Hey dudes and dudettes, what's up, Naka here (for short). I'm a couple years after a divorce back in 2010, and I thought I was over it the day she said "I don't want to be married to you anymore." Well, that was me shoving my emotions into a little box and burying it six feet deep within my subconscious. I should probably be visiting a psychiatrist or psychotherapist, but maybe out of sheer stubbornness, I try to auto-diagnose myself. Well, I might suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the divorce. I was still in love with her, and the words sliced through my soul like a fire-hot knife through butter.
And I thought it was just another argument. I thought my intuition was good. Apparently I never knew how to make her happy. Apparently. And apparently I was the only one who didn't know. Apparently so. Well I am in my forties now and needing to get over my "issues" before I can move on with life. I am a professional in my working life, yet I harbor this pain in my personal, private (myself), world. I have no one to share this with. My family was always private like this, and I do not share this even with my own mother.
It is somewhat odd then, that I am able to share this here, openly and publicly in a public forum such as this. Hah, it's because I don't know you, and you obviously do not know me. So that, no offense, but the reason I am able to open up to you is because I don't know you at all! and the reason I trust your advice, is because you will value it for its message and not who I am! This is the intrinsic beauty, in my opinion, of the internet-- that we can be whoever we want to be and get advice in this fashion like never before.
This issue is one I was not even able to admit to myself last year-- that I am still hurting from my ex-wife. When I think of her image in my mind, I feel a sharp acute heartpain. It actually hurts, like a heart-attack. Not that I would know what a heart attack feels like. Well the other forums I registered for, one was a depression forum and the other was another spiritual forum, they have not really been what I have been looking for.
Funny enough, I do relate a bit about the characteristics of the Indigo "child" as they say, but I am a forty-something year old man and that stuff is not relevant to my life's purpose now; I am ready to do good for the world, maybe find a wife, get married, have kids.
I refuse, however, to suck a woman into my world if my own mind I do not even understand. So I have laid it all out there, if you have any intuition or insight into how I can heal my mind, how I can get rid of the admitted repressed anger and rage I feel, this is the anger that makes me want to drink my troubles away every day; I have denied my hateful feelings towards her for so long, and now I have recognized it, past the process of denial, and I want to get better now. Please, if there is someone here, who hears me, and understands the pain I feel, I want to hear from you dearly.