Help with getting over a divorce

[LordMFA]

Hey dudes and dudettes, what's up, Naka here (for short). I'm a couple years after a divorce back in 2010, and I thought I was over it the day she said "I don't want to be married to you anymore." Well, that was me shoving my emotions into a little box and burying it six feet deep within my subconscious. I should probably be visiting a psychiatrist or psychotherapist, but maybe out of sheer stubbornness, I try to auto-diagnose myself. Well, I might suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the divorce. I was still in love with her, and the words sliced through my soul like a fire-hot knife through butter.

And I thought it was just another argument. I thought my intuition was good. Apparently I never knew how to make her happy. Apparently. And apparently I was the only one who didn't know. Apparently so. Well I am in my forties now and needing to get over my "issues" before I can move on with life. I am a professional in my working life, yet I harbor this pain in my personal, private (myself), world. I have no one to share this with. My family was always private like this, and I do not share this even with my own mother.

It is somewhat odd then, that I am able to share this here, openly and publicly in a public forum such as this. Hah, it's because I don't know you, and you obviously do not know me. So that, no offense, but the reason I am able to open up to you is because I don't know you at all! and the reason I trust your advice, is because you will value it for its message and not who I am! This is the intrinsic beauty, in my opinion, of the internet-- that we can be whoever we want to be and get advice in this fashion like never before.

This issue is one I was not even able to admit to myself last year-- that I am still hurting from my ex-wife. When I think of her image in my mind, I feel a sharp acute heartpain. It actually hurts, like a heart-attack. Not that I would know what a heart attack feels like. Well the other forums I registered for, one was a depression forum and the other was another spiritual forum, they have not really been what I have been looking for.

Funny enough, I do relate a bit about the characteristics of the Indigo "child" as they say, but I am a forty-something year old man and that stuff is not relevant to my life's purpose now; I am ready to do good for the world, maybe find a wife, get married, have kids.

I refuse, however, to suck a woman into my world if my own mind I do not even understand. So I have laid it all out there, if you have any intuition or insight into how I can heal my mind, how I can get rid of the admitted repressed anger and rage I feel, this is the anger that makes me want to drink my troubles away every day; I have denied my hateful feelings towards her for so long, and now I have recognized it, past the process of denial, and I want to get better now. Please, if there is someone here, who hears me, and understands the pain I feel, I want to hear from you dearly.

[problematique]

why do you say you hate her?

[silvercharm]

the more you denied your feelings, the more you can't get over it.

[LordMFA]

p.s. I don't mind getting advices from people who have never been married, young or old is fine with me, just to be clear, I won't get mad at your perspectives; I want to hear it all

problematique, I "hate" her in my own way because she denied my feelings throughout the whole relationship. I think I was actually right all along, but she had even me believing otherwise;

silvercharm, thank you, I am in agreement with your comment.

[problematique]

problematique, I "hate" her in my own way because she denied my feelings throughout the whole relationship. I think I was actually right all along, but she had even me believing otherwise;

hate is such a strong word.

how did she deny your feelings?

[silvercharm]

you can't push someone to be a person that you want.
you can't push someone to trust you.

i think you do understand yourself
you just confuse because of the experienced with your ex-wife.

i think that you should find another woman to get over your pains with your ex-wife.
i think that because you're still alone now, that's why you can't forgive your ex-wife.

you need to release your pains, it's good to share your pains by talking to someone like now.
exercises is somewhat helpful too, the best way to run is to keep yourself busy.
but it means nothing if you try to run from your problems, you have to face it and solve it.


i don't know, i'm younger and never been married before -__-

[LordMFA]

you can't push someone to be a person that you want.
you can't push someone to trust you.

i think you do understand yourself
you just confuse because of the experienced with your ex-wife.

i think that you should find another woman to get over your pains with your ex-wife.
i think that because you're still alone now, that's why you can't forgive your ex-wife.

you need to release your pains, it's good to share your pains by talking to someone like now.
exercises is somewhat helpful too, the best way to run is to keep yourself busy.
but it means nothing if you try to run from your problems, you have to face it and solve it.


i don't know, i'm younger and never been married before -__-

well I appreciate your intent to help but your inexperience is evidenced in you surface-glazing superficial advice; I do appreciate your attempt to help, and I mention attempt purposefully because that is all you accomplish, and by no means to I mean to offend, but your superficial insincere advice is only a reflection of exactly what I told you in my original post;

secondly, you use words meant to evoke insecurities; what's with the use of "alone"-- did I use that term? I mere insinuated that, and you now drive the nail in fhe coffin, why don't you pay attention to the words you use and the prevailing thoughts pervading your own brain.

What makes you think I don't exercise?

I am not running, and facing my problem head-on by asking the community. You are starting to get irritating.

I changed my mind, if you have no long-term relationship EXPERIENCE, I would prefer you not to respond.

[LordMFA]

hate is such a strong word.

how did she deny your feelings?

she always made me feel like a pervert and straight up just called me "pervert," i am actually verr open-minded in all aspects, yet she makes it appear as though i can never make up my mind, gets mad at me for the very things that make me unique and that she should treasure about me, and i ate my words always because i always protected her emotions, at the expense of mine, oh well

[silvercharm]

well I appreciate your intent to help but your inexperience is evidenced in you surface-glazing superficial advice; I do appreciate your attempt to help, and I mention attempt purposefully because that is all you accomplish, and by no means to I mean to offend, but your superficial insincere advice is only a reflection of exactly what I told you in my original post;

p.s. I don't mind getting advices from people who have never been married, young or old is fine with me, just to be clear, I won't get mad at your perspectives; I want to hear it all

hmmm, you reminds me of my friend...he's mad at me today.
maybe it's true that my heart shaped like a box

secondly, you use words meant to evoke insecurities; what's with the use of "alone"-- did I use that term? I mere insinuated that, and you now drive the nail in fhe coffin, why don't you pay attention to the words you use and the prevailing thoughts pervading your own brain.

What makes you think I don't exercise?

I am not running, and facing my problem head-on by asking the community. You are starting to get irritating.

I changed my mind, if you have no long-term relationship EXPERIENCE, I would prefer you not to respond.

okay, this is my last respond then.

you have rights to judge me superficial and insincere anyway
everyone has their own opinions, thoughts, and beliefs..
but the decisions are yours

I'm sorry if you feel insulted.

[problematique]

she always made me feel like a pervert and straight up just called me "pervert," i am actually verr open-minded in all aspects, yet she makes it appear as though i can never make up my mind, gets mad at me for the very things that make me unique and that she should treasure about me, and i ate my words always because i always protected her emotions, at the expense of mine, oh well

sounds like you were incompatible in some aspects. as I'm sure you know, when you spend a number of years with another person, you learn a great deal about each other, including what makes you different from each other. you seem to resent not being able to express yourself sexually and emotionally. rather than feeling bitter, be grateful that you didn't waste another 5-10 years repressing your true self. the lesson is about being honest and not expecting others to read your mind.

[LordMFA]

[...]okay, this is my last respond then.[...]

why didn't you just STFU and make the previous response the last one?

you love to get the last jab in then retreat never to be found, WEAK!

get the F outta here little girl and learn how to argue before you speak this way to an adult

I'm sorry if you feel insulted.

just like my ex! now it's my fault that I feel insulted? why don't you take some responsibility for YOU MAKING ME feel insulted; I don't give a rat's behind about your intentions, you made me feel a certain way and you can't take responsibility for it; whatever, go make that your last response and retreat like a little kid, how old are you anyways? and how many relationships have you been in to be giving me advice on my failed marriage?

[problematique]

why didn't you just STFU and make the previous response the last one?

you love to get the last jab in then retreat never to be found, WEAK!

get the F outta here little girl and learn how to argue before you speak this way to an adult





just like my ex! now it's my fault that I feel insulted? why don't you take some responsibility for YOU MAKING ME feel insulted; I don't give a rat's behind about your intentions, you made me feel a certain way and you can't take responsibility for it; whatever, go make that your last response and retreat like a little kid, how old are you anyways? and how many relationships have you been in to be giving me advice on my failed marriage?

I imagine this kind of behavior is also why she left you.

[LordMFA]

sounds like you were incompatible in some aspects. as I'm sure you know, when you spend a number of years with another person, you learn a great deal about each other, including what makes you different from each other. you seem to resent not being able to express yourself sexually and emotionally. rather than feeling bitter, be grateful that you didn't waste another 5-10 years repressing your true self. the lesson is about being honest and not expecting others to read your mind.

yes, I have tried positive thinking and it's not working for me; I've grown a lot out of this situation, but I cannot deny that I hate her for being who she is/was-- while she turned me into a pile of crap; to deny that I still hate her does me no good; who cares if I can say "at least I got out early"; it doesn't change I harbor resentment that I cannot get rid of; I really am unable to forgive her;

[LordMFA]

I imagine this kind of behavior is also why she left you.

and how so have your most recent relationships gone for you to react in this manner?


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[problematique]

yes, I have tried positive thinking and it's not working for me; I've grown a lot out of this situation, but I cannot deny that I hate her for being who she is/was-- while she turned me into a pile of crap; to deny that I still hate her does me no good; who cares if I can say "at least I got out early"; it doesn't change I harbor resentment that I cannot get rid of; I really am unable to forgive her;

it's normal to be angry when things we put our energy into don't work out. you say you can't forgive her, but I'd suggest you are actually pissed at yourself; you said you saw the signs, why didn't you leave? perhaps you aren't happy about your own lack of contribution and you are projecting this frustration at her? perhaps you should begin by forgiving yourself.

[silvercharm]

why didn't you just STFU and make the previous response the last one?

you love to get the last jab in then retreat never to be found, WEAK!

get the F outta here little girl and learn how to argue before you speak this way to an adult

okay, seems like you don't want me to go

just like my ex! now it's my fault that I feel insulted? why don't you take some responsibility for YOU MAKING ME feel insulted; I don't give a rat's behind about your intentions, you made me feel a certain way and you can't take responsibility for it; whatever, go make that your last response and retreat like a little kid, how old are you anyways? and how many relationships have you been in to be giving me advice on my failed marriage?

you must be really love her, that's why every female who cares about you resemble your ex.

i'm just few years younger than you, never been married but i'd been in 12 relationships before, now it's the 13th...but i kind of afraid to admit him as my bf because some family problems.

[problematique]

and how so have your most recent relationships gone for you to react in this manner?

I ended a ten year relationship last year, being verbally abused was one of the reasons.
it isn't necessary to speak like that-- especially to someone you claim you love.

[LordMFA]

it's normal to be angry when things we put our energy into don't work out. you say you can't forgive her, but I'd suggest you are actually pissed at yourself; you said you saw the signs, why didn't you leave? perhaps you aren't happy about your own lack of contribution and you are projecting this frustration at her? perhaps you should begin by forgiving yourself.

and perhaps you are leading the witness

perhaps you have made 3 suggestions of a possible 99 other things it could be...

perhaps I cared more about keeping her happy than expressing to her all her flaws and insecurities

perhaps I was perfect and she was flawed, but I took all her negative baggage in order to heal her

perhaps I was aware all along and got destroyed along the way

perhaps perhaps per fukking haps.

[Lion Lady]

So I have advice and I hope it helps. Stop saying you hate her for one, this is going to be something that makes you much stronger and will expand your mind from learning from it. Be grateful I know that can be hard right now, you will see what I mean in the future. I would say don't go see a psychotherapist or therapist. It's really up to you though, but I have had therapists tell me (I never go to them or get help from them and the ones I encountered know this so they shared clientele and business secrets with me that I don't agree with) but they have admitted that they get to know the person mentally and emotionally and when they see their client getting over whatever the issue was they find a way to say something to make you get emotional and crazy over it again so you keep going back. I don't know if all do this but I know a lot probably do. For the money. So after saying that here is my own advice I am no therapist but I work with people a lot who have issues and they come to me to vent and gather advice. Here is my advice: (remember it takes time but be confident and know you will be able to overcome many things after your over this) 1. Don't drink the pain away, it just makes it stronger and you will feel shitty.. 2. Forgive yourself, there is a reason for everything, if your confused on whether you did wrong or not, you didn't, everything happens for a reason so forgive yourself don't over contemplate what went wrong. 3. Cleanse and shield daily (ask me how if you don't know) 4. Find something you like that takes you out of your routine of your daily life that inspires you (this helps bring the new rebirthed you, and let's old things die and be recycled) 5. Read the four agreements, it has helped a lot of people I know get through a divorce or break up, or loss of friend 6. Cut all cord. There are many ways of doing this but sshenry said a way that is simple and I like it better than most. I'll explain the cords. Every person you meet and see, a peice of you stays with them until you cut the cord. Cut the cord with all who you don't talk to anymore and cut the cord with your ex wife because part of why you feel this way is because a part of you is attached to her, cut that cord. What you do is just meditate, silence your mind, every thought that comes don't respond to it let it pass by. Then feel your solar plexus. Imagine a bright light in a form of a ball and it has all these cords coming off of it.. those are attached to all the people you communicate with, don't communicate with anymore, old friends, random people you see on the street. Gently reel the cords that shouldn't be attached to anyone. One by one. Pick a cord figure out who it is attached to, reel it in if you don't talk to them, or you have separated... Keep the ones that are attached to people you have good relations with still. Reel it all back into your solar plexus....

And another thing that you can try.. you can do all of those too, but another thing is everytime you feel emotional towards her or angry just choose a color you love, put that emotional energy into that color (imagining it) wash it let it dissipate and put loving happy energy into it. Make a habit of doing that. It is part of transmuting yourself into healing instead of stress.

[LordMFA]

I ended a ten year relationship last year, being verbally abused was one of the reasons.
it isn't necessary to speak like that-- especially to someone you claim you love.

what!? that little kid comes here giving me insincere advice with no experience and then ducks out like a scaredy cat and you're calling me abusive? get your head checked; your past abuse is shaping the way you see the world hun