Scared

[Leaflet]

My husband is emotionally abusive. He is aware of this. Last week was a calm part of the cycle, and it started up again yesterday. He said his abusive words nicely this time, so he thought he wasn't being abusive. When I told him to stop he said, "Well then, how am I supposed to correct you?" He was stunned when I told him I'm an adult, and I don't need correcting.

Now, today, he's sending me texts saying he loves me and that he's going to therapy. My child is young. I don't want this cycle to continue. I've fixed all I can about myself, but I'm pretty sure he's not fixable.

He's like a dark cloud in my life. I try to block his negative energy, but I can only block so much. I'm scared to leave, scared to stay. I have no job, no money and a toddler. What if things are worse when I leave?


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[LunarLotus]

There are shelters and other organizations out there that help abused women get on their feet, look around your area and get in touch with someone, a lot of them offer emergency and long term help for women in your situation.

Do you have any family or friends that can help you out?

[Leaflet]

Yes, it's just the actual step that is scary. My family is far away, so enlisting their help is so final.

[sshenry]

Perhaps an extended visit to your family would be in order. Simply tell your husband that you need time to think about whether or not you want to stay in the marriage - that he is welcome to go to counseling in the meantime but that you cannot promise that you will return. I'm sure that if you talked to your family about it they would help fund the 'visit.' At the very least it would give you chance to think things through without having to be under his continual negative shadow.

[LH919]

look up narcicism

and if he fits the description

find a way to leave

as soon as you can.

you can make attempts

to co parent and be friends

but it may be very difficult

[TheWhiteRabbit]

I was recently in your situation and thankfully got out. I know how hard this is I have a small child also. no job no money but I got out..thankfully with help from external sources also.
Firstly...you can try to help him change..let me guess, been there done that? Well try putting out what you want in return..providing you havent already. also..try sending love to him from your heart, truly, not sure what you know of chakras..Im talking pure divine love energy here. See him as someone who needs help needs love..isn't that why people act ridiculous?
Secondly, this may not work. If not, you must respect that, that's how he his right now, everyone has their way...choose to move on with your life without allowing anything or anyone negative in.
I know it seems like there is no way out, and I think you are as I was...you know he won't change but how can you get out? Forget the 'how' forget the details. Just know you will be able to be free that you and your child will be ok..relax..ride the wave, having full intent of Love in all you do.
Careful who you trust, I'm speaking of recent experience...and just find YOU. And YOU are inside..all the beauty, Love..the answers are inside.
Im here for you and I can relate very much. Don't hesitate to drop me a line!
Just know everything will be as it should if you trust in universal Love for all and intend everything out of the goodness of your heart. Out of the darkest storms, my friend..a rainbow awaits

[Lion Lady]

Ya I would say go to your parents. Go to church and explain your situation to the people that you meet there. I know church can be blah. But hey they love helping people. They may give you gifts. One may let you stay at their house until your on your feet. They may donate money to you. When your at church talk about how you pray to god everyday for forgiveness and help in putting your life together.. which you may considering God is your inner spirit. The energy we have in us all. But they think of him as a physical humanized thing, doesn't matter as long as you just say god.. they will get it.

Hahah this was always my plan if I became homeless. Just go to church everyday and wait for someone (woman preferred to be careful) to give me a temporary home until I got back on my feet. So ya just a suggestion....

[silvercharm]

I'm sorry to hear that, i've never been in your shoes either.
But if i am you, i will definitely leave him if he can't change himself.
raising a child with emotionally unstable man like that is not good for your kid.
go to your parents/family and try to find a job.

[Rockwood]

"Well then, how am I supposed to correct you?"

It's not his fault. It's you.

Are you perfect? Do you worship the Beauty of the Divinity? What is your Future. Who are you?

Can you answer these questions?

Well, I guess you need to work on yourself.

[LH919]

It's not his fault. It's you.

Are you perfect? Do you worship the Beauty of the Divinity? What is your Future. Who are you?

Can you answer these questions?

Well, I guess you need to work on yourself.

^for those not aware

this is classic

emotional manipulation

[Leaflet]

It's not his fault. It's you.

Are you perfect? Do you worship the Beauty of the Divinity? What is your Future. Who are you?

Can you answer these questions?

Well, I guess you need to work on yourself.

I am perfectly aware that it's not me.

[Rockwood]

I am perfectly aware that it's not me.

Well, somebody reported on me that I was mean to you. I guess, it is not my business what your are aware of. Talk to that one. Bye.

[SophiA AntipoliS]

It's not his fault. It's you.

Are you perfect? Do you worship the Beauty of the Divinity? What is your Future. Who are you?

Can you answer these questions?

Well, I guess you need to work on yourself.

My initial reaction to this was, the thought that these questions were to be asked of him,
but clearly he could not answer them with a "yes".

Be shocked and stunned and allow your reply if yes, to provide the strength foresight and
grace to reclaim what your husband has drained from you.

Why should he want you two to remain in his misery if not to district him from his own,
and fed his personal loss of identity and ego.

_________
actually, I ask myself this every day

[Psychic Child]

I have helped some of my college student with this same problem.
They all found that the shelter was a good place to start.
They arranged for a place to stay with others in a similar
situation. They arranged for group and singular therapy to
understand the how and why. So you can build your life again.

Don't put it off, Check the yellow pages. Call and go now.
I don't know what religion you are in, but several insist
that the Wife is "Always" obedient to her husband.
That is why I think a shelter is the best idea. .
They are on "your" side. . . . . ;-)
Be in harmony,
be in beauty.
roger

[SophiA AntipoliS]

I have helped some of my college student with this same problem.
They all found that the shelter was a good place to start.
They arranged for a place to stay with others in a similar
situation. They arranged for group and singular therapy to
understand the how and why. So you can build your life again.

Don't put it off, Check the yellow pages. Call and go now.
I don't know what religion you are in, but several insist
that the Wife is "Always" obedient to her husband.
That is why I think a shelter is the best idea. .
They are on "your" side. . . . . ;-)
Be in harmony,
be in beauty.
roger

Oh wow, highlighted portion is true; Inner Faith is all prevailing.

[Psychic Child]

It's not his fault. It's you.

Are you perfect? Do you worship the Beauty of the Divinity? What is your Future. Who are you?
Can you answer these questions?
Well, I guess you need to work on yourself.

Rock that was a very abusive post,
shame for your lack of understanding
and compassion.
Be in harmony,
be in beauty.
roger

[Grounded Gifts]

Hi Leaflet, IME leaving is very hard, and once you've left, it takes about 6 months to adjust and start over. But no woman ever regrets leaving an abusive man. Just having freedom and peace is so liberating. Here is some info I posted elsewhere, about abuse.

1. You deserve better.

2. Better an empty house than a bad boarder. Any man treats you that way -- even ONCE - get rid of him. End of story.

3. Raise your standards.

4. Yes, you may feel you love him, but that is NOT love. Face up to who he is. He is an abusive man. Don't throw good love after bad.

6. I have read estimates that abuse occurs in as many as 25% of homes. Abusive men are everywhere. They start out all charming, but eventually their true nature reveals itself. Get rid of him. Every minute spent with him is a minute you could have spent with a loving, kind and generous man who makes you feel great.

7. Statistically, if you go back with an abusive man after the SECOND episode of abuse, you will be hooked in and could be in that abusive relationship for a very long time. Get out, after the FIRST episode of abuse.

8. RAISE YOUR STANDARDS. VALUE YOURSELF MUCH MORE HIGHLY. YOU ARE A PRIZE. People who have high self-esteem do not tolerate abuse. They make a checklist of the qualities of a HEALTHY relationship. They seek a partner who matches those qualities. They DON'T WASTE TIME WITH ABUSIVE PARTNERS. Abusers are time-wasters.

9. Toughen up! Reclaim your power. Get angry at being treated this way. Get determined and start to plan and think clearly. Work out what you want. Look at men with a critical eye. Look for what is behind the facade. Men will say ANYTHING to get us into bed. Look for their faults. When you find a man whose faults do NOT include: unreasonable anger, misogyny, manipulation, false charm, controlling tendencies -- he MIGHT be a good guy.

10. With an abusive guy, there are ALWAYS warning signs. ALWAYS. Look back at this relationship with this guy, and work out the early signs that something was not quite right; the seemingly little things that made you feel a little uncomfortable. You will have brushed these aside and thought, "Oh no, he's not like that." Well, he IS like that. Perhaps he made some decisions for you, perhaps he said bad things about other women. There will have been some signs.

11. Learn from this experience. It's time to learn about relationships -- what to avoid, what is safe; what is unsafe.

12. Work on lifting your self-esteem;. Allow yourself to feel your own strength of character. Aim for clear judgment.

13. You are a treasure. I imagine you have flaws, but don't ever be hard on yourself. Forgive yourself for everything. Move on. Romance is an adventure. If a romantic partner does not match up, ditch him and start looking around. Aim to have each partner better than the last!!!

14. Carry yourself with pride. You have a very bright future. You child comes first. You may choose to stay with an abusive man, but your duty is to raise your child in an abuse-free environment. Don't waste time feeling guilty -- just move on away from this man as soon as you can.

15. Trust your gut instinct with men. Look for warning signs. Don't "surrender" yourself to any man. Scrutinise them. Be FUSSY. Follow your instinct -- don't ignore those nagging doubts. Those nagging doubts are the TRUTH trying to get your attention.
___________________________

Abusive men do not change.

The only way they change is if they admit to their behaviour and go into extended counselling (usually for a period of at least 2 years) while living separately from the people they abused.

Very few abusive men do that. Hardly any.

I think that this guy, like all abusive guys, may have had some redeeming qualities. Those redeeming qualities are the things that keep us hanging on, thinking we love them, and wishing they would change. But they don't change.
________________

Abuse has a cycle. It's literally called The Cycle Of Abuse:

make-up/he's sorry, he's nice --> tension builds, he becomes agitated, tense, unsettled --> he is abusive --> make-up/he's sorry, he's nice -->tension builds, he becomes agitated, tense, unsettled --> he is abusive ...

The cycle repeats endlessly, and the only way for us to break this cycle is to leave the guy. That's the only way. Cut our losses and go.
_____________________

Abusive men don't have to change because society does not deal with abuse from Known Offenders; it only deals with abuse from strangers. When we are abused by a man we know, almost everybody turns a blind eye to it.

The guy gets away with it; he can do anything. Unless we have brothers or a group of male friends who will run him out of town, he will keep abusing.

He finds out very quickly whether or not he will get away with it. If we don't walk out the door after the first or second abusive episode, he has us hooked and he knows he can do whatever he likes.

This is just the way it is. It is as if there is a textbook of abuse and all these abusive guys read the same textbook.
___________________

IMHO tell your family. Tell your friends. Tell EVERYBODY. Expose this man for his abuse that has made you feel powerless. Put the shame and blame back where they belong - with the abusive man.

Ring every service you can find, that might help you. Ask for counselling, so that you can talk about the situation and begin to think clearly about what you want to do about it. If you do leave, try to get assistance with relocation costs. Try to have other people present when leave, or leave when he is out of the house.

If you do leave, take all legal documents with you (the deed to the house, the papers showing ownership of the car - everything). Women who take all the papers with them often end up getting a fair share of jointly-owned things. If you have no paperwork, you may not be able to claim any assets from the relationship.

All of what I have said probably sounds very harsh. Leaving is not easy, and there are usually very valid reasons for staying, in particular, financial reasons. Bear in mind, also, that an abusive relationship makes us feel dependent on the abuser. It can be hard to imagine coping without him .... but the reality is that life is SO much better without abuse. Good luck, whatever you decide to do

[Leaflet]

Grounded Gifts, your list is very helpful. I am seeing a counselor and coming up with a plan. I want to have all of my "ducks in a row" so that things go as smoothly as possible. Thank you for your caring and advice. It's true, it's like they all read from the same textbook. What really made me believe he is abusive was that his behavior matches what is described as abusive behavior exactly. I couldn't believe how precisely abusive behavior was profiled. It was like the website I read and the counseling service I visited had met my husband.

[Rockwood]

Rock that was a very abusive post,
shame for your lack of understanding
and compassion.
Be in harmony,
be in beauty.
roger

I don't think so. How can Perfection, worshiping the Beauty of the Divinity, Future and knowing the Source of your existence be abusive? Are you crazy? I know what you mean and I haven't said anything to anyone (yet). So be nice. As for the OP, they say that the Lord's Prayer helps a lot in any trouble situation.

[Grounded Gifts]

Good luck, Leaflet Some other things I learned about Family Violence or abuse:

- The effects on children of being raised in an abusive environment are only recently beginning to be studied. What is being found is that children who witness abuse of a parent, especially the abuse of their mother (their mother is, literally, their world) internalise it, as if it had happened to them personally.

- Leaving an abusive relationship: this role-models the best solution to abuse, for your child. It role-models the skills required to cope with and leave such a relationship. Should your child, upon growing up, find himself/herself in an abusive relationship, he/she will have a much greater chance of coping and leaving, because he/she has already been shown how to leave.

- The effects of verbal or emotional abuse can be equally as damaging as the effects of physical abuse. Verbal or emotional abuse can often take longer from which to recover.

- After leaving, it can be useful to attend a support group or to have extended counselling, so as to examine how you got enmeshed in the abusive relationship, what abuse is all about, and how to deal with it, if you experience it again.

- Abusive men abuse, with one goal in mind: to control. They use anger, criticism, violence -- anything they can -- to control. Taking back control can be very difficult for those who are abused, as they become conditioned, in order to adapt and survive. Rebuilding one's self-esteem can be a long process, but it is worth it