my dead dad

[sean keyes]

brief history to start out with,, my dad was a hard man, hit on us and mentally abused me for years,,,any way hes dead four years now,,,for two and a half years i,ve not worked in my garage properly and could never figure out why,, but i lost my passion for spray painting and just cant do anything i dont like doing,,before that i would work 13 hour days no problem,,, this is what came to me last week after , two and a half years,, and i know what your going to say ,,sure it was staring me in the face,, but outside my garage on day i looked in and was admiring what i had done to the place,, and said hey dad are you proud of me now,,, and straight away said to myself,,, you fucking bollox sean,,,who were you doing this for,,,
ever since that day i have not worked properly,, i run the place do all that, but what ever happened that day something died in me,, as before that i reguarded my sels as seasn the spraypainter as i perfected it so he could not take it from me,, but then i lost it,,

after fighting myself for a year and a half of wondering why i was such a useless bastard i tried to take my life,, as i felt that i was no good to any one,,
i lost something that day but these days i have poetry and it gives me the feeling that i used to get from spraying a car,,,

my question is did any of yee experience this, it was a huge loss but it made me realise that i,m a human not a spraypainter,, thats just what i did,,i was defined by what i choose to call myself and that was removed when i asked was my dad proud,,which ment to me i was nothing,,


This ad goes away when you register.

i now know i, am something i still dont feel like spraying,,,as i,m afraid to make a mistake,, its amazing how your life can twist and turn,,
did any of yee go through this,,

[h0bby1]

yeah felt like that occasionally i know what you mean by the big difference it make to be in the mood or not and what it can do if something or someone alter your mood for something hehe there are various things i do to overcome this when i'm not in the mood but they are still very experimental lol me it is more with programming , but it is the same, it is maybe because i often if not always mix projet with emotional (the thing that is not supposed to be done), so big part of my motivation also come from the ppl i do it with, and the ppl into the project also model the project and the vibe, and it is as important for me than the project realisation in itself so when the vibe is not there motivation is not either and it is getting hard to get focus , when i'm into it i'm the best and the faster lol it is like this i dunno always waht to do, the best i think is removing any pressure you cna have around spraying car, forget all those pressure, and also mental links you have around this, and just focus on the painting and the finality, the pressure and emotional context are just some kind of secondary =)

[sean keyes]

thank you ,, i know it sounds easy as sure just fucking do it,, but i have to enjoy it its not been a prick its just i need to feel alive when i do something i need to feel the energy within it or ,, i wont do it,, and thats what i lost...

[h0bby1]

yeah i have a bit the same trouble, but i know for me the things that trigger it, in fact it is the BIG problem i always had, it this struggle i have, cause i know ppl who do things with their heart and when i'm integrated into these group everything goes well, but most of them are into illegal stuff and don't have a real companie or such, not that they would not like to but it always put lot of legal problems and stuff, now i'm getting into work and stuff and it is ok it is with friends and cool company it is abit on the fence, but well i know what my hearth want to do, and i know the governement do not really like ppl to be gathered together to do stuff outside of a company and oustide the law, but it is the way it works the best lol lot of ppl tell me i should go and work for real big companies, i have the skill and everything i could be on 50k$/yr in big companies ,but i just can't work in those condition with those ppl lol but i dunno, i guess someday the good condition for 'us' will be put together in cool centers for that we can do what we have to do without being into all kind of emotional turmoil and social conflict about everything lol for now the best center factories i saw were in the getho or raves, or internet creative group around demomaking/hacking but they all are considered illegal and many jail sentence have been given yet lol

dunno if you saw the movie fast n furious, in the garage it is the kind of environement that i feel home in lol they didn't made a real movie about hackers from the getho but it looks a bit the same with computers instead of cars lol

but i'm very happy when i see some of my traveller friend, they are really becoming a bit more wise, it is nice, i really wish they go the way i wish they go, and they look like they are doing it, last time a friend of me told 'yeah it is not a good idea to put lsd in candy pack and give them all around the place without telling' lol in the same time his girl did ketamin in the clubs toilet and they have a 3 month baby, but , they are starting to realise a bit something about morality, it is the only that always disturbed me a bit with them is they have very low moral and don't have this thing i associate with indigoness to know the way etc i spoke with the other about cosmic energy and he was into it also ! and he is up for the open chakras festival, i think something is moving into this little underground world it make me happy, even if i know the gov won't change they way he see them at least maybe something a bit more clean and vaguely serious can be done really with good vibes with them , i wish lol even if it is not 100% legal, at least something tjhat can be put on tv without telling we are all drug dealers and cyber criminals, and avoiding to have 3000 cops coming visit us each time lol

[ekati]

yeah me too. I was an excellent student from 6 to 16 years old. Then something changed I did not care to excell any more, and gradually I felt that I could not, and I still do not/cannot. My father is alive, you might remember from my posts in another thread that he shared some traits with your dad. But I still do not know why I changed. I guess it could be adolescence... Any other views??
I guess it could also be true that I was so hurt by his behaviour that finally I lost interest in keeping him happy and proud.. I was angry and sad...
And now I am on a turning point and I do not know what to do next... go abroad again and study which would be good for my career, or stay here find a moderate job and be around friends and family? What matters the most? the last was off topic I guess! sorry!