Trust

[Abstrax]

I myself tend not to trust many people. I tend to keep people I know and that want to get to know me at a fair distance. There are two people that do in fact know me for me - My mother and my Partner. It amazes myself that I've allowed them to get so close, being everyone else has dealt with my Masque.

I guess you could say I am very cat like in my personality - you have to earn my trust before you may pet me. You also may only pet me when I see fit. As ridiculous as it sounds I am quite reserved.

So hear I am opening a page to tell you about myself a bit. And perhaps if you're feeling you could settle down for a couple pets without clawing someone I'd like to hear a little about you.

Who does my Mother and my Partner know? Well I certainly wear my emotions on my sleeve as in - I couldn't lie to save myself. I cringe at liars - they and their words poison my nerves and cause me to twitch and feel like I wanna flick them really hard in the back of the head *Snicker*.

I am perhaps a little too open about my opinions and slightly tenacious because I expect perhaps a little to much from people and often find myself let down when the answer is so clear to me and they have walked the wrong path. I am always hard on myself and if I feel as though I've done something wrong I get to the edge of almost a panic attack beating myself up with guilt inside thinking about how I should have done things different.

I am a very quiet observationist - most people tend to think something is wrong with me when I am watching everyone or watching life as I call it and see people making memories every second - I often wonder which ones they may remember or forget.

And when death comes around in the family I mourn - not for the person passing but for the people losing their loved ones and don't seem to understand its not the end. I mourn for my mother who is dealing with losing her father on his death bed. She lives next door to him and is watching him slip away day by day. I am watching my grandmother staring worried at the love of her life, her eyes sulking and full of confusion and pain - asking why? My aunt has crawled under a rock over it and it seems I am the only one who has made her seem so alive recently since my last visit. My grandfather is dealing with an incurable cancer, his heart is deteriorating and his kidneys are shutting down. He is strong and stubborn - I know he won't go when the doctors tell him to - he has other plans and will follow through with him.

And as for me living day to day? God I feel like I am in a shell performing useless rituals such as work and I just want to scream and tell society its a huge freaking mess. And whats worse is no one seems to give a damn about how they affect another persons life. How every decision they make affects someone somewhere whether its positive or negative the engery passes through us all in an endless cycle of karma.

And good god I am rambling on...so I will stop here LOL.

Ignore the sheer madness I beg you - I mean after all we've all gone mad from being here right?

Abstrax

[grandpa]

I agree with a lot of what you say, I can't stand liars either. It sounds like your Grandfather is going through the same stuff as my late Dad. He was a stubborn bugger too; insisting on sitting outside on the patio with a glass of rum and a cigarette, even though he had terminal cancer!

[MiamiSound]

And as for me living day to day? God I feel like I am in a shell performing useless rituals such as work and I just want to scream and tell society its a huge freaking mess. And whats worse is no one seems to give a damn about how they affect another persons life. How every decision they make affects someone somewhere whether its positive or negative the engery passes through us all in an endless cycle of karma.


Abstrax

I agree with you. Day to day life just seems so meaningless if im not doing something that really means something. Alot of people are just content to be allowed small doses of meaningful experiences, ignoring the fact that we are caught up in a huge mechanism of corporate greed.

[ZZ23]

Hahahaha- I now what u mean, i dont trust people much either only my closest friends know everything about me- lol- I never tell people everything i could be talking to someone right now- And well for some reason they think I'm telling them everything when really im saying the same thing agian and agian in different words- Ive noticed it seems to look more friendly when u look like ur very talkative- IM training to be a statesmen i guess-lol

[sshenry]

And as for me living day to day? God I feel like I am in a shell performing useless rituals such as work and I just want to scream and tell society its a huge freaking mess. And whats worse is no one seems to give a damn about how they affect another persons life. How every decision they make affects someone somewhere whether its positive or negative the engery passes through us all in an endless cycle of karma.

You stole the words right out of my mouth! This is EXACTLY how I feel about my job - which means that it is time to get out of it...find a way that is right for me. Find people whom I can join with in making a difference.

[Abstrax]

Ahh, sorry for the lack in response to your replies. I've been planning for Samhaim with a friend of mine.

Grandpa, I bet your dad was a very interesting insightful person to talk to.

Blah, yes...I hate corporate Greed. It tends to make me have a generalized dislike for people. Which normally I wouldn't. I am a service manager for an auto repair shop and I hate it. I hate telling people their cars are broke and giving them outrageous estimates (well our prices aren't outrageous, just the parts and time it takes to install things into particular vehicles. We deal with pricey vehicles - volvos, saabs, mercedes, bmw, audi ect.). But its all apart of the survival game due to corporate greed, sink or swim.

Yeh people tend to ask me whats wrong if I am just sitting there quietly around new people. Specially if I get an off vibe about them - I'd even rather not be in the same room with them lol.

What I know I need to do is get into college. I just need to be at the right place and time in my life to do it. Which probably won't be until next year. I want to major in Graphic Arts. I already know Photoshop like the back of my hand but hey, employers seem to require a diploma for me to even be considered.

[Leuxnotik]

I think I dig where you're coming from on the trust issue.
I'm a cat person myself.

By nature I like to trust people, I think the best of people. But I've been burned so many times that it's sometimes hard to remember that; Too many years spent trying to ride that middle line. Even if my instincts screamed "Bad News", I had been given no reason to dislike the guy particularly. Then later my instincts usually proved right 9 times out of 10.
I learned quickly that not everyone is cool. But it took years before I could trust what my instincts said about anyone.

Ok... I've never had much in the way of real friends.
I was most comfortable off in the back-country on my own. Felt like I understood anything 4-legged, 6-legged or winged better than I understood other apes like me. Never quite felt like 'human' myself. Even today that persists.
I'd treat most everyone like a friend, whether they knew my name or not.
Most of the time I was fine with being the guy on the fringes between multiple cliques.
Sometimes it bothered me, though.
In senior year I was actually part of a group, kinda sorta. I'd still wander off on my own at random, if nobody was talking at me. But that year got really wierd, even for me. lol

I've been burned more times than I can count, because I have a very trusting and forgiving nature. As I got older I learned to temper that, realizing that sometimes you have to say "this person has had X number of chances, and they burned me each time. No more chances; this person is intent on being my enemy no matter what I do or don't do. I knew it awhile ago, but it's past time I accepted it."
My introduction to modern protestant christianity came in the form of a fist while my back was turned. He grabbed my shoulder, I turned, saw fist, grabbed it and put him down. "This is 'love thy neighbor?!" I thought.
I was always a peaceful person, avoiding trouble, never wanting to hurt anyone. But if it came 'point-blank' (while my back was turned), or when I was backed into a corner, then I'd react accordingly, and feel like crap for days afterward.
Especially after some of my abilities made me duck a few attacks that I "couldn't possibly have known were coming", they spread the word that I was a "satan worshipper", that I "eat babies", etc... It all started because I wouldn't be converted, especially not by fists, feet or rocks and sticks. Their fundy church was so.. 'intense' that we even had a witch hunt. It was on the front page of one of our local papers. (This was during the years of the Dale Akikki (sp?) trial b.s.)
That's what got me studying christianity through history. Horror movies are nothing to me now..

Just to shorten this up; I started going to a club in SD, trying to force myself to meet ppl. I like people, but often awkward around 'em.
Inside of a couple of years there, I had some 'indigo' things happen that others caught me at. When I'd try disappearing (I'm good at that, especially 'cause I'm short), they'd try and find me, and I'd learn that they weren't freaked out about what happened, and that they were sorry if they "scared me off". I miss that place. I had started to get back to a more stable outlook on people. I also started feeling comfortable enough to develop some control on my 'stuff'.
Out here I've lost some of that. (This town is too much like my home town for my liking. Been screwed with too much and messed over quite a few times since moving here.), but I'm working on regaining the little bit that I've lost here.

**disappears back into the shadows beyond the stage**