Dealing with Jealousy

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Dealing with Jealousy «  » by Forfiwen
Okay so I've been talking to this guy for a few months now. Here recently we've decided to officially become a couple. Everything has been good and he has been so sweet. However last night we were talking and now I have some of my warning flags raised.

I already knew he was a little bit jealous. Although that's okay, a little bit of jealousy isn't a problem for me. However it started out I was talking about joining a fitness club called Curves. This is a workout place for women. He asked me if there were any male trainers, which there isn't. It's just women there. So I was teasing him about his jealousy. I told him he would have about died when I was taking my martial arts classes since I was the only woman in them. We joked about that. So I asked him if he was going to get mad when I signed up for martial arts again at some point. He joked about it at first, but I could tell this bothered him. When I inquired further he finally said that he didn't know if he could be with someone who wanted to take a class where I would be around all kinds of men like that. Needless to say, this took me by surprise. He said that me working with men didn't bother him, but that those classes really hit a nerve for him. I think it must be the physical aspect required, but he didn't really say. The most I could get out of him was when he finally said that to him, me taking those classes while we were together would be like if he took a job as a guy who greased up playmates. I asked him if something happened before to make him feel that way. He responded that he didn't like talking about things that happened in the past. So I'm assuming that's a yes.

I asked him, if at any point in the future I became uncomfortable with something he was doing or someplace he was going out of jealousy, even if the situation was entirely innocent and I was completely misinterpreting things, would he be willing to stop as well. He said, "Without hesistation, no questions asked."

So what do you all think? Guys, how would you all feel about your wives or girlfriends being around men in a martial arts class they were taking? Would any of you feel so strongly about it? Girls, have you all had a guy you were with make a similar request? How did that turn out?

Am I being silly to be bothered by this? After all its not like he's expecting any different from me than he would be willing to do himself. I don't have a lot of experience with serious relationships, so I'm still trying to get a feel for the ropes. I know successful relationships consist of both give and take from both parties. Should I just chalk this up to the same kind of thing, or should I view this as a warning sign of unreasonable demands and jealousy to come. Any advise?
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«  » by LunarSunshine
Personally, that's a bit too much jealously for me. I would let him know that it concerns you that he thinks that a martial arts class is a strange thing for a girl to join. If you enjoy the class, and you get something out of it I find no reason that you shouldn't be able to join just because more males are interested in it than females.

The comparison between martial arts class and playboys is absolutely ridiculous by the way. He probably did get burned in the past, but there's a wide leap between sexual exploitation and martial arts. A better comparison, in my opinion, would be if he joined something like a yoga class where more females than males were interested in it. How would that make you feel? Let him know.

Yes, there is give and take in relationships. With that though, the strongest relationships I've seen are in those where the couple supports one another on living their individual lives.
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«  » by Dazed'nd'Confuzed
Trust and Love go hand in hand.

Without trust love can not run its full course.
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«  » by Patryc
well a bit of jealousy is ok perhaps but I think too much is just smothering

it's not healthy and it hinders friendships and new relationships, perhaps you should just take him with you, jealousy usually arises due to lack of trust or insecurity (a lack of self-confidence as well will do it).
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«  » by Rosetta
Since you're seeking advice, mine is to neither dismiss nor emphasize the red flag thing... and yes, the playmate thing is an invalid comparison. I second the idea of telling him you're feeling a little uncomfortable.
Personally, it would really freak me out of my partner was jealous about a martial arts class. And honestly I'd most likely end it because I'd feel icky, but maybe that's why I'm single, lol. Just communicate, and you will have at least tried.
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«  » by MissDevicDoll
Forfiwen wrote:Okay so I've been talking to this guy for a few months now. Here recently we've decided to officially become a couple. Everything has been good and he has been so sweet. However last night we were talking and now I have some of my warning flags raised.

I already knew he was a little bit jealous. Although that's okay, a little bit of jealousy isn't a problem for me. However it started out I was talking about joining a fitness club called Curves. This is a workout place for women. He asked me if there were any male trainers, which there isn't. It's just women there. So I was teasing him about his jealousy. I told him he would have about died when I was taking my martial arts classes since I was the only woman in them. We joked about that. So I asked him if he was going to get mad when I signed up for martial arts again at some point. He joked about it at first, but I could tell this bothered him. When I inquired further he finally said that he didn't know if he could be with someone who wanted to take a class where I would be around all kinds of men like that. Needless to say, this took me by surprise. He said that me working with men didn't bother him, but that those classes really hit a nerve for him. I think it must be the physical aspect required, but he didn't really say. The most I could get out of him was when he finally said that to him, me taking those classes while we were together would be like if he took a job as a guy who greased up playmates. I asked him if something happened before to make him feel that way. He responded that he didn't like talking about things that happened in the past. So I'm assuming that's a yes.

I asked him, if at any point in the future I became uncomfortable with something he was doing or someplace he was going out of jealousy, even if the situation was entirely innocent and I was completely misinterpreting things, would he be willing to stop as well. He said, "Without hesistation, no questions asked."

So what do you all think? Guys, how would you all feel about your wives or girlfriends being around men in a martial arts class they were taking? Would any of you feel so strongly about it? Girls, have you all had a guy you were with make a similar request? How did that turn out?

Am I being silly to be bothered by this? After all its not like he's expecting any different from me than he would be willing to do himself. I don't have a lot of experience with serious relationships, so I'm still trying to get a feel for the ropes. I know successful relationships consist of both give and take from both parties. Should I just chalk this up to the same kind of thing, or should I view this as a warning sign of unreasonable demands and jealousy to come. Any advise?


Sweet tater gator okay... here is my take on it:

Love is not jealous, because love does not OWN.

Jealousy is a form of ownership.

Love is to be shared freely and equally for it to be healthy and sustainable.

If I had a dude who was tkaing classes with all women, so what? Most likely he would be good looking anyway, and that place would be a meat market! Men and women interact soo differently. Men are the prodivers and protectors of feminie beauty. Just because a dude checks out another lady, or even gets aroused by one, doesnt mean his love is anymore or any less for the person he is with at the moment. It just means dudes are stimulated differently.

And as for ladies, its soo good for us, in this society, to feel appreciated and loved, so what if you get even the slightest bit of attention being in an all male class?

I say, it boosts morale for the person receiving the attention, and morale for the partner of the person receiving attention.

If it were my dude in an all ladies class I would think "haha yeah, how lucky I am that I get to appreciate him fully! Theycant have sex with him but i can haha!"

Its GREAT to appreciate one another! isnt that what love really is, true appreciation for smoeone?

If your dude is jealous honey, its cuz he has ownership issues. If hes unwilling to talk about his past, how do u two grow as a couple? Hes trying to hinder the amount of love andappreciaiton you receive from others.

Im not saying to feel appreciated u should go and fuck someone else, if you two have made an xcluisive agreement then thats GREAT, if thats what u two are happy with!

But it seems like subtle forms of control for him to not want u to do somethign that fulfills your body, heart, mind, or soul, because hes afraid of losing you.

people afraid of losing= people who want to own and dont know how to share.

If you are always sharing genuinly with other people who share genuinly, then theres no losnig, huh?

Besides, i bet u are hot, u can always get with someone else whom shares more freely if he doenst want tog row with u.

Shit Ill say it right now, lady, youn are gorgeous!

JEALOUS YET?1 HAHA I DONT CARE, I APPRECIATE U!

Butt fuckers :D:D:D:D:D Jsut cuz!
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«  » by Rosetta
MissDevicDoll wrote:Sweet tater gator okay... here is my take on it:

Love is not jealous, because love does not OWN.

Jealousy is a form of ownership.

Love is to be shared freely and equally for it to be healthy and sustainable.


If your dude is jealous honey, its cuz he has ownership issues. If hes unwilling to talk about his past, how do u two grow as a couple? Hes trying to hinder the amount of love andappreciaiton you receive from others.



And yeah, this! Especially the sweet tater gator part. ;) lol
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«  » by MissDevicDoll
HELL YEAH HONEY! See the sweet tatin gatorin is just another acronym I make up for personalizing and appreciating everyone.

Im also from kansas city, and if i dont take on some of the culture and make it fnu for me and my own, i will go ntus with the racist narrow minded over religiosuly zealoted cowboys... oh fucking god.. lol

I also forget everyoens name so everyone is sweetie, honey, baby, button, ect. and various other versions and forms of similar and otherwise.

Hey, I seen a picture of you! Howd u get so pretty? Can I borrow some? Did you go to a pretty people store and buy ane xtra bag of hot? I need to know these secrets.. :D !
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«  » by Rosetta
Lmao, I understand, I live in the "Bible Belt" myself. Drive about 50 miles West on the highway and there's a condemnation billboard every mile or so.
Thanks for the flattery, lol, but I know nothing of pretty people stores, and you don't need to borrow anything. :)


Forfiwen, are you feeling a bit more settled about the situation? Listen to yourself more than anyone dear.
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«  » by beautifulmind
I'll be honest, I got a really uneasy feeling reading the conversation between the two of you. I picked up in his energy severe insecurity and a need to control. Something bad, very bad has happened to him that has brought him to this place and the fact he is unwilling even to talk about it with you, someone that loves him is a very bad sign. It's a resistance to healing. I don't want to scare you but I feel that if things go on like this it could very easily turn into a very bad situation for you. He's putting on a mask, a very thin one, but enough to make you not worry. You should be concerned. Soon that mask will disintegrate and his real face will be bordering on frightening.
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«  » by Forfiwen
Thank you for the input everyone. I appreciate it. I am feeling a bit better about the situation. Having the time to think about it and to receive input on it has made things more clear. The responses here have pretty much reaffirmed what I was initially feeling. It looks like he and I are in for a talk. If we can't come to a solution we are both happy with, then this may be a relationship ending issue. Like I said, a little bit of jealousy isn't a problem, but a lot of it is just overwhelming.
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«  » by beautifulmind
Forfiwen wrote:Thank you for the input everyone. I appreciate it. I am feeling a bit better about the situation. Having the time to think about it and to receive input on it has made things more clear. The responses here have pretty much reaffirmed what I was initially feeling. It looks like he and I are in for a talk. If we can't come to a solution we are both happy with, then this may be a relationship ending issue. Like I said, a little bit of jealousy isn't a problem, but a lot of it is just overwhelming.


I am glad you are having the talk with him and are prepared to end the relationship if needed. I have a feeling your 'talk' will be intense so proceed with caution.
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«  » by Forfiwen
Beautifulmind, thank you very much for bringing this up, because this is exactly what has started going through my mind as well. I didn't see that I had much evidence to support this other than intuition. I usually trust my intuition completely, but sometimes when I'm too close to a situation it can make things more fuzzy. This will certainly be something I pay more attention to now as well, even if our conversation goes well.
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«  » by beautifulmind
Forfiwen wrote:Beautifulmind, thank you very much for bringing this up, because this is exactly what has started going through my mind as well. I didn't see that I had much evidence to support this other than intuition. I usually trust my intuition completely, but sometimes when I'm too close to a situation it can make things more fuzzy. This will certainly be something I pay more attention to now as well, even if our conversation goes well.


Forfiwen, I understand what you mean about your intuition getting fuzzy when you too close in a situation. I have experienced the same problem. I feel that when we are naturally loving and open it is hard for us to imagine that the one we are closest to having real difficulties with it and because we love them and we also want to be near them we either consciously or subconciously tune out the red flags or warning signs. But your intuition is really speaking up or you would not have talked to IS about it.

When I read your post, my guide was literally screaming at me to write what I did and that doesn't happen very often to me, so I apologize if it came off as creepy. I really hope it does all go well. I believe in healing and I hope your love can maybe help him to open up and face his demons and be rid of them.
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«  » by Lady Neptune
as far as relationships go, i'm the jealous one. it's my psychology - not theirs. been with my partner 8yrs and it was bad in the beginning. he's a muso/friendly/flirtatious and attracted heaps of skanky groupies which drove me insane. it's also that i picked the odd one out - the one who is such an individual they stick out - very recognisable. i got what i wanted, but other girls having a go is part of the territory i realised. i however seem to have a 'fvck off don't even think about it' aura that doesn't attract anyone. it's how i prefer it. if i want something i'll just get it, i don't need an invite..... your guy sounds like me a bit. not necessarily dangerous, just insecure. but i guess i could have been dangerous if i wasn't born with an innate sense of intuition and consequence, plus a perfectly clean record, and im in no hurry to dirty it..... HOWEVER if your gut says 'danger! danger!', now - just bow out. is he a scorpio by any chance?
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«  » by Forfiwen
No he is a Virgo. It's kinds of tricky for me to know exactly what my gut is telling me right now. You see growing up I was around a lot of really bad unhealthy relationships. My mother, aunts, neighbors, friends of the family all experienced this at one point or another. Whether it was just being with a very controlling individual to a full on abusive relationship. That was pretty much the norm. A pattern I don't intend to repeat for myself. So I've always been really bad to bolt the moment I start feeling uncomfortable about something. This time I'm trying to make a real effort to not fall back into my own pattern of running. What I'm finding tricky is determining how much of my nerves over this is intuition verses subconcious projections of my fears.
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«  » by beautifulmind
Forfiwen wrote:No he is a Virgo. It's kinds of tricky for me to know exactly what my gut is telling me right now. You see growing up I was around a lot of really bad unhealthy relationships. My mother, aunts, neighbors, friends of the family all experienced this at one point or another. Whether it was just being with a very controlling individual to a full on abusive relationship. That was pretty much the norm. A pattern I don't intend to repeat for myself. So I've always been really bad to bolt the moment I start feeling uncomfortable about something. This time I'm trying to make a real effort to not fall back into my own pattern of running. What I'm finding tricky is determining how much of my nerves over this is intuition verses subconcious projections of my fears.


Thanks for sharing that. With the history you experienced, that would be tricky, but I feel you have the heart to face this and deal with it. It doesn't sound or feel like you are running. This will be one of your lifes challenges because of your history. These patterns are tricky but valuable and maybe if you see this as a great opportunity for growth and love for yourself and others you will be able to manuever it with more ease.

Not sure if this matters or not. I am not astrologically versed but both my mother and MIL are virgos and both very insecure and controlling. This is not to say that all virgos are this way but I felt I should mention it since my guide was screaming at me earlier to speak up.
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«  » by Patryc
hey now I am Virgo / Leo cusp. Insecurity and star sign are not necessarily correlated. It all depends on your experiences in the past and your ability to let them go and move on.
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«  » by Nora
It sounds like your boyfriend is not ready to be in a relationship. There is a reason that your gut is telling you something is not quite right. He needs to get over his irrational jealousy and posessiveness before he can have a good relationship with you. If you want to take courses or have male friends then you should have the freedom to do so. In a good relationship you trust the other person and it feels secure no matter who your partner is around. I think you know not to let him control you. Stop the possessive behaviour before it escalates. How he deals with that is up to him.
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«  » by Veisha
He's jealous because his ego is afraid he will lose you. He thinks about all those men around you and realizes each one of them is a potential competition for him. If you want to be with him, try not to burn this fire of jealousy, and assure him you love him and he won't lose you just because there're other men around you. Just be careful, one day you may find yourself in this relationship with a very possessive men who will turn your life into hell.
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