I hate doing this.
I hate throwing my thoughts down on post or paper with the egoic assumption that people will read it and care.
Perhaps my faith in people, in general, is completely lost.
I have reached a breaking point in my conscious self, and my heart is filled with dark matter; mind turned reptilian.
My heart has filled itself with scorn,... the scorn and frustration of not understanding the self, never being able to understand guidance, and feeling alone... amiss a vacant island... while I go insane believing in things that NOBODY in my PHYSICAL REALITY is willing to support. I have nothing to keep me on and Indigo/Starseed focus. Nobody. ... and because of it, I have no use but to feel insane or incompetent keeping to such ideals.
I've been trying to invoke or force a breakthrough;... a full shift of consciousness, but it has been nothing but me giving into my insecurities, my scorn, and watching myself plunge into violently angry slumber.
The last week has been an incredible step in this inevitable break from the old ways.
I once had a blog where I shared my most deep of thoughts, but the site/community it is located on is not the same it was years ago. In this blog, I've filled it with my spiritual and (assumingly) schizotypal madness all centered on my ever naieve search for truth and spirit. ... I've had this blog for eight years, and it a testament to all of the useless emotional rambling and extremely mild of spiritual events that have occurred in my life, despite just how heavy and yearning my heart is and has always been.
Last week, I decided it was time to close this blog, and to begin saving each and every piece of it to computer. I considered it a necessary move in order for me to evolve mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. While I sense it is only necessary, I feel abandonment. ... I feel disarray and unfamiliarity with spiritual individuals because of my resentment of the ongoing silence in the airwaves. No guidance. No clear, concise channels. Not even a spirited or gifted individual for me to call friend (because face it!! EVERY spiritual friend I have ever made has vanished from existence at one point or another. There is almost no point or no use in kinship or companionship. All that exists is scorn.)
So, it is closed. ... I have begun reviewing each and every post from earliest to latest, perhaps in the attempt to truly understand my old self, or discover something. No luck thus far.
I'm just so tired. ... So tired of coming up with my own faulty answers to these continuous puzzles without witnessing them. ... So tired of suspecting that a 'spiritual individual' would have better sense of character than your typical passerby, but rather is more withdrawn and illusive than anyone else. ... So tired of trying to dig understanding of my guidance out of the mental fecomatter.
Not to mention the extra 200 a month I have to pay for student loans, the constant nonsense at work, the lack of companionship or signage from guidance.
Why the fuck was I put in this fucking body? ... Why does someone so affected and so resonant with this concept of spirituality and supernatural beings,... live in a xompletely caged-off life-consciousness where he has nothing but to bitch and whine about things he clearly fucking deserves to feel and see?
I'm just... fucking losing it!
My rage is telling me.... there is no 'secret'. ... There is no 'technique'. ... It's all fucking bullshit!
From ET's,... to the guidance within me,... .... I cannot see; cannot breathe.
I sense I should, but I clearly am not. While the anger isn't helping, its really all I have left to rely on! >.<!
For some reason, I feel like the only breakthrough I'll ever have is to angrily crash into it.