My partner and I met online and moved in together on our first date. We both had the very same dream about a child with the same name, physical features and felt bonded to be with each other through this and the fact that we both felt peaceful, calm and trusting in each other's company amongst a few other psychic/auspicious things around us meeting that were special to us.
However, I was a single mum of 1 child and facing almost certain bankruptcy after a bad investment turned sour overnight (which I later avoided) but at the time...struggling, and he had experience with homelessness and abandonment from his ex-wife who sponsored him into Australia from USA and then took the opportunity to milk him dry of every cent and threaten to send him packing without ever seeing his child. (and after 10 years of migrating to Aus still does not have permenant residency, which was a shock, as I called our immigration department to get an update on his status, with his permission, and was told he had PR...but they made a mistake, so now we don't know what will happen there.) If you are not from Aus, don't bother trying to immigrate, it takes decades and it really stuffs your life around!
So, it's no surprise that we have money issues is it? We moved in too quickly, we got engaged after 18 months. He was only working part-time, then went full-time as a shift worker and we never saw each other, I got sick - forced to take 5 months of work and he paid for everything which I think he resents...we moved house yada-yada yada...as an aussie I can get govt benefits if I am unemployed - because yes, this country is incredibly generous at times, but he can't...seems to create further tensions, as to get the benefits they want all his details - he doesn't like dealing with government agencies here - as he is (sincerely, like so many migrants) scarred from the immigration experience - or lack of it.
We have different family morals - I have a big family that doesn't have boundaries from the peaceful, quite island of Tasmania - he was orphaned at the age of 3 and raised by his estranged grandmother whom he doesn't speak with, in some dodgy suburb of LA.
I am used to minimum wage being $20 + with old age savings added onto that, medical benefits and hospital treatment and all sorts of working conditions such as holiday loading and overtime pays etc, he is used to minimum wage american style of $6 per hour with none of that, and of course, has found himself a job that is illegal in so many ways...I even called the authorities and they urged him to report the owner - but at the obvious risk of his job. The authorities have told him that he will not be punished in any way for continuing to work there, but the employer, once caught out will owe him a lot of money. Obviously, he kept it all anonomys.
So yeah, we argue about money...day in day out. I earn more than him, but I have a child to raise also. I think he should look for a better job - he feels that I don't appreciate what he contributes. In Australia our higher education is paid for upfront and we pay it back once we work. He, as a migrant doesn't have access to this. Courses for him to study are way beyond our budget, and I guess in many ways we wait...wait for immigration.
But, we are nearly destroyed as partners. I don't know what to do. He thinks I have become a nagging bitch really, and I suppose I have. The simple concepts to me seem desperately hard to him. But, he doesn't tell me how much he earns, although I know, because we are forced to declare joint incomes and he has had to disclose it. He wants to pay half the rent and half the power bills and really nothing else. He says he has covered me while I was not working by paying the rent and for groceries. but I am offended that we can't join our salaries and work together towards a common goal for us both. He brought nothing with him when he moved in, he used my car everyday and while I was not working and without money - but to my horror, he didn't put oil in it and blew up a $6k engine. I now have no car but I am paying off the loan out of my salary. He bought a car outright which is registered in his name apparently so that my then pending bankruptcy didn't snatch it. He has paid for things in the past...he just seems to have dried up. He managed to save 1/3rd of his low income and covered us through a really tough time - but he didn't ever let me know where we were at...I didn't have a say in our priorities - he declared rent, power, food in that order. He also quit his job while I wasn't working which put more stress on us and didn't look for one for months as he was "completely depleted and deserved to rest". All the while I have a child in the relationship, and I have only just scraped through to get him christmas presents, enrolled in school - it's been a miracle that I made it.
Now my partner doesn't want to hear about ANY bills other than rent and power. Our washing machine stopped working and mostly got stuck hand washing work and school uniforms in a tub in the laundry daily due to the impracticality and expense of the laundromat - I felt like a failure to him, like I was a snob for needing a washing machine when my son and I wear white uniforms! It caused tension..on-going tension. Sometimes I think he hooked up with a hippy, because I am all things spiritual and indigo - but I am alternative. I don't live without a full-time job, a uniform and car insurance.
My sister says time to let it go.
I don't think that we want to use each other - but we are financially reliant all the same - I sure as hell can't survive without his share of the rent. And, although I have no idea as to what amount of money he has, I am sure he would be struggling to get a rental property, bond in advance and all the appropriate furnishings too, hence, his fear of homelessness if it really is the demise of our relationship.
What to do, what to think? I have been paying the maximum that I can manage, but as time is going along, I can see that I am capable of paying more, allowing him to save for his rainy days. Last time he had savings he put it back into the household by way of a car for us both to use and covering my expenses while I was out of work. If I want to marry this guy - maybe I need to put my money on the line. But I need those rainy day savings too, and I don't have it - except in him. It feels like a test.
I don't think I am a victim - I am an indigo afterall...I can sure be feisty. I can see this relationship for what it is...and I see how unhealthy aspects are. But I don't want to kill it through my righteousness either, and I have plenty of that. He is very independant, very stubborn, his numerology is 1 (solo), mine 3 (emotional)...so long blah...long blog.