Empath and Dating

[defensekid]

I am a natural Empath. I currently have a girlfriend and have tried to break up with her on several occasions. however on each occasion she starts balling and because of her emotions i get overwhelmed and very confused. so i havent broken up with her yet. my latest attempt was last night i tried to do it over the computer and it blew up in my face. i am still very confused and overwhelmed from last night, and its some hours later.

The girl is driving me insane she is feeding off my empathy and my emotions in a sense she is a psychic vampire feeding off of me but because of my empathy i cant break up with her cause i cant stand her crying and it completely overwhelms me and confuses me and then i cant do much of anything.

any advice or anything?

[jsps13]

I have one!

Don't do it over the phone or using the internet, it's better done face-to-face.

[defensekid]

ive tried that too, i get extremely overwhelmed and basically my body and mind in defensive mode to save itself shuts down. i know its better done face to face but this girl was also my first love and my first serious girlfriend, and i was her first love and serious boyfriend too, so the emotions are even higher and its so overwhelming.

[soulfulgrl]

You can use this upsetting situation as a great lesson. Being able to ward off emotional vampires will get better with time and experience. Sometimes in order to take care of ourselves we must be blunt and assertive with people. What happens is people see our kindness as a weakness. Our greatest gift is also our greatest weakness. For me it bring me great pain to "hurt" people so I have developed great honing skills to avoid getting into situations where that may manifest. I also have found that whenever I do have to deal with a draining person, I consciously give that person less attention.
Whatever you give attention to grows and whatever you don't give attention to diminishes..
Also, when a person brings up stuff for me, I ask myself what am I supposed to be learning from this situation?
Best of luck...

[Righteous_Morality]

You can use this upsetting situation as a great lesson. Being able to ward off emotional vampires will get better with time and experience. Sometimes in order to take care of ourselves we must be blunt and assertive with people. What happens is people see our kindness as a weakness. Our greatest gift is also our greatest weakness. For me it bring me great pain to "hurt" people so I have developed great honing skills to avoid getting into situations where that may manifest. I also have found that whenever I do have to deal with a draining person, I consciously give that person less attention.
Whatever you give attention to grows and whatever you don't give attention to diminishes..
Also, when a person brings up stuff for me, I ask myself what am I supposed to be learning from this situation?
Best of luck...

That's good advice, and that's exactly what people believe. They take kindness for weakness. People have taken advantage of my kindness in the past, so I have learned to put my foor forward when I need to, and assert when it needs to be done.

You should try to learn from it, try telling her no face to face. It's will power. Everyone has it, start honing it so that in the future, you won't have the problem again. There are also shields that you can put up that will help gaurd you from others' emotions.

As a last ditch effort, get a particularly blunt friend to tell her.

[builderofcastles]

Good day

This is a really tough question to answer, and I will tell you, from experience, that I have not answered it yet. I will try to outline some useful tools in working with this situation.

Distance there is no distance when dealing with empathy. Talking over the phone, or standing near each other has no difference. Distance is helpful, but illusionary tool contrived in the physical plane. There is no distance when dealing with emotions. Pop over to Andromeda (astral travel) and see if your soon-to-be-x-girlfriend feels further away. There is one caviate, that being inside or outside of her aura does make a difference.

So, getting farther away will not help with your empathy. Being face to face does help with communication. Visual cues, body language...

Shielding This is something very important for empaths to learn. Our society very much downplays emotions. "She was just flinging words at him; She never touched him" therefor there is no real damage, right? Wrong. People who can tune to the emotional level (auric) can see the damage just as easily as you could see a knife wound. So now, you will have to learn what the emotional field of battle looks like and learn what armor and weapons work and in what situations. I wish 'field of battle' was not so accurate a definition. (All I can say is find friends that you can become intimate with (emotionally) so you don't feel like you always battling)

The number one thing to recognize is whats inside and what is outside. When you soon-to-be-x-girlfriend makes her emotional appeal, the attack is not entirely coming from her. A great deal of the attack is coming from you. From how you have been programmed. i.e. You should never hurt a woman, Making a woman cry is wrong. You should be a man, take it, suck it up... Understand this and start watching what things are getting triggered inside of you. (All of those examples are one sided and just plain bad for you)

Shielding example 1 Imagine yourself inside a glass jar. I prefer jar, because the image of bubble around you usually has the person you are talking to inside of it. This jar will deflect off all emotional attacks at you. You can create it to diffuse attacks, deflect attacks or reflect attacks. Practice, this gets stronger the more you use it and understand its application.

Shielding example 2 Put a great fiery orb of energy in your belly. You are mostly getting attacked in the 2 and 3 shakras. This is draining your stomach area of energy. Like, deflating it, so it shrinks down on itself. The fiery orb fills up the area, inflating it, keeping the energy up so you can do the talking.

Cords clearing of: You have a lot of cords connecting you to your soon-to-be-x-girlfriend. These are bonds created between you and her. They go from shakra to shakra. You made many of them, she made many of them and you two have made many together. The thing is, that you allowed all of these connections, wether you knew it or not. Anyway, forgive yourself of any allowings you did (there is more precise ways to deal with this, but later after you had more experience then you can feel the 'whats' and deal with them)

Ok, they way you deal with cords is just like you would deal with cords on your stereo. You grab them and pull them out. You can use whichever image of cord you want (phono jack, electic cord, USB cable...) they all work. Feel for them and unplug them. While in a meditative state, think about your soon-to-be-x-girlfriend and see what shakras light up. Feel for it. Then feel the cord there and pull it out. Let it go back to the person at the other end. Especially look in your crown shakra. This is where you plug into someone to control them. And your heart... for obvious reasons :-p

Grounding Grounding is the most important thing you will ever learn. Imagine being blown around on a stormy day. Now imagine if you were a sumo wrestler. You are blown around less. Now imagine being connected to the ground. The ground helps you and holds you. You cannot be pushed over (quite literally, see martial arts training) This is grounding, and the storm is often on the emotional plane.

One way to visualize grounding. Sitting in your chair in a meditative state, imagine you are sitting on a large tree stump. (at least 3' in diameter) feel your root shakra connected to the tree and its root connect you deep into the earth.

Another way to visualize grounding. Imagine a cord connecting from your root shakra down down down to the center of the earth, where it weaves and ties in tight to the center of mother earth. This cord is pulled tight. You can feel it keeping you tied to the ground.
I have heard of people visualizing this cord as a crystal, as crystal energy, as a rope, as a steel cable, with bolts on each end... Choose something that works for you now (thats now, maybe something later will be better then)


Sorry for such a long post. But I hope this gives some ideas. Ask further if you like.


BuilderOfCastles

[jump]

yes, dont do it electrical way

[jump]

greengay u again :P

[nrochelle]

hmmm...do you want to be happy? are you happy now? will this relationship get any better? probably not.

i can be very empathic at times as well. another clairvoyant had to bring this to my attention. i would literally take in another person's essence and loose my flipping mind. sure, higher vibrations feel exhilirating, but what about the low...so draining, lethargic-i was either enraged or hysterical... i do understand.

sonia choquette (pretty cool psychic) suggests using the phrase "observe, don't absorb" witnesss the event (her sobbing and downing a bottle of remy martin), don't disconnect, take in what is happening, but drop your opinion...release your history with this woman...drop your thoughts...see her spirit, another being/soul 2 soul2/this might help...and remember she throws tantrums because they work. Say your piece. put the phone on silence. DON'T GET INVOLVED.

[Patryc]

good advice - Observe, don't absorb

I fall into that mistake sometimes although I am getting better at observing

[alchemy9]

Another one I've used is being surrounded by mirrors, where the mirrors face outwards. I've also used a big fat brick wall - this worked a treat.
Either that or you could make a sign that says No means No ..... ha,ha

[Transcend-dance]

Let's c ... How do I articulate this ... On the subject of pain, not our own, but reference the pain of others: Pain is good in that it provides growth for those it belongs 2. Let those in pain, HAVE their pain. It isn't ours 2 take. Accept that those who r feeling the pain r feeling adversity which in turn helps 2 steer them in the direction they r suppose 2 be going in ... provided they r true 2 themselves and r listening. The more lost they r, the more pain they will face. And what does not kill us ... does indeed ... make us stronger. We can only help those who r open 2 it. If she's in pain, its simply because she is has not learned 2 provide for herself something she found u could provide her with--which has merely enabled her 2 ... pardon the expression ... suck the life out of YOU. Let her have her cry. Let her feel whatever it is she needs 2 feel and know that its NOT YOUR FAULT. Develop and use those filters someone else was referring 2. I believe that the gift of empathy is meant 2 help those without vision ... but only when they welcome the enlightenment. When they don't and want 2 blame u, give it right back 2 them and back away. In essence, give them their growth .... It may not feel so great at the time, but u really r doing them a favor. And they may just thank u for it later.

More in layman's terms: Consider telling her ur sorry that it has 2 b this way but that she needs 2 deal with it and that its unfair of her 2 put it on u that way. Direct her 2 call one of her friends or just 2 tap in2 her support system and not 2 deal with it alone (if she's really THAT upset--which is where trusting ur instincts comes in handy). Don't be afraid 2 take care of YOU FIRST. For without YOU staying centered and healthy, how many people THEN would u really b able 2 help? Grow ur own garden first so u have an endless supply rather than letting others keep taking until there's nothing left. With the gift of empathy--it is so easy 2 not recognize this and whither away. Its good to honor, protect and respect ur gifts. Its not selfish 2 do that. Selfishness is defined as TAKING for ourselves at the expense of others. But nurturing thyself first so that more can b provided for later, does not qualify.

[Calibas]

You gotta cut the emotional cord that's attached to her.

As an empath, it's common to mirror other people. This works great when they're spreading Love, and not so great when they do things like panic. Empathy isn't something you turn on and off, what people call "shielding" is often just ignorance of the feelings. It may be difficult at first, but you can feel what others are feeling without it having any ill effects upon you. For example, she's afraid of you leaving and you know exactly what it feels like, so you can't bring yourself to leave her. There's a fear inside of you that her fear is playing off of. If you find it and let it go, you're no longer attached to it, and her fear wont bring up those emotions in you. These situations manifest for our growth, we often have to do what's uncomfortable for us to move beyond our limits.

[builderofcastles]

Over a year has gone by. And defensekid hasn't been on for a while.
I wonder how things played out with the girlfriend.

I hope defensekid is doing ok

BuilderOfCastles

[defensekid]

im still alive and kicking just dealing with a lot of personal shit. i have a new girlfriend now and we are doing great. its been 7 months. i will be making a presence more often now on the forum i hope.

[Sephish]

Good to hear! I've had a lot of girls like that... It's mad hard for me to shut off my empathy when I need to... I don't think I'll ever really get used to it...