brief history to start out with,, my dad was a hard man, hit on us and mentally abused me for years,,,any way hes dead four years now,,,for two and a half years i,ve not worked in my garage properly and could never figure out why,, but i lost my passion for spray painting and just cant do anything i dont like doing,,before that i would work 13 hour days no problem,,, this is what came to me last week after , two and a half years,, and i know what your going to say ,,sure it was staring me in the face,, but outside my garage on day i looked in and was admiring what i had done to the place,, and said hey dad are you proud of me now,,, and straight away said to myself,,, you fucking bollox sean,,,who were you doing this for,,,
ever since that day i have not worked properly,, i run the place do all that, but what ever happened that day something died in me,, as before that i reguarded my sels as seasn the spraypainter as i perfected it so he could not take it from me,, but then i lost it,,
after fighting myself for a year and a half of wondering why i was such a useless bastard i tried to take my life,, as i felt that i was no good to any one,,
i lost something that day but these days i have poetry and it gives me the feeling that i used to get from spraying a car,,,
my question is did any of yee experience this, it was a huge loss but it made me realise that i,m a human not a spraypainter,, thats just what i did,,i was defined by what i choose to call myself and that was removed when i asked was my dad proud,,which ment to me i was nothing,,
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i now know i, am something i still dont feel like spraying,,,as i,m afraid to make a mistake,, its amazing how your life can twist and turn,,
did any of yee go through this,,