I haven't been here for a very long time and decided to come back with a question. Didn't really know how to name the thread... anyway ...
I was wondering if anyone experienced similar to what I did, or heard anything about similar experiences.
I'm not going to tell my life story, it's going to take too long. I'll try to explain everything without going into too many details.
I've experienced a lot of strange things... Whether I was contacting something or someone or it was happening to me due to birth head injury is not relevant right now. I want to gather all kinds of information to learn how to deal with this.
I start with childhood.
before age 2 - don't recall any experiences.
between age 2 and 3 - might have sensed something slightly but was unable to process it.
One thing I'd like to note - even at very early age I felt like an adult who's been 1000s years old, that my life is just a sort of like a train stop, thing in between to deal with and to make the best out of it. One more thing I'd like to mention - I've been diagnosed with Asperger's (high functioning Autism sort of like).
between age 3 and 5
I sensed certain dark (as I call it) energy in certain places as if it was kind of located or should I say, concentrated, there. It felt like that energy can consume you and make you exist (or how I saw it, fall, sort of like, existence in constant falling) in darkness permanently.
for some reason I was terrified of it. My 1st encounter with it was in a house we were renting, the whole house felt weird, but somehow at some point I felt that darkness was concentrated in a tv set.
I started having nightmares about the darkness.
When we moved I felt there's someone in the house periodically trying to contact me, I called them blue people. When my mom told me it was my imagination, I stopped seeing them.
between 5 and 10-11, I continued seeing the same dream over and over, that people with bluish skin in forms of my relatives, friends and just regular people were coming to my house calling me with them, I felt they were the darkness, they were trying to consume me somehow... don't know how else to describe it. Weirdly enough I also felt this energy in some churches, not any churches, only some, as if they were corrupted somehow.
One more thing I'd like to mention, when I was about 5 my great grandfather died (I'd like to mention I wasn't afraid of death and knew what it was), on the night I was sleeping at a neighbors house, every time I closed my eyes I saw myself in the same room surrounded my shadows spreading their arms towards me. I woke up about 3 times and every time I fell asleep I saw the same thing. Then I decided not to be afraid of them and had pretty good night sleep after that.
During the funeral I went into a panic more unexpectedly, I couldn't understand why it was happening. I was removed from the funeral and I was waiting at a playground. Suddenly I felt peaceful and happy, I couldn't stop myself from laughing. Apparently my great grandfather was in the ground then.
between age on 10-11 and 14-15 I decided to believe in God, I prayed every day asking for guidance. I started seeing different things. Sort of like lucid dreaming. I'm in my room and see a tall man in a grey hooded robe, communicating with me but I couldn't hear very well. One day it all ended suddenly, when I saw a monstrous crucifix, it was the darkness. After that I was in, as I call it grey mode for some time. Tried to figure out what's going on. Periodically I would feel that energy here and there.
when I was about 19-20 I started reading Castaneda, a lot of things made sense to me (I'd like to mention I also read psychology and philosophy books, plus I explored a possibility that I had an epilepsy, which I don't, I've been diagnosed with complicated migraines), a few times I saw a large orange egg next to my bed (which I thought was caused by images from the book) but surprisingly I saw it every time I was doing the Tensegrity exercises actively. It felt like the egg was trying to communicate with me but I was again, terrified.
2 years ago I started using another meditation technique very actively. Felt energy around me like never before. This time I heard clear directions and answers to my questions, saw tons of animals and lots strange visions. But then this darkness again. at 1st I was able to deal with it somehow. But one day I noticed that I don't feel as peaceful and happy any more, then I had the worst pain in my stomach ever, I haven't had so much pain for a long time. On than day my friend asked me an opinion about organization, it was a sect who brainwash using special videos and music, apparently they use some sort of hidden sound, or however you call them. I literally felt like someone was "breaking" into my head (I didn't know they were sect prior that, I only started researching after I got that feeling). So after that I felt that months of meditation went down the drain, I was in a grey mode again.
a few months ago, I started meditating again. And again clear messages, clues in real life, answers better than ever before. And the darkness came back again, and this time stronger than before. I woke up many times during the night. One night I woke up again, 2:22am, I wish I stayed awake! I might have prevented what happened next. But then again, maybe it was for the best. At 6 in the morning I woke up from loud screaming outside. The house across the street was on fire. I called 911. Fire trucks came, worked on the house all morning. All the people came out safely. But the house burned completely, it had to be demolished. After that I didn't feel concentration of darkness so much, but it seemed it's still around.
I'm so tired of feeling this, I want to learn how to deal with it. If it's neurological there're not many things I can do, but I know how to deal with that. But if it's something else I would like to see some ideas what it can be and how to deal with it.