Feeling more lost than ever, help me, please.

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I started to use this website a few weeks ago, I think, unless time plays tricks with me, and it was great! I felt more connected, I was finding like people, and everyone is very positive and calm and accepting here (I wish I knew you all in real life!) and since the time I have left I have been becoming very lost.

For the past year or two I've been going to doctors and they believe I have a form of bipolar, so I'm wondering if this has anything to do with it. It usually does, but I get so negative and in my head I know the way I'm acting is not myself, because I constantly practice being calm and grounded. I just get SO negative, I don't know how to stop it! I try deep breathing and mantras, but it seems the only thing I can do is be around people who understand or hole myself up in my room.

I'm home for the holidays right now, and my family has a big history of arguments and bad situations, and I feel as if I suck in all the bad energy.
The holidays left me feeling completely angry at all the useless consumerism, and I'm constantly feeling anger towards people who don't deserve it.

I've tried meditating. It helps for a bit, I try to do it before bed so I won't feel the same as I did when I fell asleep.

When I get in these bad moods, I generally turn to smoking a lot of weed to cope with it easier, it seems to be the only thing that works. Trying to occupy my mind and eating healthy, and even being with people still doesn't help. My boyfriend understands so he does his darndest to make me happy and I love him for it.

I just don't know who to talk to without sounding totally crazy! What's worse, is that I even harmed myself the other week, and afterwards I just felt like a total failure.

I'm well aware I'm loved, and I still project love when I meditate, and hopefully it's just bipolarism right now, or maybe it's not and I'm just in a blue funk.

Can anyone help? It'd be wonderful, thanks so much.
breshine
 
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Sending love your way....yes you...what is past is past..you are not a failure-you made a mistake. Glad to know you,re ok. As for the blue funk...well in an environment like you are in right now I,d probably be in a funk too. Is it your funk or someone elses that you are carrying? Try to remove yourself from it. I understand that it is a visit...but you have to take care of you cuz no one else can. Get out and away from the negativity when you can...just go to a park or take a hot bath and put some nice music on with headphones....whatever lifts YOUR spirit. Keep the focus on you. Give yourself some breathing space to figure out how you can best deal with it. But venting is good too:D..xxoo
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makwaiskwew
 
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The problem with you smoking weed and using it as a coping mechanism is this you feel great when you have it it calms your mind and helps you cope. But when you need it and dont have it it makes you feel down and depressed because withdrawel of the drug also means withdrawel of the coping mechanism. The same goes for cigarettes, alcohol, coffee, chocolate. You need something other than that to help you cope.
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Museatlantis
 
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When you "get negative" what are the thoughts that are bothering you, specifically?
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climbing
 
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by h0bby1
the way i see it, it is like increasing your whole sentivity and removing mental barrier to repressing thing, in a way it can be normal to feel weird or stressed or worried currently, there are more than enought reason for it, and paying more attention to your mind can also trigger lot of stuff, the best is to observe this flow of negativity and remember it is only temporary, and don't get afraid of it, it is normal to feel down from time to time, and if you let it all goes through your consciousness, after it will not bother you anymore and you will grow stronger mental, but those are normal phase of this process, specially in our current time =)
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by LH919
what is bipolarism? A word to describe that you have a range of emotions? Perhaps more ~intense sensitive~ than others?

Could you learn to live with the extremes? Do the extremes bother you or are you bothered by worry of non acceptance of others?

Do you feel some justification for your ~negativity~ about your family arguments and the state of the world/holidays?

Should the family dynamics change and heal? Could the world heal?

If yes, how will that happen if no one is left on earth like you who has ~intensity and passion~?
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LH919
 
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[QUOTE=Museatlantis;886621]The problem with you smoking weed and using it as a coping mechanism is this you feel great when you have it it calms your mind and helps you cope. But when you need it and dont have it it makes you feel down and depressed because withdrawel of the drug also means withdrawel of the coping mechanism. The same goes for cigarettes, alcohol, coffee, chocolate. You need something other than that to help you cope.[/QUOTE]

It's funny, because I know I want to quit smoking weed, and as much as it helps with coping, it also makes me agitated when I'm high on it, because I know I want to quit and I know I feel disconnected. It's like a lesser of two evils battle, not being high and coping with reality, or being high and feeling continuously out of the loop. I need some coping exercises to exist without a drug being my fall back when I'm feeling lost.
breshine
 
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[QUOTE=climbing;886709]When you "get negative" what are the thoughts that are bothering you, specifically?[/QUOTE]
Society, mostly. I wonder how people could get so mean and negative, and why can't they realise that when they project negativity, it's not helping anyone, including themselves. I get really tired of people not asking why this was made, how it was made, WHY is _____ the way it is, and so forth. Blind consumerism makes me really angry, especially around the holidays.
I just can't find my niche in todays society, and I'm a very social person, so I need to find people who think along the same lines of how I think. It's hard, though, and recently, I've been getting distant from a lot of my old friends because we're all going our separate ways, and have different views. We're still friends, but not the same as before.
I'm honestly glad I found this website, just so I can voice my thoughts. I'd probably explode if I couldn't.
breshine
 
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[QUOTE=LH919;886805]what is bipolarism? A word to describe that you have a range of emotions? Perhaps more ~intense sensitive~ than others?

Could you learn to live with the extremes? Do the extremes bother you or are you bothered by worry of non acceptance of others?

Do you feel some justification for your ~negativity~ about your family arguments and the state of the world/holidays?

Should the family dynamics change and heal? Could the world heal?

If yes, how will that happen if no one is left on earth like you who has ~intensity and passion~?[/QUOTE]

Bipolarism is best explained as a "loop" of emotions. They have a few days of feelings out of this world amazing and happy and energetic, can't sleep. Then, they have a normal period where they feel themselves, and then it dips into a rough 2-3 weeks of intense depression. People with bipolar have very INTENSE emotions as well. They can switch emotions at the drop of a hat.

I sometimes think that it has something to do with being very empathic, especially when it's related to my family. I know my whole life I've always been able to feel others emotions. I sometimes wonder if my emotions are mine.

I definitely think that my negativity could be due to my family. I spent some hours alone last night and woke up feeling a lot better.
breshine
 
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[QUOTE=h0bby1;886720]the way i see it, it is like increasing your whole sentivity and removing mental barrier to repressing thing, in a way it can be normal to feel weird or stressed or worried currently, there are more than enought reason for it, and paying more attention to your mind can also trigger lot of stuff, the best is to observe this flow of negativity and remember it is only temporary, and don't get afraid of it, it is normal to feel down from time to time, and if you let it all goes through your consciousness, after it will not bother you anymore and you will grow stronger mental, but those are normal phase of this process, specially in our current time =)[/QUOTE]

Thanks!
Sometimes I feel as though I can't handle everything that's coming through me, I think that's why I resort to drugs when it gets too tough. I'm going to try quitting weed and try to focus on growing instead of stunting myself spiritually.
breshine
 
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[QUOTE=makwaiskwew;886550]Sending love your way....yes you...what is past is past..you are not a failure-you made a mistake. Glad to know you,re ok. As for the blue funk...well in an environment like you are in right now I,d probably be in a funk too. Is it your funk or someone elses that you are carrying? Try to remove yourself from it. I understand that it is a visit...but you have to take care of you cuz no one else can. Get out and away from the negativity when you can...just go to a park or take a hot bath and put some nice music on with headphones....whatever lifts YOUR spirit. Keep the focus on you. Give yourself some breathing space to figure out how you can best deal with it. But venting is good too:D..xxoo[/QUOTE]

Thankyou! And thankyou everyone else who replied, you've all really made me think and made me feel better!

Sometimes I can get so down, but having a place like this to come and vent to really makes it easier. :)
breshine
 
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Bipolarism sounds a lot like manic depression, intense state of happiness and amazing feelings then normal period then very intense depression. Needing the coping mechanism to cope will lead to a slow breaking down of the coping mechanism and you will reach a point where it doesnt help you cope anymore. You need your friends and family around you to support you make them your coping mechanism.
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Museatlantis
 
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by h0bby1
[QUOTE=breshine;886833]Thanks!
Sometimes I feel as though I can't handle everything that's coming through me, I think that's why I resort to drugs when it gets too tough. I'm going to try quitting weed and try to focus on growing instead of stunting myself spiritually.[/QUOTE]
it can happen for this to be overhelming, but it is not always good to suppress it with drug if you have the time just lay down and let it flow through you :) normally it cannot really harm you lol it can just well make you disconnected and needing time to let it go away, but after those phase generally you'll feel better for longer time than if you suppress it with drug
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h0bby1
 
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[QUOTE=Museatlantis;886864]Bipolarism sounds a lot like manic depression, intense state of happiness and amazing feelings then normal period then very intense depression. Needing the coping mechanism to cope will lead to a slow breaking down of the coping mechanism and you will reach a point where it doesnt help you cope anymore. You need your friends and family around you to support you make them your coping mechanism.[/QUOTE]

I think she has friends and family around her right here...I know I do...xxoo
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makwaiskwew
 
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by LH919
[QUOTE=breshine;886832]I sometimes think that it has something to do with being very empathic, especially when it's related to my family. I know my whole life I've always been able to feel others emotions. I sometimes wonder if my emotions are mine.

I definitely think that my negativity could be due to my family. I spent some hours alone last night and woke up feeling a lot better.[/QUOTE]

Thank you. I actually understand what it is to a degree but asked in the vein of ~how does the term put a slant on the experience of it~

You described well your experience and I also understand how a few days at one pole (feeling up) followed by weeks at the opposite pole can be very well ~unbalanced~

This ~state of being~ DOES have everything to do with empathy and sensitivity to energy all around.

Your emotions ARE yours however the surrounding energy will always affect your emotions.

Have you seen the documentary ~Summer in a cage~?

There are a few scenes despite the overall direction the film took that show how a person with intense emotion should and can help themself.

(hint part involves being in water and playing with mud) (it's on yt you should watch it)

And yes, solitude does help just as being in crowds can often harm.

My point in speaking to you in this manner ~ to help you realize this may feel like a curse but it may also be a blessing
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LH919
 
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[QUOTE=LH919;886933]Thank you. I actually understand what it is to a degree but asked in the vein of ~how does the term put a slant on the experience of it~

You described well your experience and I also understand how a few days at one pole (feeling up) followed by weeks at the opposite pole can be very well ~unbalanced~

This ~state of being~ DOES have everything to do with empathy and sensitivity to energy all around.

Your emotions ARE yours however the surrounding energy will always affect your emotions.

Have you seen the documentary ~Summer in a cage~?

There are a few scenes despite the overall direction the film took that show how a person with intense emotion should and can help themself.

(hint part involves being in water and playing with mud) (it's on yt you should watch it)

And yes, solitude does help just as being in crowds can often harm.

My point in speaking to you in this manner ~ to help you realize this may feel like a curse but it may also be a blessing[/QUOTE]

Thankyou, I will watch it! I love documentaries.
breshine
 
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[QUOTE=Museatlantis;886864]Bipolarism sounds a lot like manic depression, intense state of happiness and amazing feelings then normal period then very intense depression. Needing the coping mechanism to cope will lead to a slow breaking down of the coping mechanism and you will reach a point where it doesnt help you cope anymore. You need your friends and family around you to support you make them your coping mechanism.[/QUOTE]

I agree. It's very much like how mosquito's are becoming immune to bug spray, because they are getting too used to it.

Or how with every drug, you need more and more of it to keep getting high.


Manic depression is another term for bipolar disorder, they are very much related. I believe I've always had it. My entire life seems to have been in "loops". Lately, it seems to be more apparent because it's keeping me from finishing school or keeping -or LOOKING for- a job.

A normal job almost disgusts me. I just can't seem to function with one.
breshine
 
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[QUOTE=makwaiskwew;886879]I think she has friends and family around her right here...I know I do...xxoo[/QUOTE]

<3! <3! xoxoxo
breshine
 
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by Magnus
To the OP,

Eliminate caffeine and any stimulants and make sure you eat well. In my experiences with negative thinking, the more down I get, the more I crave pick me ups and that just makes me more nervous. Have a cup herbal tea and draw up a bath with calming fragrances and candles. When you are obsessive in negative thought patterns you have to act. Since you can't flee or escape, make up a ritual that calms you. I think the bath ritual is most effective.

I find that giving into a panic attack allows all the thoughts to purge so that could work. After I have a full fledged panic attack, I see things differently and realize that it wasn't so bad. But I don't want to recommend that because it's painful in the process. Imagine that each time you spiral down, you are getting stronger with the pain and you are learning from your mistakes. Manage your emotions because they are yours and nobody else can manage them for you.

I really hope you find peace and happiness...:)
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by Magnus
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