Relationship/Awakening/Insecurity/Sociopaths

[silverdragonfyr]

So this is LONG... if you don't have time... stop now!
I apologize in advance if I'm wordy- I tend to be sometimes.


So, I've been reading non-stop for several days since I found this site. I have just in the last month acknowledged that I am Indigo however, I have known I was different for as long as I can remember.

I believed in Reincarnation and past lives before such a concept was ever taught to me ( I went to a private Christian school). I just "knew" it, never mentioned it, never questioned Creation really... I just disagreed and that was that.

I never liked boys like everyone expected me to. In high school finally a friend slapped me and pulled me out of the closet. I dated a few people but I was seeking a deep connection and sex just for sex I didn't want to be bothered with... I had more important things to do.

My first year in college I did a tremendous amount of lsd, pot smoking and ecstasy, I had a ton of friends and I was out and about all the time. I was not looking for a relationship. (I do not have a problem with drugs btw... I don't use the harder stuff anymore but I feel it might have added to my clouded ecstasy "I love everyone" demeanor)

Anyways, I ended up without a home for a few months (long story) and stayed at a guys house that was a friend of a friend, because well, he was the only one who was kind enough to offer repeatedly ( I don't ask for help often). Anyways, I fell in love with him, or at least what I thought he was... I thought he was everything I wanted in a girl but a boy- he was so much like me- I thought a kindred, a soul mate... another person LIKE ME! I was never really physically attracted to him though, but I thought we had a connection in every other way. I introduced him to my family and my little sister and brother. They all loved him, he got down on the floor and played with my little sister and brother, animals loved him too. I'm very connected to animals and I helped raise my brother and sister so him getting along with them was HUGE for me.

I ended up in a 6 year relationship- only 2 of which I was really what you could call happy (the first two years we did large amounts of drugs too). I married the guy thinking that would change it... yes I was really depressed and mentally messed up. That was a big mistake- he was so horrible to me once we were married- I was trapped.

We basically were living together but not together in any way, not even friends- he did things deliberately to piss me off and did harmful things to me in many other ways. We were tight on money (it just kept disappearing) and a good friend of mine was going through some hard times, she ended up moving down and stayed in an extra bedroom we had.

My friend really helped me open my eyes up to what he was doing to me. He was lying, had a horrible gambling problem, I believe now he cheated on me a number of times, he would go to walmart and home depot, buy a pack of gum and take 100 cash back so I wouldnt catch him. My friend found a reciept in his truck and showed me... I never understood what he was buying at the stores and where it all went, but was too lamb-like to question. (this is NOT my optimal nature)

As the clouds cleared and I did research (because I did not understand so many of the things he did to me) and couldn't accept how someone who swore he loved me could be so hurtful. I realized that he fit the characteristics of a sociopath to a T... otherwise known as Antisocial personality disorder (what I believe to be a person born without a soul).

Long story shorter, I ended up falling in love with my friend and with her support left the guy. Its been over a year and we're still together, I'm almost finally divorced. Thank goodness... Leaving him has been like the beginning of my life.

Now that I told you my story... my questions are this....

1) How could I not see though this? As an Indigo I'm supposed to be more sensitive- I've always been a great judge of character- especially when looking out for my friends... but how could I get myself in such an abuse relationship without having any idea for years?

2) I'm having issues with my current relationship - my own issues.. I push her away and pick fights with her... I think I'm afraid I'm going to do the same things. Though I absolutely know she's not sociopathic- She does not fit the description at all.... shes very empathetic and I wonder even if she might be starseed. I had such a strong spiritual connection with her as friends before and as lover in the beginning, like a electrical charge and we were vibrating at the same frequency. I keep running, but I don't want to. She treats me like gold and I know she'd throw herself in front of a bus for me... why am I having trouble letting her back in.

3) How can someone be born without a soul. Or if you disagree with that hypothesis what is your own to explain those who are sociopathic? (like serial killers- who have no regret, no fear, no remorse).

I never never never share personal things like this with anyone... I'm really opening myself up here so please... please if you disagree with anything please just be gentle!

Thank You !

[dragonflier]

I think that even though you are indigo, you are still having your "human experience". Your husband was brought to you so that you could learn something from the experience. It ties in with reincarnation... helping each other understand all the multifaceted curiosities of life. Being Indigo doesn't make us immune to these things... it makes us more open to growing from them.

I also think that the drugs you were using may have dampered your "gifts". Spirits don't like to speak to me even if i'm slightly beer buzzed.

2) the "no soul theory" is interesting to me, but it doesn't fit in with my theory:

We all have souls and purpose.. to teach each other compassion, love, understanding.. and to help us realize our interconnectedness. I also think diseases of all kinds come from an imbalance of the chakras, holes in our auras, leeching spirit energies, etc.

3)Be gentle with yourself! Try not to beat yourself up too much for your past. Your new relationship will survive if it is meant to. You alone have the power to allow yourself to be loved. get some rose quartz or some peridot and allow yourself time and space to heal.

Spring Blessings of renewal and rebirth!
Your Sister,
D

[silverdragonfyr]

I think that even though you are indigo, you are still having your "human experience". Your husband was brought to you so that you could learn something from the experience. It ties in with reincarnation... helping each other understand all the multifaceted curiosities of life. Being Indigo doesn't make us immune to these things... it makes us more open to growing from them.

I also think that the drugs you were using may have dampered your "gifts". Spirits don't like to speak to me even if i'm slightly beer buzzed.

2) the "no soul theory" is interesting to me, but it doesn't fit in with my theory:

We all have souls and purpose.. to teach each other compassion, love, understanding.. and to help us realize our interconnectedness. I also think diseases of all kinds come from an imbalance of the chakras, holes in our auras, leeching spirit energies, etc.

3)Be gentle with yourself! Try not to beat yourself up too much for your past. Your new relationship will survive if it is meant to. You alone have the power to allow yourself to be loved. get some rose quartz or some peridot and allow yourself time and space to heal.

Spring Blessings of renewal and rebirth!
Your Sister,
D

Thank you very much.... I've been doing some meditation and reliving some events and I do know that everything I've gone though has made me stronger . I'm formally divorced next tuesday and I haven't been more excited for anything in a long time. I'm really ready to leave that mess behind and move forward.
I cleansed my rose quartz and put it next to my bed.

Here's to the bright future!