Relationship and money drama

[Ishtarmagic]

My partner and I met online and moved in together on our first date. We both had the very same dream about a child with the same name, physical features and felt bonded to be with each other through this and the fact that we both felt peaceful, calm and trusting in each other's company amongst a few other psychic/auspicious things around us meeting that were special to us.
However, I was a single mum of 1 child and facing almost certain bankruptcy after a bad investment turned sour overnight (which I later avoided) but at the time...struggling, and he had experience with homelessness and abandonment from his ex-wife who sponsored him into Australia from USA and then took the opportunity to milk him dry of every cent and threaten to send him packing without ever seeing his child. (and after 10 years of migrating to Aus still does not have permenant residency, which was a shock, as I called our immigration department to get an update on his status, with his permission, and was told he had PR...but they made a mistake, so now we don't know what will happen there.) If you are not from Aus, don't bother trying to immigrate, it takes decades and it really stuffs your life around!

So, it's no surprise that we have money issues is it? We moved in too quickly, we got engaged after 18 months. He was only working part-time, then went full-time as a shift worker and we never saw each other, I got sick - forced to take 5 months of work and he paid for everything which I think he resents...we moved house yada-yada yada...as an aussie I can get govt benefits if I am unemployed - because yes, this country is incredibly generous at times, but he can't...seems to create further tensions, as to get the benefits they want all his details - he doesn't like dealing with government agencies here - as he is (sincerely, like so many migrants) scarred from the immigration experience - or lack of it.

We have different family morals - I have a big family that doesn't have boundaries from the peaceful, quite island of Tasmania - he was orphaned at the age of 3 and raised by his estranged grandmother whom he doesn't speak with, in some dodgy suburb of LA.

I am used to minimum wage being $20 + with old age savings added onto that, medical benefits and hospital treatment and all sorts of working conditions such as holiday loading and overtime pays etc, he is used to minimum wage american style of $6 per hour with none of that, and of course, has found himself a job that is illegal in so many ways...I even called the authorities and they urged him to report the owner - but at the obvious risk of his job. The authorities have told him that he will not be punished in any way for continuing to work there, but the employer, once caught out will owe him a lot of money. Obviously, he kept it all anonomys.

So yeah, we argue about money...day in day out. I earn more than him, but I have a child to raise also. I think he should look for a better job - he feels that I don't appreciate what he contributes. In Australia our higher education is paid for upfront and we pay it back once we work. He, as a migrant doesn't have access to this. Courses for him to study are way beyond our budget, and I guess in many ways we wait...wait for immigration.

But, we are nearly destroyed as partners. I don't know what to do. He thinks I have become a nagging bitch really, and I suppose I have. The simple concepts to me seem desperately hard to him. But, he doesn't tell me how much he earns, although I know, because we are forced to declare joint incomes and he has had to disclose it. He wants to pay half the rent and half the power bills and really nothing else. He says he has covered me while I was not working by paying the rent and for groceries. but I am offended that we can't join our salaries and work together towards a common goal for us both. He brought nothing with him when he moved in, he used my car everyday and while I was not working and without money - but to my horror, he didn't put oil in it and blew up a $6k engine. I now have no car but I am paying off the loan out of my salary. He bought a car outright which is registered in his name apparently so that my then pending bankruptcy didn't snatch it. He has paid for things in the past...he just seems to have dried up. He managed to save 1/3rd of his low income and covered us through a really tough time - but he didn't ever let me know where we were at...I didn't have a say in our priorities - he declared rent, power, food in that order. He also quit his job while I wasn't working which put more stress on us and didn't look for one for months as he was "completely depleted and deserved to rest". All the while I have a child in the relationship, and I have only just scraped through to get him christmas presents, enrolled in school - it's been a miracle that I made it.

Now my partner doesn't want to hear about ANY bills other than rent and power. Our washing machine stopped working and mostly got stuck hand washing work and school uniforms in a tub in the laundry daily due to the impracticality and expense of the laundromat - I felt like a failure to him, like I was a snob for needing a washing machine when my son and I wear white uniforms! It caused tension..on-going tension. Sometimes I think he hooked up with a hippy, because I am all things spiritual and indigo - but I am alternative. I don't live without a full-time job, a uniform and car insurance.

My sister says time to let it go.
I don't think that we want to use each other - but we are financially reliant all the same - I sure as hell can't survive without his share of the rent. And, although I have no idea as to what amount of money he has, I am sure he would be struggling to get a rental property, bond in advance and all the appropriate furnishings too, hence, his fear of homelessness if it really is the demise of our relationship.

What to do, what to think? I have been paying the maximum that I can manage, but as time is going along, I can see that I am capable of paying more, allowing him to save for his rainy days. Last time he had savings he put it back into the household by way of a car for us both to use and covering my expenses while I was out of work. If I want to marry this guy - maybe I need to put my money on the line. But I need those rainy day savings too, and I don't have it - except in him. It feels like a test.

I don't think I am a victim - I am an indigo afterall...I can sure be feisty. I can see this relationship for what it is...and I see how unhealthy aspects are. But I don't want to kill it through my righteousness either, and I have plenty of that. He is very independant, very stubborn, his numerology is 1 (solo), mine 3 (emotional)...so long blah...long blog.

help...anyone?

[crystallightwarrior]

I don't think I am a victim - I am an indigo afterall...I can sure be feisty.
help...anyone?

I don't think you are the victim either, I think you are the perpetrator. Being an indigo does not exclude you from being the perpetrator, hiding behind it is denial.

It is easy to sit from the comfort zone of government money and think that he should get a better job. Don't you think that those earning $6 want to get a better job? Or do you think they are just content scraping the barrel? The reality is that is all he can get. Be it the market, immigration or ex-wifes that is his situation, and I think it is a bit hypocritical that you go bankrupt, rely on state benefit and then point the finger. He does not have that comfort zone.

Let's assume he works 40 hours a week, that makes it $240 (40*$6) Compared to $800 minimum wage (40*$20). Too someone on $800,$100 is not that big a chunk of your take home pay. While for the guy on $240 that makes it nearly half of his money...a big chunk. So maybe you should put into perspective how much he gives compared to how much he earns and you will find that it is a far higher percentage of his income that goes towards the couple compared to the percentage you would put in.

Despite the fear of homelessness and his immigration status he is working hard in a sh***y job and manages to support you and your kid when you were not able. He does not resent helping you, he resents the fact that you do not appreciate his situation. He's given everything and you point the finger and say get a better job? You should be pointing your finger and saying thank you and offering your support while he is in a $6 an hour scenario.

[Ishtarmagic]

Yeah, but the thing is his current hourly rate is actually %25 higher than mine which he actually negotiated for - but he doesn't get any more than 20 hours a week and hasn't for 8 or 9 months now...so his income is quite low...and at the time when he supported me - he was earning the same that I earn now. I wasn't asking him to pay 75% of his salary while I pay less than 50%...I am not a cow, he earned enough to pay the bills and still managed to save $15k by not paying for things that he didn't want too like car maintenance! (he just didn't tell me that he had any money...and I stressed out of my brain because I had to buy shoes for my kid and couldn't!)

And, he has lived in Australia LEGALLY for nearly 8 years. He is fit and able and is LEGALLY allowed to work here.

If my job doesn't pay enough - I look for others, while I am still working - I would especially do this if I worked part -time.

Yes, he supported me while I was out of work - and no, I didn't go bankrupt (went close, but my health recovered and I applied for like, 20 jobs a week and got one after 5 months that didn't throw me back into hospital). I didn't get government handouts (although it is my right as an aussie tax payer to do so...this isn't america.) but, my fiance wouldn't disclose his income to the australian government (as he doesn't trust them, no other reasoning)...and we missed out, instead, I paid the rent by getting into a bit more dodgey credit...in my name only, of course.

But, over the entire time that we have been together, I have earned and spent more money than he has...and I don't see how having a chronic illness and a child in my full time care gives me any advantage to do so over a man who is the same age, fit, healthy and with similiar educational background as myself.

Yeah, I work full time - I have too, I have a child to support - and I have to repay some debts (including some of his!) He works part-time and pays for his share only. I put everything I earn on the table for the whole family. I don't think of just "covering my share" ...because my idea of family is not about the individual, it is about the whole.

You know whatever to your negative repsonse. I tried to delete this thread anyway, because I needed to off-load and I knew if I spoke to friends and family they would pressure me to leave him and I was not prepared to have that conversation, and I just needed an ear to lend...or a loving non-judgemental response. But, I have meditated, I have put away my anger and I am extending my love to him. I guess sub-consciously my body reacted and I got crazy sick and had to take a week off work...got time to think, and then he got sick and we were both on the lounge with our soup and we couldn't ignore the real issue in front of us.

I can't deny that I think a family is a whole unit and not individuals. I can't deny that I am not disappointed that he is not looking for a better job when we are under the poverty line. I can't deny that I am bored that his only attitude towards working is negative and apparently painful...no doubt due to hardships that he has experienced in his life.

Most of all I have stopped denying the pain I feel that he changed the rules...we started off sharing, now we support ourselves. When he moved in with me, I gave him money to start his own business - which he did, and I supplied the car, the home office and the home itself. I funded him. Then, he wrote of my car, got a part time job and told me he covers himself only!...it hurt.

I don't want his money. I want a union. I'd rather be broke together than rich alone.

I am trying to appreciate his situation...but I can't rationalise something that I don't understand. When I try to discuss it with him he basically tells me to shut up and that I expect too much, that I should accept that he will get a better job when he is ready and will not be pressured into it. His income covers rent and power. Life has MANY more expenses than that...I cover those other expenses that he believes are "luxuries"....ah...car insurance and maintenence? Vet bills for his dog?...

Despite my own financial limitations - I have offered to pay for him to do some study - but it angers him. Life is so much more than just making it through, in sufference. Life should be better for him! and I would like to be able to afford to go out and have a coffee with my husband to be, without him refusing to either buy it or have it bought for him.

I have taken the remedy of emersing myself in full love. Love and light to him. Love and light to me, and I have really come back to the truth of it all. His life hasn't been easy, my life hasn't been easy. We have struggled together, but I told him that I have no regrets at all, if we go our seperate ways so be it. I cherish all the things that we have done TOGETHER...all those things turned out beautifully!...Interesting money is where we don't work together - and yep, money is breaking us apart.

It doesn't matter if I am right or wrong. I want a shared life with him. If he can't be happy with that I can't expect him to pretend he is, nor can I pretend that I am happy being engaged to someone who gets angry when I discuss ANY alternative to keeping our earnings secret from one another, and I am dammed if I want to come home and highlight my produce on the shopping receipt with my husband to be! I like to cook a big family meal every night - I couldn't care less who paid for the friggin potatoes.

What will be will be.

[Ishtarmagic]

Oh, and just because I re-read your post... do you think that bankruptcy and a government hand out is a luxury?....Seriously? You didn't think that might be a dire situation for someone like myself?


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In the very least it would prevent me from working in the only industry that I am qualified for, and there's no way a hand out pays the rent and the power in the same month...I moved out of home at 16...never been back. There may be a safety net there, I agree, but it sure has some holes in it!

[leavingterra]

When my boyfriend and I got together we had two years of horrible financial problems that nearly destroyed the relationship. Thankfully, we got through it and are still together. While he was financially supporting me, I looked for work. I did find a job, though it paid badly. But I was severely ill and we were waiting for my disability benefits to go through so at least there was a light at the end of the tunnel. And when I got my back payment, I gave him a substantial amount of money and paid for several high-ticket items for him so we consider it an even outcome.
However your boyfriend sounds like he might just be a leech. If he can't get or even look for a better job to alleviate the stress, then it would seem he's taking advantage of you. I think you ought to seriously think about whether he is worth all this. If he's not even TRYING to find a better job....well...he sounds like HE is half of your stress. You can always get a roomate or a more affordable place to live. But you have to wonder if he's worth all this or if he's just using you.
It's a tough situation. I hope things work out for you. I'm keeping the light around you in my heart.
***HUGS***

[Ishtarmagic]

Yeah, good point.

It's really comforting to hear that you got through a bad financial patch with your partner...

Once I got a job, I paid a double rent payment accidently!! - and I don't know that I really considered that I should pay him back, I thought more about catching up with 'our' bills, like the registration on the car that we both use, the remainder I used for immediate expenses for my son. I thought that was adequate. If he was sleeping on the floor and didn't have a lounge suite I am sure he'd be working more...it just seems that he doesn't feel any need to earn more - he has what he needs.

It's really painful to process. I don't want to make excuses for him - because that is just too pathetic, of me. I don't want to dictate someone else's life either - and a flatmate would pay the same that he does now, which makes me question myself a great deal....? What am I am asking for...love money? The thing is anyone who knows me well ...and loves me understands that I have a wild temper. (not crazy psycho...just when I am angry it consumes me like a volcano and it rages until the problem is resolved)...he has been on the receiving end of this relentless anger on my part, because I am not peaceful until I have fixed whatever is wrong, could make me quite the control freak, huh?

A flatmate isn't a lover, and if a lover doesn't feel your pain, then who will? (please no christian responses to that - As a buddhist, I know Jesus is there, lol!)

Do I have to kick him out - does it make me weak if don't or a foolish if I do? Our home is only 2 bedroom - I'd have to move to get a flatmate and it could put my share of the rent up anyway. Plus, I have had pretty average results with flatmates in the past. Would you kick out your boyfriend because he worked part-time because you'd prefer he work full-time to make both your lives easier?

Is it acceptable to expect that we share? This is the first live-in relationship that I have ever been it...and I am so scared of getting it wrong.

I keep finding peace in being totally honest with my emotions...totally honest, because I have a long history of expressing myself through anger...I have a bad temper, and it's like right now I am learning to say to him - I am sad or lonely or disappointed...rather than just being hostile (we don't scream and shout, but it's tense.)

I want to see how he reacts to me being loving rather than hostile. Even if he knows that he could do better (and he isn't a bum of a guy, initially he told me how guilty and inadequate he felt when his hours got cut back)...my response was get a better one, then when he didn't look, I got angry.

I see he just lies to himself, that he actually believes that he doesn't need any more money - of course he does. I just don't want to be angry anymore...it isn't helping the situation.

I don't want to underestimate how debilitating anger can be when directed at a person. Maybe that is the pressure he feels - my anger...

[climbing]

I think everyone has these sort of problems to some degree. If crystalwarrior is an american some of the harshness of their post may have come from the fact that it is indeed more of a struggle here in America than some other places. You really can't live on minimum wage in America unless you're willing to live like I do... never buy anything, never care about material possessions, etc. (And I'm happy living like this, I don't care about money, just saying though).

The best way to not stress about money is to stop caring about money. Stop wanting anything and you will stop suffering. I really don't think you should break up over money. Sit down together and find out what you can do without, and then be happy anyway.

[Grounded Gifts]

Hi Ishtarmagic, sorry to read this thread and to see that things are not as good as you'd like. I really hope the way forward is smooth and full of good things.
Did you get my last visitor message and PM? If you're still having trouble sending and receiving PMs, maybe start a thread about it and ask for assistance/answers about why you suddenly can't send PMs.

[crystallightwarrior]

Yeah, but the thing is his current hourly rate is actually %25 higher than mine which he actually negotiated for - but he doesn't get any more than 20 hours a week and hasn't for 8 or 9 months now...so his income is quite low...and at the time when he supported me - he was earning the same that I earn now. I wasn't asking him to pay 75% of his salary while I pay less than 50%...I am not a cow, he earned enough to pay the bills and still managed to save $15k by not paying for things that he didn't want too like car maintenance! (he just didn't tell me that he had any money...and I stressed out of my brain because I had to buy shoes for my kid and couldn't!)

And, he has lived in Australia LEGALLY for nearly 8 years. He is fit and able and is LEGALLY allowed to work here.

If my job doesn't pay enough - I look for others, while I am still working - I would especially do this if I worked part -time.

Yes, he supported me while I was out of work - and no, I didn't go bankrupt (went close, but my health recovered and I applied for like, 20 jobs a week and got one after 5 months that didn't throw me back into hospital). I didn't get government handouts (although it is my right as an aussie tax payer to do so...this isn't america.) but, my fiance wouldn't disclose his income to the australian government (as he doesn't trust them, no other reasoning)...and we missed out, instead, I paid the rent by getting into a bit more dodgey credit...in my name only, of course.

But, over the entire time that we have been together, I have earned and spent more money than he has...and I don't see how having a chronic illness and a child in my full time care gives me any advantage to do so over a man who is the same age, fit, healthy and with similiar educational background as myself.

Yeah, I work full time - I have too, I have a child to support - and I have to repay some debts (including some of his!) He works part-time and pays for his share only. I put everything I earn on the table for the whole family. I don't think of just "covering my share" ...because my idea of family is not about the individual, it is about the whole.

You know whatever to your negative repsonse. I tried to delete this thread anyway, because I needed to off-load and I knew if I spoke to friends and family they would pressure me to leave him and I was not prepared to have that conversation, and I just needed an ear to lend...or a loving non-judgemental response. But, I have meditated, I have put away my anger and I am extending my love to him. I guess sub-consciously my body reacted and I got crazy sick and had to take a week off work...got time to think, and then he got sick and we were both on the lounge with our soup and we couldn't ignore the real issue in front of us.

I can't deny that I think a family is a whole unit and not individuals. I can't deny that I am not disappointed that he is not looking for a better job when we are under the poverty line. I can't deny that I am bored that his only attitude towards working is negative and apparently painful...no doubt due to hardships that he has experienced in his life.

Most of all I have stopped denying the pain I feel that he changed the rules...we started off sharing, now we support ourselves. When he moved in with me, I gave him money to start his own business - which he did, and I supplied the car, the home office and the home itself. I funded him. Then, he wrote of my car, got a part time job and told me he covers himself only!...it hurt.

I don't want his money. I want a union. I'd rather be broke together than rich alone.

I am trying to appreciate his situation...but I can't rationalise something that I don't understand. When I try to discuss it with him he basically tells me to shut up and that I expect too much, that I should accept that he will get a better job when he is ready and will not be pressured into it. His income covers rent and power. Life has MANY more expenses than that...I cover those other expenses that he believes are "luxuries"....ah...car insurance and maintenence? Vet bills for his dog?...

Despite my own financial limitations - I have offered to pay for him to do some study - but it angers him. Life is so much more than just making it through, in sufference. Life should be better for him! and I would like to be able to afford to go out and have a coffee with my husband to be, without him refusing to either buy it or have it bought for him.

I have taken the remedy of emersing myself in full love. Love and light to him. Love and light to me, and I have really come back to the truth of it all. His life hasn't been easy, my life hasn't been easy. We have struggled together, but I told him that I have no regrets at all, if we go our seperate ways so be it. I cherish all the things that we have done TOGETHER...all those things turned out beautifully!...Interesting money is where we don't work together - and yep, money is breaking us apart.

It doesn't matter if I am right or wrong. I want a shared life with him. If he can't be happy with that I can't expect him to pretend he is, nor can I pretend that I am happy being engaged to someone who gets angry when I discuss ANY alternative to keeping our earnings secret from one another, and I am dammed if I want to come home and highlight my produce on the shopping receipt with my husband to be! I like to cook a big family meal every night - I couldn't care less who paid for the friggin potatoes.

What will be will be.

I'm not going to go back and break down the discrepancies between the original post and your reply. You say that you don't know what happens with immigration then go on to say that everything is fine. At first you say that his job is illegal in many ways and then paint a different picture and yada, yada, yada.

My response was not intended to be negative, it was intended to be honest and based on the emotions of what was written and expressed. If you feel that my response was negative then that is no more than projection. Now let's forgo all that and move on, it was a while back and forums are a great place to let off steam.

One sentence that caught my attention is that you would rather be together and poor rather than alone and rich. That says it all.

You are creating a duality, where money and love are polar opposites, and as such you will manifest this reality. The universe is abundant. You can be together and rich, it's your reality, you create it, you manifest it.

Yes there are couples who have survived money problems, and there are couples who haven't. More and more couples though are having issues at the moment and that is a reflection of the current world economy. Before it was easy to cover up a bad relationship with money, now not so easy. As part of an awakening, you realise the futility of money.

It seems to me that there are many issues in this relationship. Try and think as to why your family feel that you should off load him? For the past however many months you have gone to your family to offload, and talked negatively about the relationship. Money this, and he doesn't do this and so on. Maybe you were just off loading, but your family have reacted to the negativity. You painted a negative picture of him and as a result they see him in a negative way.

For however many problems you feel he has, you have just as many and I say this in a positive way. I have my issues as well and being able to see the real you, warts n'all, and to love that person is a journey. Only few people, twin flames and soul mates have that ability.

You seem to expect him to behave in the same way that you would do when faced with problems, and you need to realise that this approach is wrong. He has his own path in life, and you need to appreciate this of not just him, but of every other soul on this planet including yourself. You need to respect this.

All I can do is wish you well. I would suggest sitting down and having a heart to heart with him and tell him that the relationship is on an edge, and give it 3-6 months to fix it together or go your own separate ways. You will have to accept your own flaws in this process. 2012 what a year!

If you look at the core of this issue you will find that the emotion that is running all of this is fear. You need to be fearless. It's one of the 12 aptitudes of mastery. G-d loves you both, embrace that love.