I'd love any feedback from people with these similar emotional barriers/problems and how to survive them....
I have some serious relationship issues.... I'll just start with that. I suppose I still need to learn to really accept and "like" myself.... I guess that I just feel this emptiness, a void; and I feel like my soul-mate would help to complete my life and give it true meaning. I've fought depression over the past three-four years, I've gone through eight medications, been through one hell of an emotional roller coaster, and I've reached a calmer point in the journey. The depression definitely became a barrier to a healthy relationship; breaking down and crying I think scared away my last girlfriend (whom also had mental barriers such as personality-disorders and an abusive-past), and the girlfriend before last... I met her in psychotherapy. :P With depression in relationships, I guess the issue of trying to "make the other person happy," co-dependence, etc. etc. Because of this, I've avoided relationships since January of this year.... in order to realize who the heck I am and just try to de-stress.
....the only problem; I still end up developing "crushes" here and there. I am a high-school student, so I don't have too many opportunities to talk with her... and I also have a troublesome paradox.... I am scared of relationships yet I so desperately yearn to love that "dream girl" and hopefully find my soul-mate, if she even exists.. :( In an attempt to prevent myself from falling into emotional stress and worry, I try to avoid any type of situation that could even remotely lead to a relationship; so I can't even talk with this girl for the most part. I try to be friendly, yet being extremely shy (at first) gets in my way... the girl whom I'm thinking of is only in one class of mine..
I also don't trust anyone anymore, I've been hurt and betrayed too many times. >_< This also is a horrible barrier. We were just standing around, waiting for the end-class-bell to ring, and I saw her texting and I catch myself thinking.... "ahh, she probably is already in a relationship; I'm a basket case and I am problem-ridden... who in their right mind would want to get to know the depths of my being, which aren't always too joyous..." self-esteem... I've tried to work on that one with mixed results...
I also find that whenever I have a "crush" on a girl, I find myself so utterly drained.... emotionally and mentally. I think it's the wasted energy spent daydreaming about how nice it might be to get to know her and God forbid, maybe even have a healthy relationship with her! I also expect the worst outcomes... I.E. asking for her number and getting "the look" of disgust, hence more ego-loss.... It's like it kills me, somehow.... It's so difficult to define.
Even when I am in a romantic relationship, I also find myself drained; due to worrying about losing her, being betrayed, upsetting her, worrying about how she's doing, worrying about hidden-motives, worrying about everything I possibly can think about..... Even if I'm not thinking about liking a certain person, then I'm thinking about how lonely I feel and how I feel like nobody really "gets" or understands me... Even further complicating things, I have a female friend in NJ who I've known for about four years now, and I still have some feelings for her... yet I know that a long-distance relationship is really difficult to work out.... (I'm in Ohio). I find it hard to talk to her at times because I become sad that we're so far away, but at the same time... I am glad we know each other.... this is the only time that I've had feelings for more than one girl at a time.... that is so "not-me." I guess I'm trying to stop having feelings for my friend in NJ, since it hurts too much....
The more I care about someone, the more I worry about them..... this is especially draining. I don't know if this is a common Indigo problem, but I find that I care so much about others that I neglect my own needs.... this is amplified in a relationship and is self-defeating; half the time I end up worrying the person I'm in the relationship in because I'm so down, weak, or whatever... defeating the purpose of trying to make her as happy as possible.
So.... I'm left in this mess of a love life, I'm a hopeless romantic whom never sees himself in a healthy relationship and has next to 0% self-esteem; and it seems to hurt in some form when I'm in or out of a relationship. hah, maybe I just have issues... obviously... ehh.
My strongest desire is to become so emotionally attached to someone; my soul-mate, where we understand and feel each other so deeply that its as if we perfectly understand each other.... sure its unrealistic but I find it so romantic... haha.
Am I alone in feeling this way? Anything work for anyone else?
Thanks in advance!