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could you help me with this relationship-advice

«  » by MIRIAM
Hello, Id like to get some advice,please, it might be a bit long to explain,so that you can understand,so please have some patience with me. I would very much appreciate, if anyone would like to give their take on it and possibly some advice,please.

I met my soulmate/twinflame(we believe it is with many signs pointing to it) online and started an online relationship for ten months. Living in different countries, though not far from eachothers countries.
we became close, very close, experiencing all classical signs of soulmates and or twinflame signs.
Strong love, but not that "in-love"-feeling. More spiritually. We believe the same things spiritually as well. He awoke some years ago,I woke up much earlier, which can be hard for him. I also experience more,where he doesnt. Everythings new to him,even though hes had some.
Weve had arguements and misunderstandings, also when we met,weve met twice so far. it took long time before we met. All were fantastic,and we acted much like we were a couple in every way and the love was strong. we happened to be too close too fast,something we both regret,though,which made him reluctant to be close and touch me the last time. We talked and he opened up again,but still reluctant,especiallly since weve argued as well. he also told me about abuse hes went through,on all levels,mentally,physically,emotionally and sexually. we talked alot about that and hes agreed on looking for help,and I support him etc. everythings fine there. (were both starborn by the way) he also told me his reluctance was also as much because of the abuse.
Thing is even when weve talked it out and all is fine, he first acted like were a couple in every way,then kinda taking it back with his actions until we got it straight,then when we got it straight, he still is reluctant,a bit distant,even though touching me again etc,but not just as much. one time,before we got things sorted out,he called me FRIEND a couple of times,and that hes not seeking a partner,that happened in a convo where he was looking after a therapist,and the box for family,friends,partners etc came up.
but it happened before we "made up",so to speak. but anyway. and that he doesnt touch me just as much even though hes doing it. another time,also before we made up, he said he wants to take it reeaally slow with me, and go very slowly forward. I dont know if this last has something to do with that,or if he is too confused, or really doesnt want me the same way before?
he also cant feel as strongly as I can, with the twin thing and our energies,but he does feel somethings there.
Is all this the abuse affecting him?
Im hanging in a vacum,where im not the other thing or the other.
hes also broke up with his x not long time ago,but it was right when we start to get to know eachother.
he talks about moving in with me. all for spiritual reasons mainly.
Do you get any sense out of this?
thank you for your time and help,MIRIAM
MIRIAM
 
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A simple possibility is that maybe he just doesn't love you as much as you love him. It sounds a bit to me like the twin flame thing is wishful thinking. When you give a relationship a label like that, those involved will come to expect more from it, and if they're not getting it, will assume something is wrong with them, because the relationship doesn't meet those expectations. People will stay in a relationship trying and trying to make it work for no reason other than they think it should because of their arbitrary definitions.

I don't want to seem harsh, but "twin flame" is not a term to be used lightly, and once applied, should not be assumed as being correct or binding.

That being said, my advice for you is to just let him take the lead for now, but without pressure or expectations. He and you are both free to feel whatever you do in regards to the relationship and with patience and acceptance he can learn if this hesitance is the result of his abuse, a lack of feelings for you, or some combination of both.
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Lynx
 
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well i can't speak for him, but as it is the second thread i see in short time that someone tell that the guy is telling that he want to take it slow, and etc, honnestly i can somewhat understand this lol :) so well i can't speak for him, but i've found myself telling this, or wanting to tell this, well somewhere for me, it is like yeah sometime girl put too much importance in categorising a relation etc, and in the end, i try to analyse what does it change that partner, friend , girlfriend, twinflame, etc in the end , the only thing it change is that in free relation, like 'just friend', the girl will not be like calling you 5 time a day, if you don't want to see her, you don't see her, if you want to get drunk with some friend you get drunk, and when there is a set up relation, it is like once you disagree it will be like ho you don't love me, blabla, or i'll have to justify for 3h for a yes or no about stupid things, it is true somewhere it is always why i say i want to take it slow and not getting too much into officalising or formalising a relation, when you look at it, it is only constraints lol but i'm not speaking about fideality or what, this is still another thing, but it is true that often, telling ok i'm your bf, or twin flame or whatever, it imply a whole lot of thing that are rather annoying somewhere lol :D i don't know if it is linked with abuse, being vitcim of abuse or such might make him even less able to really affirm himself or such, and then being into a twin flame relation, it is like everything has to be all pink and with butterflies and such, and so once you start to somekind of get away from the perfect love, it imply like breaking the contract or something, i dunno, i feel kinda unconfortable with this kind of stuff now lol now that i can analyse better, it is like i more look for some girl who already has a life, who is not like desperate or soething to have a boyfriend or a twin flamme or wathaver she want me to be or something, and that she is already happy like in her current state of life, otherwise it is really bothering to have to act this or that way to fillfull the twinflame idealism, even boyfriend sometime it imply things that i don't always really sure i want to agree like that lol or otherwisea fter once i tell something it is like ho you lied , or ho you shouldn't act like that, and like the girl will be all disapointed and sad and stuff, and then i'll have to justify for 3h for why i say this or such LOL :D

well i know i'll be hard to marry with such a mentality but well :) i'm not specially eager to get married either :D :D honnestly when i see al my friend who are in long term relationship or married, when they ask if i have a girl friend and i say no they all say ho you are lucky lol :)

not but well yes, don't try to put label and idealize relation like that i mean it is not sane, and you'll always be disapointed at some point in the relation if you keep idealising and try to label relation in this way, honnestly what does it change if he want to marry you tomorow or just want to keep in a free relation with you or even just being close/intimate friend with sex ? :D just ask yourself the question, of what it imply for him he accept the box you put on him that you are twin flamme :)

well just saying :D :D not sure it really mean anything but as i saw this two time on the forum in a day or so, i felt i wanted to tell this somewhere cause i often want to tell this, or feel like this and i don't know why you ask why he might feel like this lol :D and the nit looks like akward or like i'm afraid or such, but it is not really it lol well somewhere i prefer the girl to think like this than explaining all the stuff but well .. :D


but well it doesn't mean that i don't care or not in love, or i'm not romantic or such, but it is true sometime it can be become bit intrusive or overhelming lol :D
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Everytime I try to cuddle when were sleeping he tells me his arm or whatever hurt, that I got a heavy arm or whatever, if I tell him that he could always hugh me before without problems(after a while he took it away though "because it hurts")we come into arguement about my percieved rejection. he does touch me more,than he did when I wrote this, but still reluctant, he tells me he loves me to bits, talks about spiritual love etc, so I dont think its not that he doesnt love me, he talks about going home get himself healed and therapy and then well get together,then he can "feel me more"when our spirits radiate "because hes healed and delt with his stuff",and then well do everything weve planned etc,that hes ready to it etc just needs this first etc, that he doesnt reject me etc- what am i suppose to think?
yeah,all the signs for twinflames there, and no,Ive never really cared about labels,either. Its just they are there,right.
I just want to know where we stand,thats all, and he doesnt seem like he can tell me,and am i suppose to wait on that forever? Right now I dont know where I stand, I dont care what we call it, I just want to know what to expect. Im trying to figure him out. Im really thinking that maybe I should just give it up,the whole thing and get on with another? Its just the soul cant,youve merged at soul level,hes in me, its like trying to take something away that blend with your own you. How do you do that by the way?


I know he needs help and counseling for his abusive past,its clear,and its also clear that it would stop us and weve talked about that.
MIRIAM
 
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He also told me that its hard for him too when hes going home again etc, he still hugh and kiss me etc but still.. I dont know what to think about him anymore,just dont want to throw something out that IS something either.. yeah he claim to love me spiritually beyond words. I just find his behavior strange. from what it was before,til now. it was him talking about moving,not me. ive never said anything,and still is. actually i tried to push it. after all weve known eachother ten months and met twice for 3 weeks periode. maybe thats what is the problem?
is this guy just playing me? because if he is,im on.
MIRIAM
 
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Maybe he does love you, but that doesn't necessarily mean he is in love.
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Lynx
 
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In love, I view that as something thats in the beginning of a relationship and transforms to love as time goes by and as long as 10 months and almost 2 months irl weve known eachother,it should be done by now.. I do not believe in an "in love feeling" all way through. Thats not realistic. It should be transformed.
MIRIAM
 
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Then the entire thing is subjective and moot.

The way I view, is that I love my sister, and my friends, and my dog. "Being in love" is a state of being in which you exist with someone else that changes something inside you. All emotions are capable within this. It's something you are in, and something around you, something sort of external first, and then internal, as opposed to the feeling of love, which is something that is inside of you first and is only one emotion.

Regardless of our personal definitions, I stand by my original advice.
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Lynx
 
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Miriam you are obsessed. Nothing I say will change what you will do. Nothing I advise you will make any difference to how intensely attached to getting what you want from him. Not only are you chemically addicted to this relationship you are deceiving yourself into hoping that he will eventually wake up and realize that you are the love of his life and he must forever live to make you happy. That isn't going to happen.
I'll throw out some advice anyway.

Stop waiting for him to make you happy. In fact stop waiting for anyone but yourself to make you happy. Just go be happy.

If it feels off, wrong, or even uncomfortable it is wrong. Drop it and walk away. Go do something fun like play at a water park, hike or eat cheese cake.

You are fine and perfect just as you are. Enjoy that feeling for god sake. Stop trying to define your personal value by what man loves you. You are valuable just as yourself. Your boyfriend sounds like a whiny loser who uses his past to manipulate you and get attention without giving you any kind of emotional commitment or support. Fuck him, get over him and get on with your awesomeness.

Or just keep stalking him in hopes he might give in and play house with you. You deserve better than this and I think you know it. Your twin flame would never be this much aggravation or resistant.
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Indigo Dog
 
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dont take this advice the wrong way, as its not meant to be offensive in any way,
men are simple creatures god help us, id say that as yee were so excited to see one another, yee jumped in too soon, and all men love the challenge of the waiting game, its the wait that draws us again and again, so yee jumped in feet first, to get things back to a balence, pretend that you have lost interest in him, and that you cant be bothered, so he will have something to fight for again, ya have to give a man something to fight for, or we feel useless,

if your over interested he will lose interest, ya were mad creatures !!! keep him a little interested and show him little signs of interest but nothing major and he will run back,
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Good day Miriam

I hate this subject. It is so entwined with misinformation, half truths and
heart strings. You have been sold a bill of goods, and have swallowed it
all whole heartily. You wanted IT so much, you are willing to pull the wool
over your eyes. Love makes you blind; that's what they say, but it is more
exact to say, Your love of love, has made you blind to that you do not have what you wanted.

Soul mates, like you think of it, does not exist.
It does not mean that soul mates do not exist, but your understanding of
what 'soul mates' means is self destructive and WILL destroy you.

So, since I cannot really help you with this current relationship, I will try to
advice you on what 'relationship' means. This is information from the highest,
most spiritual, most in love couple I have ever met. And they do not believe
in the term 'soul mates'


Lets take this understanding to a far bigger picture.
Your understanding of 'Soul Mate' says one other person, one life.
However, right now, you are living many other lives. Many parallel lives, many
probable lives, and many other lives in other times and places. Each one of
these lives has relationships involved in them. If you think that one other being
is in all of those lives, with you in all paths, in all choices, in all decisions,
then you do not have even the smallest picture of who you are.

In this lifetime, in this aspect of you, there are many (possible) soulmates near you.

Your biggest Belief that is destroying you is that of another person
can fix all of your problems, or that this special other person can make everything
right for you. This belief will be the destruction of your relationship, and if you
do not change it, it will be the destruction of you.

The agreement between my friends is as such, and I quote, "If either of is not
enjoying this relationship, we should leave." This is not saying that you must
enforce enjoyment, it is saying that in order for love to grow, it has to be based
on mutual enjoyment. That in each second you stay together it is based on
your decision, in that moment, to stay together.

Sorry this is a bit discontinuous. Ask any questions and I will answer.

Be well

BuilderOfCastles
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builderofcastles
 
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Hes told me that it was his past, rejection that played its part,and the fact that we chosen not to have sex together,for spiritual reasons, and we kinda.. had,and he was feeling guilty, short said,for me and for God. After we talked that out he became loving again, but not daring to be too close either,short said. It was hard to go from one point to another.
Weve had arguements, I cant recall them all,in writing moment,but I can take what happened today as an example, I wonder,is this me, or him? Is this because of his abusive past,or whats going on here? its seems kinda cloudy. we were feeling great,oneness and melting together as one, then I had to go shopping and it took longer time than normal for this and that reason. He moaned about how long time Ive been away,moaning about he didnt got anything to eat-hes capable of making himself food other days,and we still had so he could eat. then I tried to explain the valid reasons to why i had been so late. He moaned about the time. He didnt understood my reasons, that it take time to get there and back-one hour each,to get around there,big place,i was feeling ill as well so everything went slowly. instead he made a scene.
Later,he told me he had an off-day and that was why.
Again,later, he didnt wanted to sleep next to me anymore,he told me its because i snore. Normally, I would turn over to one side,and thats been fine all time, hes told me to turn around sometimes,if i in my sleep had turned around. But last time I asked him it was fine. so it came as a shock for the first.
he had not dared to tell me,and feared my reaction. something he doesnt need to.
I then said it was awkward,and he blew that up. wanting me to explain,digging. i just felt it was awkward,thats IT. I accepted it and understood,he was on his way hughing me until i fell asleep but this stopped it. suddenly he told me he hurt my feelings,when he didnt, suddenly he told me i didnt accepted and understood just because i said it was awkward and hard to deal with. but he wasnt right in his perceotions and i told him so,which made him mad,i said i do have the right to my own feelings, and he saId hes hurt me and i said NO. trying to explain again,while he gott mad,saying hes never really got over each time weve had issues,even though weve solved it and talked about it!
as late as yesterday we were so close and talked about how good we did and how far weve come.
and now this,him saying he wanted the solution once and for all,from me, how to solve it/when it happens like this, and that he was sick of the polarities. making me feel he throw the towel in.
folks, is this his abuse past that talks? is this why? or whats really going on here? is he using me? what is this really about?
MIRIAM
 
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one other thing that makes me wonder is we can be close,hugh for hours,he used to kiss me before the incident with getting too close,(that we havent chosen sex is another story) and we can be as close to feeling like one beeing litterally. and yet, callin me "my love","my beloved",making plans to move in with me, and yet doesnt dare to kiss me again other than my head, and speak to me in terms like friend and sister, and still yet claim to love me over all, wanting to be as close as possible,to one beeing, knowing and accepting the twinship as well. whats going on here? am i beeing used?
MIRIAM
 
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I have to agree with what Lynx said also I think you should take it slowly maybe he feels a little under pressure for some reason? the fact he broke up with his x not long ago could also be affecting him in that way maybe he had a rough relationship and he's still healing from that also if you say he has opened up to you about all those troubles he's had then maybe he is also expecting you to be a friend for now sometimes people also get confuzzled with friend/romantic relationship partner because they have never had what they were looking for and when they finally meet up someone with whom they feel comfortable with they get confussed as to how the relationship is progressing I say give it time try not to rush things too much rushing things isn't always the best way to go specially in love partner relationships...
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Hey I came from a bad background, was dragged up rather than reared, but manners is free with someone like this you have to be strong and to the point or they will think you as weak, once he's sees that he can't walk all over you he will either move on or gain respect for you, either way you win , yes our pasts can have an effect on our future but what business I'd his past on your future, you did not go through it so why do you have to suffer because he feels trapped ?
If it was my daughter i'd tell her to say, I feel awful for what you went through, however I will not tolerate your actions so get yourself together or I'll be moving on, people like him don't want you to move on, but they let on that there the strong ones,
ask him would he think it ok if someone stabbed you to death , watch his face when he says no, just reply but honey they had A Bad Upbringing, this might make him see that it's not ok to act as he does
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well weve talked more, quite alot and deep and difficult, I was seriously thinking of leaving him, i dont know if he felt that but he wanted me to cuddle all time watching films, feeling better,kissing me on my forehead etc.. while I feel in between something and nothing. but yet, something. it would be much easier to accept if you know where you stand. and yet,the sits so fragile..
He follows me to bed cuddling and go to the sofa,i cant help myself feeling abandoned in a smaller way anyway,especially when thinking of before,but on the other hand, hes waited for me to fall to sleep many times,and went in anyway since he couldnt sleep,and sometimes good and some bad,I just dont get he said it was good some days before this. is he lying to me?
we got closer again,he said he doesnt trust it this time until its went a while to see if something more happens. well,how can you come close to someone with that attitude? and with him running this far out? i mean,if hes stopped it,when I expressed my feelings it wouldnt got that far.
he knows its his past haunting and hes said he will deal with it. he doesnt seem to want to loose me either,he seem panic to do that.
MIRIAM
 
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He moved out of my bedroom,because I snore,right. Telling me,and promising me to come and cuddle before we slept. He knew I would feel rejected and lonely. It was okay for him. This night he stood in the door entrance and wanted to hugh goodnight. No coming in laying beside me. He did that ONE time only. He said I was silly,that weve just cuddled for hours on the sofa. well,not as close as you can in bed,right. And,theres a difference. He couldnt see that,it was just silly he thought. telling me it was only five minutes, even though hes agreed. he focused more on him feeling controled. but he agreed. and he knew how i felt. first,he moves out of the bedroom,now he doesnt want to cuddle in it. what do you think.
he assured me he loves me and never leaves me etc. but still?
MIRIAM
 
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He takes what he wants from you, and you take nothing or very little that you want from him. He uses you. He may love you alright but he does not want to be in a relationship with you. If it is his past to blame, then you should leave him until he solves his issues. Something very improbable. This kind of people are full of guilt and think of themselves very high, to be spiritual without sex etc. Thinking too much ruins your life. You do not have to hellp him or suffer for the little drops of love he gives you. You are seriously addicted to him. I mean seriously. Like a junkie. He will continue to hurt you and you will be so addicted that although you will suffer greatly and you will want to move on, you will not. Until he tells you so. Which is very probable. And then you will free, and then he will come after you promising everything you wanted back then... That is my prediction for your relationship, based on similar personal experience.
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ekati
 
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So how do you break away/break that addiction?
He has made clear he loves me,and promised me to move to here again and sort something out,when he gets back home again, hughs me for hours and hours,kiss me on my cheeks and head, talks about everything we will do together as well spiritually, tells me its us for eternity etc etc.,
it feels.. kinda weird to me.. to not want to be in relationship or heading for it if you do all that,. we do everything a nornal couple would do except sex(except a few times where we fell in), and it also feels weird he doesnt sleep in the same room anymore. Despite his explanations. Are his explanations a lie? Im already thinking on moving on,dating others after a while but i dont really know how to deal with this guy. and how to break whatever it is.. do you know?
MIRIAM
 
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I wonder... he keeps on telling me how little he wants to huty me.. talks about conquering my fear/doubt etc with positive, asking me to bind and proyect, telling me about his good intentions all times, ...i wonder what would happen if i do start to see others
MIRIAM
 
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