Roommate Stealing Problem

[Silverhaze]

So unfortunately I'm pretty sure that my roommate is stealing money. Because I have more than one roommate, I shall refer to her as roommate C. The other roommate shall be known as roommate A.

Anyways, roommate C has a known habit of stealing from stores. In fact, said habit has become a big problem. She can't seem to help herself. She's becoming a true clepto. Now anytime she goes out to a store she steals things, just something little. She's even admitted to me that she feels like she has to do it.

She recently got caught at our Winco. She got really lucky, had a feeling someone was watching her and put all of the things back but they still took her in and searched her and told her not to come back for a few months or they'd call the cops on her.

She's got a lot more problems going on currently and our relationship is rocky right now because of all the stupid things she has been doing, but I never thought she would outright steal from me or roommate A. We've known each other for 8 years. We have literally saved her life and gave her a place to stay when no one else would (couple years before this) even when it could have gotten me kicked out of my own housing situation.

I know that she has had a rough six months and all and have tried to be understanding. Recently we had to give her a talk about doing something. She had to withdrawl from school because of medical reasons and hasn't had a real job in over 2 years. She has been taking advantage of us.


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A month ago $20 went missing out of my wallet. I asked her straight to her face if she took it. I told her it was okay, I just wanted to know and told her all she had to do was ask if she really need the money. She told me she didn't but I have a very strong suspicion that she was lying. I let it go, thinking the money would resurface on my desk, that she would return it without saying anything and we'd move on. That was a bad judgment on my part. She didn't return the money and we all just went on like nothing happened. Then a week ago roommate A had $20 go missing. He always puts his money in the same place so I found it hard to believe that he had misplaced it.

He left to go see his brother for a week and hours after he left. Roommate C came out of her room claiming to have found $20 dollars in her pants pocket. It's possible she did, but I seriously doubt it, since she's been dirt poor for the past 5 months and wouldn't misplace any money since she had so little of it.

Then I remember 4 months ago when $20 dollars went missing while I was gone taking a friend home. Another friend was blamed for this occurance, because he had also been known for stealing and we were already upset with him for other things that had happened that weekend. However in hind sight, roommate C was also home that day and could have easily taken the money and just blamed it on this other person.

I have no proof that she has taken any money from us, but her track record isn't clean and I have a strong gut feeling that she did. It is very unfortunate. I've been talking with roommate A and we have agreed to let it go, unless it happens again since we have no proof and really don't want to accuse our friend, however if it happens a fourth time, we have to do something...

Anyone else ever have this type of situation?

[Dabbs]

That's sad. I had one of the kids that stayed here take my credit card. He kept it for almost a month, after he moved out! He only racked up like $300. But, he kept telling me he didn't have it! He knew all he had to do was ask and I'd give him money for gas.

Anyway.... to get my card back, we had to threaten to call the sheriff. He told me he found it in his truck. LOL

He's no longer allowed here. Which is a shame, this is one of the kids who stayed here from his freshman year in high school until he was about 22. But, he must not have cared too much if he was able to steal from us. He still calls every once in a while. And when we're out somewhere, he'll talk to us as though nothing ever happened.

Ask her to leave. She isn't your responsibility and if she isn't ready to help herself, she's only going to keep hurting you and roommate A.

[tappsislandmom]

Anyone else ever have this type of situation?
_________

My nephew thought my niece was stealing his money. So he planted money on his night stand in his room and went outside to play basketball with his friend. His friend knew the plan. Niece was in the house and the friend and nephew came back inside and the money was gone off the night stand. She lied of course that she didn't do it but my sister searched her and found it in her shoe!@@
Sounds like your friend really has a problem that is more psychological. Even if she had everythig, she would still have the need to steal. Remember that wionna ryder actress that stoled from the clothing store and she has everything. I said, man...she is messed up somehow and hope she gets help. She needs therapy. No drugs.. just therapy. Hope she gets some help. Your a nice friend to her.
Janet
Janet

[Kei]

I think stealing is a habit out of fear it probably has to do with her going through a hard time idk, like in movies where people steal food to live cuz they fear they cant get it any other way, but now its just turned into a habit from the rough time she had.

[Celticknot]

She's an addict now for whatever reason. Addicts need a wake up call. This is when you lock your money up tight, and sit her ass down and say...You have one month to get your shit straight , or however long is a reasonable goal. You put it all in her control , in her lap, make this her responsibility. Tell her the consequences if she screws up just once. . She needs to leave. During that time she has to get her shit together support her in any means you determine fit and if she turns around...hey you saved a life.

If she doesn't she can't destroy yours as well.

And don't feel guilty, how many times have you bailed her out or overlooked this? You've given her plenty of opps, now she has to give herself one.

[Celticknot]

She's an addict now for whatever reason. Addicts need a wake up call. This is when you lock your money up tight, and sit her ass down and say...You have one month to get your shit straight , or however long is a reasonable goal. You put it all in her control , in her lap, make this her responsibility. Tell her the consequences if she screws up just once. . She needs to leave. During that time she has to get her shit together support her in any means you determine fit and if she turns around...hey you saved a life.

If she doesn't she can't destroy yours as well.

And don't feel guilty, how many times have you bailed her out or overlooked this? You've given her plenty of opps, now she has to give herself one.

[Windlift]

LOL we can solve your problem LOL get a fake 100.00 bill or 50.00 bill they can't tell them apart LOL make sure they drink before doing the deed and solves your problem cause once there out of the house for 30 days then you can load up there things and boot them out the door! You cannot kick them out nor lock the door or you will go to jail

It was only a joke? but never tell anyone you put the bill on your table at your bed side with some things just dont ever say it or tell it...

There are ways to get rid of the problem .....always a phone call away?..... before you get jailed by something they did.. thats in your home!!!!!!! Items they steal? better think about it seriously..........remember its your life reputation.. count on that..

[inner indigo]

An honest conversation is always the best way to solve these situations

[inferno_dragon377]

Roomate C has a problem that she has let get out of control. She is making the choice to continue this. She is also reaching out for help to you by saying that she feels like she has to do it. If she has started to steal from you guys it shows a degeneration. Stealing from corporations is not a big deal (on the psychological level) as it is impersonal. The degeneration from stores to personal relationships shows a devolution in the mindset.

You of course have several options as to what you could do, just as she has several choices that she is going to have to make. You could set her up, as stated above. Make sure she sees the twenty, and where you hide it. Wait til ti is gone, and then catch her. When you do that, sit her down tell her how it is. I tend to shy away from the ultimatum approach that CK has suggested. I would tell her however that her addiction is breaking up a long term friendship, and that if she doesnt change it, then the relationship will change. Make sure she knows she is responsible, and support her. She needs help.

You can give it to her, but she can only be helped if it comes from within. Unfortunately, if she is not ready to change that aspect of her life, there is nothing you can do. You have to make that call, you know her better than any of us. Be prepared to cut strings if you have to, you cant have that kind of stress and negativity in your life. Good Luck.

[GenericIndigo]

find a useful place to store your used tampons besides the trash. if it magically becomes inside of a roommate's sock, so be it.

[tmt]

I agree, an honest conversation and not in an accusatory manner. Just matter of fact tone, it is self evident, no need to deny it just move toward a solution.

An honest conversation is always the best way to solve these situations

[inner indigo]

The kinder the talk, the better the results
We all make mistakes

[GenericIndigo]

the more aggressive the talk, the more fearful you can become, and achieve better results.

[climbing]

Get a lock for your door. I've dealt with more roommate problems than I could list here which is why I will hopefully never again have to have roommates. I've had roommates steal video games, money, food, and god knows what else from me. I've also had just as many problems with psycho roommates starting drama and accusing me and mine of things we didn't do. At my last house, my psychotic housemate claimed that my boyfriend had stolen her shampoo. He had a buzz cut and didn't even use shampoo. Yeah... no more housemates.

But really, a lock on the door with all your valuables inside works. You don't even have to tell her you're putting it on. What is she going to do, try and break in and then ask you why you've locked her out? Just keep your valuables safe and don't leave money or anything that matters in shared space until you can get rid of her somehow.

[inferno_dragon377]

If you go that route though, turn your door slide facing into the door so its harder to pick.

[GenericIndigo]

develop better intuition when selecting next roommate situation

[Silverhaze]

develop better intuition when selecting next roommate situation

Well you see she's been my roommate for the past 3 years without any incident. It wasn't until the last 4 months that things have been going downhill.

[GenericIndigo]

Well you see she's been my roommate for the past 3 years without any incident. It wasn't until the last 4 months that things have been going downhill.

I am not the best problem solver (obviously?)
I would steal her shit as stealthily as possible
I would employ projective identification (as I always do)
I would force this on others until my point is clear (usually it works)
I would do this until the person folds (or I get banned)

[climbing]

Well you see she's been my roommate for the past 3 years without any incident. It wasn't until the last 4 months that things have been going downhill.

My biggest intuition for myself for the new year: Do not be afraid to change what is no longer working. Thought it might be good for you as well.

[GenericIndigo]

tell that stupid lying ho straight to her face "stop stealing my shit or I'm gonna fuck you up bitch"

don't fucking lock your door that's bullshit this is your home

tell her you can make her heart stop with a thought and that fucking red hot feeling she's feeling inside is just the beginning of what you're able to do... at least that's about what I'm going to say next time I get angry