Scared

[Lelitu]

Good luck, Leaflet Some other things I learned about Family Violence or abuse:

- The effects on children of being raised in an abusive environment are only recently beginning to be studied. What is being found is that children who witness abuse of a parent, especially the abuse of their mother (their mother is, literally, their world) internalise it, as if it had happened to them personally.

- Leaving an abusive relationship: this role-models the best solution to abuse, for your child. It role-models the skills required to cope with and leave such a relationship. Should your child, upon growing up, find himself/herself in an abusive relationship, he/she will have a much greater chance of coping and leaving, because he/she has already been shown how to leave.

- The effects of verbal or emotional abuse can be equally as damaging as the effects of physical abuse. Verbal or emotional abuse can often take longer from which to recover.

- After leaving, it can be useful to attend a support group or to have extended counselling, so as to examine how you got enmeshed in the abusive relationship, what abuse is all about, and how to deal with it, if you experience it again.

- Abusive men abuse, with one goal in mind: to control. They use anger, criticism, violence -- anything they can -- to control. Taking back control can be very difficult for those who are abused, as they become conditioned, in order to adapt and survive. Rebuilding one's self-esteem can be a long process, but it is worth it

some very good advice here and in your previous post
just one quibble. it's not just men that abuse, and it doesn't just happen in heterosexual relationships.
this could stand to be rewritten to remove all gendered pronouns, would make it much more universally applicable.

Leaflet. what grounded gifts said. a million times over.

[Rum]

Actual physical abuse should not be tolerated and I would echo the above advice if that is the case, however there are many definitions of emotional abuse and advising someone to leave before you actually know what is going on is jumping to conclusions.

Sorry Leaflet I do not mean to imply that this is the situation you are in just that I have heard claims of emotional abuse where the situation did not warrant it.

Every relationship generally has its ups and downs and people argue but to be honest I'm horrified at the advice given here before anyone has even asked what you mean by abuse.

The issue of control is a big one for a lot of relationships is it still abusive to choose to let one partner have control over decisions, if the decisions made are done so with love and understanding for the other, this is the typical model of the Christian marriage where the husband is in control by agreement and few see this as an abusive relationship though some might. This type of relationship only works though when the husband does not abuse the position to just get his own way all the time.

There is a however a big difference between control over normal household decisions and control over a persons life.

If however there are issues that deteriorate to name calling and insults then there is a problem that needs to be dealt with, finding a guidance councillor for both of you may help.

Unless he is becoming threatening then you backing down because he is angry at not getting his own way is not really abuse it is actually you not knowing how to stand up for yourself, it is abuse when you are frightened to stand up for yourself.

If you are to frightened to stand up for yourself then the term abuse fits and you need to look at other options for yourself and your child.

Having him say how will I correct you can mean simply that he does not agree with you and is trying to explain why, Should that mean you just get your own way in the relationship all the time ? certainly not but it does not mean he should either

Verbally aggressive behaviour is a different matter, this is bad behaviour and both people in relationships are usually guilty of this to a certain extent when they don't get their own way. learning to look at how we react when we don't get our own way and learning to recognise the little things we all do when we don't get our own way can make a huge difference in any relationship.

Emotional manipulation and abuse can mean that one partner will deliberately keep putting the other down with negative comments and actions in order to make the other dependant and feel like they have no self worth, this is indeed a form of control which you should not in any way accept.

However it can also be the case where one of the people in the relationship is doing something the other doesn't agree with and they are trying to point it out, how they are pointing it out and why also needs to be looked at. this is often miss labelled abuse and is really just a lack of communication and recognising that others do not always do things the same way as us.

The problem is that nobody likes to be told what to do and if you have a partner that is constantly trying to correct you wither the advice they are trying to give is valid or not then you will eventually resent them for doing so and probably feel as if nothing you ever do is good enough. When things get to that stage most of us don't even want to listen to what is being said as it is just considered another verbal bashing by then.

It is not in my opinion actually abusive to try and point out a difference of opinion on how your partner has done something you don't agree with though it is probably really stupid to do so unless it directly effects you or your children, how you point it out if you still feel it is required is a different matter as nobody has the right to make demands of another person it is acceptable to sit down and talk about a situation and agree a course of action for the future it is unreasonable to shout at each other because your partner didn't do things the way you would have.

[Hamoth]

^for those not aware

this is classic

emotional manipulation

Fascinating. Do you have a place where I can read more about this?

[Lelitu]

Rum also raises some excellent points here

it's hard to judge emotional abuse. and control is *only* a sign of abuse if it's nonconsensual.
still, regardless of if it's technically abusive, it's pretty clear you're not happy right now.
that being the case, I have two questions I think you should think about.

"does the relationship contribute to your long term happiness and health?" (not just the right now)
"if not, do you feel there is enough left to be worth fighting for?" (this includes your partner's willingness to really work on the issues)

depending on the answers, you'll know what to do. and the resources are out there if you need them.
no shame in using them.

[Psychic Child]

rum,
the technical designation of abuse
is not in question here, and it shouldn't be.
The degree of abuse is not in question here.
The meanings of threats of punishment, are
not in question here, not even for Leaflet to
answer now.
All of that is what counseling is for.
Abusive behavior is rather well defined.
It is recognized that it follows a pattern
of escalating behavior.
It is the attitude:
"You make me do what I am doing to you."
"If you would only do what I tell you to do . ."
"My feeling angry is your fault."

These posts are about how leaflet feels, and what options of actions she has, and only that.
Not about how you or I feel about what constitutes abuse.
Be in harmony,
be in beauty.
roger
note:
I am surprised no one told leaflet to go out and buy or borrow
a 12 gauge shot gun and "Blow him away" just after waking him up.
Charley dear . . . never again . . .BLAMM<M<M.
Or to Super Glue his hands to his stomach, and break
both his arms with a baseball bat before she left.
Or develop her psi-abilities to protect her self and the kids.

I am not surprised that she was advised to submit to gods will.
This is what Counseling is all about . . . . ;-)
The "how" of dealing with a personal problem.
beauty,
pc.
afterthought note:
Abuse is not only between adults, but between parent and child,
between child and parent, and between children.
Bullying is a form of abuse too.
beauty,
pc.

[Rum]

rum,
the technical designation of abuse
is not in question here, and it shouldn't be.
The degree of abuse is not in question here.
The meanings of threats of punishment, are
not in question here, not even for Leaflet to
answer now.
All of that is what counseling is for.
Abusive behavior is rather well defined.
It is recognized that it follows a pattern
of escalating behavior.
It is the attitude:
"You make me do what I am doing to you."
"If you would only do what I tell you to do . ."
"My feeling angry is your fault."

These posts are about how leaflet feels, and what options of actions she has, and only that.
Not about how you or I feel about what constitutes abuse.
Be in harmony,
be in beauty.
roger
note:
I am surprised no one told leaflet to go out and buy or borrow
a 12 gauge shot gun and "Blow him away" just after waking him up.
Charley dear . . . never again . . .BLAMM<M<M.
Or to Super Glue his hands to his stomach, and break
both his arms with a baseball bat before she left.
Or develop her psi-abilities to protect her self and the kids.

I am not surprised that she was advised to submit to gods will.
This is what Counseling is all about . . . . ;-)
The "how" of dealing with a personal problem.
beauty,
pc.
afterthought note:
Abuse is not only between adults, but between parent and child,
between child and parent, and between children.
Bullying is a form of abuse too.
beauty,
pc.

I didn't say the definition of abuse was in question PC just that you should at least find out what exactly is going on before handing out that type of advice.

It is not unknown for someone to claim abuse simply because they are not getting their own way, Sorry Leaflet again i do not mean to suggest that is your situation simply that it would have been prudent to at least ask how serious the situation was before suggesting that you leave.

I wish you strength and wisdom to deal with the situation you are in as easily and with the best result for you as possible.

[LH919]

Fascinating. Do you have a place where I can read more about this?

well just google it

I am sure there are some good articles

out there on it

I recently read some

on another forum

[Psychic Child]

I didn't say the definition of abuse was in question PC just that you should at least find out what exactly is going on before handing out that type of advice.

Because we don't know the full story, is exactly why my advice was
to get to neutral ground and get experienced counseling.

It is not unknown for someone to claim abuse simply because they are not getting their own way,

If that is the case, abuse counselors will point that out.
I think that Leaflet's posting for help in a public forum, was an indicator to the seriousness she gave her problem. That seriousness in asking for help calls for professional guidance, not judging guilt.

Sorry Leaflet again i do not mean to suggest that is your situation simply that it would have been prudent to at least ask how serious the situation was before suggesting that you leave.

I wish you strength and wisdom to deal with the situation you are in as easily and with the best result for you as possible.

Me too.


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Be in harmony,
be in beauty.
roger

[Rum]

well ty for agreeing with what i said then seems that translation got a little lost

[Hamoth]

well just google it

I am sure there are some good articles

out there on it

I recently read some

on another forum

It seems like a broad term - I was wondering specifically what you mean. Google won't be helpful there - I'm not half as clever as I pretend at being.

[LH919]

It seems like a broad term - I was wondering specifically what you mean. Google won't be helpful there - I'm not half as clever as I pretend at being.

oh you were asking more about

emotional manipulation

but that was a few days ago so

I googled it for you

https://www.google.com/#hl=en&gs_nf=...w=1366&bih=650

hope that helps you.

BTW

Why do you pretend to be clever?

[Hamoth]

oh you were asking more about

emotional manipulation

but that was a few days ago so

I googled it for you

https://www.google.com/#hl=en&gs_nf=...w=1366&bih=650

hope that helps you.

BTW

Why do you pretend to be clever?

I don't pretend to be clever, that presumes achievement and status that one doesn't wisely apply to oneself - I pretend at BEING clever, that is a daily challenge to step it up. I was just being light and trying to humble my tone. Relax

Thanks for the link. When I take emotional intelligence tests; I don't do well. Terms like these are a bit hefty for me at times.

Honestly I read your post and thought: uh-oh, another social landmine...what is this about?

I often blunder into misrepresenting myself and just wanted to avoid whatever it was that bothered you about that post. I didn't see the manipulation, so I felt in danger of being that way unintentionally.

Why's everyone so defensive today?
It's nice and warm.

[LH919]

you're welcome

hamoth

[sherlockshawk]

Well, somebody reported on me that I was mean to you. I guess, it is not my business what your are aware of. Talk to that one. Bye.

I am not sure how you are not yet banned from this forum... I have yet to read a positive, useful post that you have created. What is your purpose here? I understand the freedom of speech, but this forum is meant to be a discussion/information sharing site and I am not sure that you are a positive aspect of this forum...

There that is my right to use the freedom of speech. This is just my own opinion.

[Rockwood]

I am not sure how you are not yet banned from this forum... I have yet to read a positive, useful post that you have created. What is your purpose here? I understand the freedom of speech, but this forum is meant to be a discussion/information sharing site and I am not sure that you are a positive aspect of this forum...

There that is my right to use the freedom of speech. This is just my own opinion.

You see, there are witches on this forum who pretend to be indigos. They give wrong advices to harm people and create mass hysteria. I am surprised myself why I have not been banned yet. I start believing that this forum is maintaining by Light Forces after all unlike the others where I am banned almost instantly. But if am banned, not a big deal, either. Somebody will just spoil his/her karma and I'll gain more points as a Saint and a martyr for Faith.

Rex tremendae majestatis,
qui salvandos savas gratis,
salve me, fons pietatis.



I guess, I will report on you. You are trying to say that I am negative. It's a lie and humiliation of my dignity.

Goodbye.

[Leaflet]

In case anyone was wondering. The Latin says:

King of tremendous majesty,
who freely saves those worthy ones,
save me, source of mercy. -Mozart

I guess that's a picture of God underneath. Delightful.

[Psychic Child]

rockwood,
Only Witches [bad women?]?
to be "saved"??
No bad Wizards or Sorcerer's?
;-)
I feel left out . . .;-(
;-) ;-)
Be in harmony,
be in beauty.
roger
note: sonetimes rockwood,
you is and sometimes you ain't.
beauty,
pc

[Bubs]

Leaflet,
In your heart you know what to do. So as a grounding force, when you are scared and undecided, keep a simple truth Think concept....not details.
Because the details will come to you,one step at a time. People will always be willing to help,when you are ready to accept it.
Good luck and blessings to you and your little one.

[Leaflet]

Thank you, Bubs. That is helpful.

[zero]

just kill him and never look back