Intentions

[sshenry]

"Of course care and reverence should be included in all relationships - it is BECAUSE of our lack of being able to control the interpretations of intentions/expectations that we should proceed with care (and reverence) in everything that we do."

I think you are on to something with that

I appreciate all of the back and forth this morning SS as (I am sure you are totally aware) these concepts have been heavy on my heart lately. So hashing this out helps me alot

I need to go and fix lunch for my girls, but will be back later. Thanks again

No problem, it's been my pleasure


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[Old Indi]

I think intention and expectations are an extension of each other. Here are a few examples. Often it is our expectation of the outcome that gets us in trouble.

My intention is to be a good daughter. My expectation is my mother will see that. My mother does not have the same expectation.

A friends husband is cheating.
My intention is: to let her know what is going on.
My expectation (assumption) is: she wants to know.
The whole thing backfires and I am very unpopular. Seems she didn't want to know.

In order for my intention to be properly received, we both need to have the same expectation of the outcome.

When you get married, your intention is to have a monogamous marriage. Your expectation is: my husband will not cheat on me. Does your husband have the same intention? Personally, I think this expectation should be discussed before you get married. Are you both on the same page with this?

When you give a friend advise, your intention is good. Your expectation is the friend "wants" your advice. We have all learned this is not always the case.

When I drive to town my intention is to do so safely. My expectation is that others will do the same. Again this is not always the case.

The only intentions where I have control is my own intentions for me. If my intention is to be there a 3 o'clock, my expectation is that I will move heaven and earth to be there at 3. I have control over whether of not I get side tracked.

If my intention is to be there at 3 and my expectation is my friend will be there at 3 as well, I might be disappointed. My friend may not have the same intention and I do not have control over what they do. For some people, being there by 3:30 is perfectly acceptable. Then I have a choice: I can tell them what I think of their behavior, I can accept they are late and enjoy the afternoon, I can leave at 3:15 and forget the whole thing, etc.

If my intention is to serve dinner to my friends and my expectation is they will eat whatever I cook, it may be a recipe for disaster. I let my intention be known and ask if there is anything they don't eat. My chances for a successful evening have improved considerably.

If my intention is to live harmoniously with others and if my expectation is others want the same, I am leaving myself open for disappointment.

[beautifulmind]

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[Old Indi]

So basically what you are saying is that intentions are never the problem... but expectations are? You provide so many good examples, thanks for that.

I rarely use 'Never". Some intentions are misguided and misunderstood by the intender.

You say, "In order for my intention to be properly received, we both need to have the same expectation of the outcome."

So now I am wondering some things...

How often will that actually ever occur? It won't be too often unless two people discuss before hand what their intentions and expectations to and of each other are.

I think communication and honesty are paramount in a relationship.

.. and of course some will even be dishonest to themselves or to their partners about where they are at on either points (manipulation)

That is not something we have control of.

when a problem occurs, does it not make sense to consider where (each) person is coming from and be open to what they are experiencing?

I think it is necessary to consider the other person. This is where good listening skills come in to play.

Does it not seem unproductive and unloving to tell the other that they are wrong in what they are feeling and experiencing just because they had a different expectation from your intention?

Yes it is unproductive. Telling someone how to feel or not feel is being judgmental. Who am I to judge what they are feeling is wrong?

So far we have been talking about our "good" intentions or at least the ones we perceive to be "good"...

What about bad intentions? Some have said here that all intentions are self serving does that make them all bad iyo?

I think intentions are likely self serving behaviors. That does not equate with bad.

How do you feel when you have learned someone has had bad intentions? Are there any bad intentions?

In general, I don't think people have bad intentions. Sometimes the result of their intentions have less than perfect results. Bad intentions are made by a conscious decision to screw with someone else. It does happen.

I see intentions all the time that appear bad... things like intending to harm, control, manipulate, screw with another's mind... am I wrong to have the expectation for others to act with reverence?

No, I don't think you are wrong in your expectation. But, we don't always get what we want. People have different ideas of what is accepteable and what isn't. Some people are mean and nasty. Usually because of buried anger. Often they have no idea their behavior is a problem.

[Scouter John]

For years I tried to please people. As a child I tried to please people.
I his 30,'s Jesus the Master was likely to please very few. Although he cured many. If his intention was to please everyone. The world would be of more in a mess. Learn not to be a friend to man, or women. If it comes that's fine. But if it dose not accept it. Learn to surrender to God and be his friend and allow him to be yours.
And about the cell phone. Thank God that no one was hurt or injured.
Love does not always please everyone. In fact it please's very few on this earth. But God is Love and is from the heart or soul.
That is my 2 cents. Because I spent 30 years or 40 trying to please or having the intention to please. And I was always or almost always forsaken by it
Good luck

[sharpinla]

Wow, as I said to Patryc yesterday I have a really hard time with that one...

"In the closest of relationships there will be NO expectations."

I am not saying it is not possible, but I have never experienced it and so it feels foreign to me. For me it feels unbalanced to have no expectations whatsoever. In Pats thread I asked, "So I should never expect my spouse to be faithful in our marriage. I should never expect my friends and family to consider me feelings"?... I become suspicious and cautios of being told I should have no expectations. Is it also possible that in the closest relationships, expectations can exist and because of the love and concern for the other, they can be considered, discussed, compromises made and balance found? To me that sounds more reasonable...

I think one may hope their partner will not stray and will remain faithful but you cannot expect it from someone (even if it is written into the marriage contract). Likewise, expectations from others instill guilt in us if we care about their emotions and do not satisfy their expectations. Free will should be the ultimate motivating factor, not the satisfaction of fulfillment of another's will.

My view is expectations are disgenuine and seek a specific outcome whether or not realistic or agreed upon or whether or not they fit within the respective persons own path of personal growth.

Disappointment also is eliminated when someone drops their expectations.

Edit: After reading a couple other posts I would agree with Old Indi and say that expectations that are defined, shared and agreed upon with all affected parties are acceptable; it is hidden or unrealistic expectations that can cause relationship turbulence.

[beautifulmind]

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