I started to use this website a few weeks ago, I think, unless time plays tricks with me, and it was great! I felt more connected, I was finding like people, and everyone is very positive and calm and accepting here (I wish I knew you all in real life!) and since the time I have left I have been becoming very lost.
For the past year or two I've been going to doctors and they believe I have a form of bipolar, so I'm wondering if this has anything to do with it. It usually does, but I get so negative and in my head I know the way I'm acting is not myself, because I constantly practice being calm and grounded. I just get SO negative, I don't know how to stop it! I try deep breathing and mantras, but it seems the only thing I can do is be around people who understand or hole myself up in my room.
I'm home for the holidays right now, and my family has a big history of arguments and bad situations, and I feel as if I suck in all the bad energy.
The holidays left me feeling completely angry at all the useless consumerism, and I'm constantly feeling anger towards people who don't deserve it.
I've tried meditating. It helps for a bit, I try to do it before bed so I won't feel the same as I did when I fell asleep.
When I get in these bad moods, I generally turn to smoking a lot of weed to cope with it easier, it seems to be the only thing that works. Trying to occupy my mind and eating healthy, and even being with people still doesn't help. My boyfriend understands so he does his darndest to make me happy and I love him for it.
I just don't know who to talk to without sounding totally crazy! What's worse, is that I even harmed myself the other week, and afterwards I just felt like a total failure.
I'm well aware I'm loved, and I still project love when I meditate, and hopefully it's just bipolarism right now, or maybe it's not and I'm just in a blue funk.
Can anyone help? It'd be wonderful, thanks so much.