new.

[Tear_of_the_WoLF]

thanks adonis

....well for a very long time i did the hard stuff....for about 5-6 years i was sticking a needle in my arm on and off with the heroin.....im too tired to do that anymore....and i dont want to be a zombie..i want to be alive, truly,.....i dont know how some people can go on and on with that shit for years.....

im just so tired of "chasing the dragon"....i can feel it....i dont have it in me...the run.

and i am very grateful for the tiredness of that....its a good tired....

[adonis777]

I use pyramids for meditation,

they work well on a regular basis,

pyramids are cool,

and anyone can make one.