My apologies in advance for this being a long post, I have a lot on my mind.
Today I woke up in a good mood...the first day of spring! Not only an equinox but a new moon as well. My facebook post reflected my good mood. "Equinox and a new moon, what beautiful synchronicities". Synchronicities, the kind of thing only an indigo would get. I felt good. I've been doing Ashayana Deane mediations for months now and had just made a big step. I meditate daily, my conciousness and understanding has increased exponentially. I am finally ready to make contact with the Emerald Order. I feel quite proud that my frequency is high enough to be able to handle these meditations. When I walk around town I will pulse Maharic energy from my heart chakra and kids smile at me. Animals come up to me. Have I turned crystalline? Probably.
Close to my house there is a bit where 2 rivers meet. There is a little hidden peninsula. I used to go down there with my best friend and walk the dog, have a joint and relax. For a couple of years it was a great spot to go down to, we had many laughs, swims and built the odd bridge across, but my friend moved away a couple of months ago. Still close but not as easy as it used to be. It's a nice place, nature and running water. A few months ago we saw a woman on this little island of ours, we left her alone but we could tell there was something happening. A red head The next time we were over we noticed that she had left pagan signs. As if she used the place for a cleansing ritual. Anyway...I smiled and wondered if she was my twin flame. We went back to this island a month ago and she was still using it for her rituals. So I built a pentagram out of stones, and left her some wood. I don't know why. Today I decided to go to this spot, 11:11 am, that comforting sequence that always seems to manifest around me. The first day of spring and there I was in such a beautiful spot. Sun breaking in...I felt pretty good.
She wasn't there, that was not the point, though the romantic in me wanted it to be. She moved the stones about a little bit. I found it interesting. Life felt good. 2012 and the first day of spring, a new moon too, how beautiful. I want to meet my twin flame, I've wanted to meet her for such a long time. I'm ready for it mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It's been a journey, I see it now, and I am ready for a twin flame relationship. 8 years ago I had a really bad break up and I have never really been able to shake off the feelings from it. No matter how hard I tried I always found myself thinking of her. I can feel her. I've tried to break the ties. I want to move on but somehow I find myself thinking of her.
Sarah (not her real name) and I broke up nearly 8 years ago. She more or less told me that I was the worse person in the world and that I should never talk to her again because she would never talk to me. A promise that she has kept to this day. I was devastated. We had been together on and off for 4/5 years and I loved her with all of my heart, I was her best friend. A soul mate. She left town and I was made the villain.
Sarah was bi-polar, and at the time of the break up she had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as well. I realised after that in our relationship she was emotionally abusive, and that I was a victim. It took me years to recover from it but she had played a key role in the early days of my awakening. I was arrested on the 5th of November 2003 for assault and robbery. Five months later a court of law found me not guilty but it was enough for her family, who already did not like me, to force her to split up from me. Of all days though the 5th of November. Btw...that has been my only incident with the law.
As I walked home I passed close to her parent's house and thought how someone could be so cold. We were best friends, I didn't deserve that treatment. Not talk to me again? She had spent weeks in psychiatric hospitals were I was the only person who visited her, I was loving, caring, supportive. I looked at this park where we used to hide under the trees in the rain and make love, sit there talking. Why were all these memories flooding by?
I got home, started washing the dishes and looked out of the window onto the park in front of me. There she was. With her husband and 2 kids. Of all the parks in the world you had to chose this one? It's my backyard nearly. I stand at my top window and play guitar over looking the park. Fair enough it's just someone in a park, but still. When we split up she literally did not talk to me again. I tried phoning her, part of me wanted to section her but I had few rights. Within a week she had changed her number and had left town. She had told her 'friends', who were my friends and I had introduced them 5 weeks prior, her number and told them not to give it to me as if she was a victim.
I went crazy and I am not proud of this. I had to phone her parents to deal with car insurance bills and so on, she still would not talk to me, so I kept phoning. Now she had a reason to brake up with me. I was a stalker. I wanted to section her. One minute it's love the next I am worthless. She moved town, within 6 weeks had met another guy. I threw up.
Every now and again over the years I would see if she appeared online but nothing. I found out she had married the rebound guy and had a daughter. At some point I found her number and I phoned her up. Asked her to confirm her name, said thank you and hung up. I know she knew it was me. Not a proud moment.
One day I was at a shop and saw this guy. I read his aura, he had a Sarah vibe about him. Shoulders down, I could tell he was emotionally drained. I smiled to myself, remembering that once I felt like that. In an emotionally abusive relationship. I sent him some love. It was only when I was outside and saw him get into a car that I realised that he was the rebound guy.
I never saw Sarah for years. Until at some point last year. I saw her out of the corner of my eye while I was driving home. I saw her go into a supermarket so I followed. I just wanted to see if it was her. It was and she had a pram. She blanked me. I figured she had a kid and was staying with her parents while she recovered, being bi-polar n'all. As far as my cyber stalking skills suggested she was still living in a different town.
I didn't see her for another year or so, until christmas. I was at a supermarket out of town, looked up and she was at the check out next to me. She blanked me again. My day was so chaotic, delayed appointments, xmas rush, I was 3 hours late on when I wanted to be there. I smiled at the synchronicity that would bring us together. She had an indigo jacket on, and it made me smile. She is an indigo. I knew. I didn't at the time, but now I did. It left me a little uneasy, because I know her husband is not an indigo. At the time of the break up I was more spiritually advanced, and I have grown even more since, so I imagined it would have been quite difficult for her as an indigo with a non indigo relationship. The rebound guy was just that rebound, and now she is trapped in a relationship.
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A few months ago I was at an atm for some cash. My phone rang but by the time I got to it I had missed it. I had no credit in my phone and I really had to talk to my best friend. I decided not to go to the supermarket and instead drive to a payphone and phone him from there. As soon as I drive out of the supermarket the phone goes and it's him. So I park the car and have a chat. I looked out of my rear view mirror to see her drive into the supermarket car park, get out out of the car and walk towards me and into the vet's where I was parked. I felt weird. I was there on my own business, thinking of my own stuff, and now I felt like a stalker. Wow...
I figured she was still living with her parents. Every now and again though I would see her car parked outside a house on a street close to mine. I thought it was the child minder. Once a week on a tuesday I would see the car. Every now and again I would see her sister in the park opposite my house, with the Sarah's two daughters. She also moved town and married, I figured she was there for the holidays. It happened to be a tuesday and she was helping out her by taking the daughters home.
I was really surprised to see Sarah in the park today. With our history I would have thought that it was quite bold to do so. We have a lot of history in that park. She has parks closer to home but I felt fair enough I can understand why. Kids see the swings, it's close to the childminders anyway how can you say no? Even if it probably feels horrible that you are on display for your stalker ex. You bite the bullet.
Well, I have since found out that it's not the childminder, but she lives there. She has moved about 100ft away from me. I can not believe it. Part of me wants to cry. I find myself that I ask my twin flame to manifest and Sarah appears. The person I have been trying to get out of my head for years manifests instead. Or is she my twin flame? Is that why the connection isn't broken. But she is married and I can not interfere with that. First she would have to finish the relationship then I would consider. Instead she lives 5 doors down from me, where I have lived for 18 years. Of all the places to move to.
The thing is when I saw the two together I know they are not right together, but it's also heart breaking seeing the girl you once loved bring up a family right under your nose. What if she is my twin flame all along? I can not interfere in her relationship. If my empath skills are correct she is not happy in the relationship. I can not see her like this everyday. Ahhhh....