When your Indigo Soul Mate loses her mind

[Sane Man]

These are lyrics from a song I wrote roughly two years ago. It's about the woman who helped me realize that I am indigo, and about the abrupt, painful ending to our relationship. This, of course, was my initial reaction... Now I feel, if anything, sympathy for her. I can say with some certainty that she had Borderline Personality Disorder, an illness so serious and complex that treatment is sometimes refused.

Hold your head up high
Questioning me why
Hang your head down low
Because I don’t know
I’m not a liar, nor your messiah
Play the hypocrite
You’re a great big hit

Make me fall apart
Tell me who you are
Tearing at the seams
Nothing you can see
Sink your teeth in me
Rip the skin and bleed
Smoke distorts the truth
Nothing I can do...

Reach through the mirror to find an illusion
Buried face-down in total confusion
I have no answers, I’m not the solution
Gaze through the holes made by your delusions

Rip my heart out from its cage
Squeeze it in a fit of rage
Taste of blood is bittersweet
Cut off the fat, get to the meat

I’m just a puppet on a string
You are completely in control
You make it dance, you make it sing
Until it’s lost all its meaning

You disappear without a trace
I cannot visualize your face
Don’t know who or where you are
I’m not so sure that I should care

I’m just a sculpture on display
You always put me in my place
You criticize, you chip away
Until my features are erased

Strange and mystical
Schizotypical
F*ck you and your head
I think you’d be much better off dead

Draw the line and pick a side
Mistook you for someone else
Say you love me when you’re high
Then you came down

Stranger I shouldn’t have spoken to
The danger I’ve awoken to
You’re harmful to my sanity
Your two faces are killing me
You confused me with an answer
I got you mixed up with cancer
Nothing is quite like what it seems
When life is just composed of dreams

Spread through me like rampant cancer
Suck my brain into the void
Saturate each empty space with smoke
Addict on her knees for more

Guilty ‘til proven innocent
Gonna hang me either way

Hold the noose and smile
Our connection fades away
The need to ruin it all
And stay down when you fall

Guilty ‘til proven innocent
Gonna hang me either way

Threw your halo in the fire
Two faces love to conspire
Make me out to be a liar
Beauty I had once admired

Can’t get used to pain
Searing through my brain
You’re complete sane
I’m the one to blame
Some things never change
Who the f*ck are you?
What the f*ck is true?
Fist is pushing through
Splitting you in two
Don’t know what to do

Scream but no one hears
Cry but see no tears
Laugh but there’s no sound
There’s no one around
Six feet underground
The higher you must go
The farther you will fall
In between the walls
Oh so very small
You’ll forever crawl

Always watch every step
Think before every breath
Your finger right at home
Resting on the trigger

Sane woman drives in circles
With one wheel in the sand
Sane woman plays in traffic
Directing with her hands

Spilled milk on the table
Turn my head, start to cry
Loose screws are on the floor
Hide behind bolted doors

Sane woman swims upstream
Just to get a thrill
Sane woman kicks and screams
Gonna get herself killed
Sane woman drives in circles
With one wheel in the sand
Sane woman plays in traffic
Directing with her hands

Cracked your head in two, and I ran out of glue...

[Susanna West]

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I can sympathize with what you must have gone through. I hope you have healed what damage was done.

[Patryc]

I can empathize with this - my last GF was BPD too

I guess the lesson I took out of it was I learned a lot more about my own strength and my ability to detach

[Susanna West]

Patryc, I assume from your post that your relationship was a painful one. I'm sorry for what you must have gone through as well. I know it's not my fault or responsibility to apologize for other borderlines, but I feel I am in a place where I can at least extend my sympathies. I am well enough to own up to the behaviors those of us with BPD often ellicit.

It saddens and angers me the stereotypes surrounding BPD and I am happy that more people are aware of it because the more we learn about it the more we can help people like me. It is in my suspicion though that a lot of indigos end up with this diagnosis. I have yet to meet any though. The emphasis is usually on ADD.

So I will continue to be a voice for all the Borderlines out there by saying we don't mean to make people suffer. We only want our own suffering to end. I am sorry so many others have to suffer because of us. Hopefully I am coming to a place where I won't be making others suffer anymore and will continue to do what I can to take responsibility for myself, as I hope other Borderlines will find the strength to do.

[Patryc]

I believe she was indigo but the drugs they had her on messed her up severely - she was in the process of coming off them but she was going through suicidal tenancies as well and I tried to be there for her but she honestly believed I wasn't and there wasn't much I could do to convince her. She was incredibly demanding and I felt very drained when I was around her as I felt I had to tip toe around whatever I said to her. She could get very dark and me being an empath picked that up right away and it made me feel like crap so I guess it wasn't a good combination. She was a lovely person deep down I know, I just wish her family hadn't forced her on the meds to begin with.

Oh and I did introduce her to this site but because of her sensitivity she left after 2 or 3 posts - someone said something rather nasty and it put her right off. It's almost like she has no skin, she feels everything or nothing. Switches between extremes.

[cyberwraith]

Patryc,

*hugs* That sounds so close and accurate to the experiences I have had, too. One of my best friends suffers from BPD. I would have to say, though, that in my experience the *right* meds can make a TREMENDOUS difference.

What you describe sounds very much like my friend when she isn't on her meds (and sometimes she has a difficult time keeping up with her meds). I think she is generally pretty self-aware even when she isn't on her meds, though, so it makes it a little easier to work out any problems that arise.

As another empath, it has really taken some adjustments and learning to figure out more which one is responsible for what part of any problems that might come up. (It can be even more challenging at times because she is also empathic so we can sometimes get into this "feedback loop" where things have fed into each other.)

I feel for all of you (Patryc, Susanna, and Sane Man).

Hugs all around!

[Susanna West]

I know that exactly - having no skin - it's why I must be medicated or I lose all ability to function. I noticed when I am off my medication I see things...flashes of light, shadows...always in my peripheral vision. I think I am seeing into other worlds. I have to hole up at home and contact with other people is almost impossible. I have no idea how I managed to make it this far being off my meds as long as I was.

It is very draining to be so open all the time. It's no wonder she was draining you. I was in the same place when I was at my worst...I didn't even completely realize it. I knew I was hard to be around but I couldn't help it which is why I ended up isolating. I don't think it is possible for someone in the state I was in to be able to hold their own space without feeding off the energy of others. I didn't want to go back on medication because I didn't want that artificial shield. I wanted to be able to find the strength within myself to be able to hold my own space.

Unfortunately, I couldn't do it. I have been on medication for so long I forgot what it was like to be off of it. I don't know if I can be off of it now. At least not anytime soon. It protects and weakens at the same time. I almost never feel nothing. I do not have the ability to numb myself like so many people do. I have often wished I could.

Finding out I am indigo had eased me a great deal because it finally gives me a way to explain why I am this way without casting a negative light. I am sorry your ex couldn't find that same comfort. Perhaps she will when she is ready. And thank you for being accepting as you are! Many people don't understand BPD and fear it. I am sorry you had to go through that pain but bless you for having such courage to endure as long as you did! In the end you have to take care of yourself. I admire your loving spirit - all the loving spirits on this site!

Namaste

[Patryc]

Thanks for shedding some more light on the subject Susanna

it is a difficult one - she had this alter personality also - I don't know if you have that - she even had a name for her - I forget the name now but that's not important. The alter would basically have all the fun and not take responsibility for anything. Her normal self was almost overly responsible, taking responsibility for others and over extending herself.

From memory she was on mood stabilizers and antidepressants. Is that the standard for BPD ?

[Susanna West]

One of the main characteristics of people with BPD is black and white thinking. People and things are either all good or all bad. It is common for us to "dissociate" which means when things are too difficult to handle, we cut ourselves off and "separate."

Multiple Personality Disorder is now called Dissociative Personality Disorder for this reason. People with this disorder often experience something so horrific they cannot accept that it happened to them...They create an alter ego and say "It didn't happen to me, it happened to Fred" or whatever. I don't know if your ex had other diagnoses, but it doesn't surprise me that she would dissociate like that.

I have never gone to that extreme...My dissociation occurs mainly in my detachment to my body...Either I lose the ability to feel things physically or I find my body acting in defiance to my mind. Almost like I am on "auto-pilot."

Another thing common for people with BPD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If she was abused as a child it is likely she suffers from this as well. However, BPD is a physiological disorder in the brain and most of us are born with it. PTSD is acquired and more easily overcome. Both disorders commonly show symptoms of dissociation.

It may have been her way of making sense of her black/white extremes. When on one end she was one person, when on the other, she was someone else.

[Susanna West]

Mood stabilizers and antidepressants are the standard, yes. It is difficult to know what works for each person since we are all different biologically. The process of medication is very slow and all trial and error. If her meds don't help her she may want to try a different combination.

[Patryc]

One of the main characteristics of people with BPD is black and white thinking. People and things are either all good or all bad. It is common for us to "dissociate" which means when things are too difficult to handle, we cut ourselves off and "separate."

Multiple Personality Disorder is now called Dissociative Personality Disorder for this reason. People with this disorder often experience something so horrific they cannot accept that it happened to them...They create an alter ego and say "It didn't happen to me, it happened to Fred" or whatever. I don't know if your ex had other diagnoses, but it doesn't surprise me that she would dissociate like that.

I have never gone to that extreme...My dissociation occurs mainly in my detachment to my body...Either I lose the ability to feel things physically or I find my body acting in defiance to my mind. Almost like I am on "auto-pilot."

Another thing common for people with BPD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If she was abused as a child it is likely she suffers from this as well. However, BPD is a physiological disorder in the brain and most of us are born with it. PTSD is acquired and more easily overcome. Both disorders commonly show symptoms of dissociation.

It may have been her way of making sense of her black/white extremes. When on one end she was one person, when on the other, she was someone else.

funny that you mentioned abuse as a child - I did sense this. She was very cut off in the sexual sense. Not really in touch with that side of herself. On the odd occasion that she did let go and have a good time she claimed she was this alter personality at these times. When she was her normal self she was almost prudish.

[Susanna West]

It really sucks! She must have felt ashamed of being sexual and had to dissociate in order to even endure it. I have had trouble with sex not because of shame necessarily, but because of the fear of losing control. I was not sexually abused, but I was physically abused and I find the results to be quite similar. We simply cannot connect with our bodies normally, if at all.

[SteveThePirate]

I believe my last relationship ended because the other person was BPD or something close to being bi-polar. The signs are all there. The history was there as well but I ignored it because I loved them and thought they could overcome it on their own. I was wrong. But it has made me stronger in the end. I hope you have become stronger from what you went through. There are many here to talk to I have learned

[Susanna West]

A lot of the traits describing indigos are the same things describing BPD. When I first read about indigos I thought "Wow this is describing Borderlines!"

Growing up feeling different, having a difficult time relating to most people, feeling isolated and alone, extra sensitivity to emotion...I'm just really happy to finally have found a way to describe why I am the way I am that doesn't have a negative label tacked to it. For the last few years I have really been struggling with my diagnosis, often wondering how the hell I'm supposed to survive in this world having this affliction. Learning that it's not necessarily an affliction and that I can actually see these traits as a good thing (albeit difficult) makes me feel a lot more confident that I can survive here. I don't feel as hopeless as I was feeling. I just wanted to be "normal" and in some ways I still do, but now I feel I can just be me without feeling like I'm defective in some way.

Thanks for the support!

[cyberwraith]

I can definitely relate to wanting to "feel normal," even though I *don't* have any negative labels (at least from a "medical" sense) attached to me.

I definitely do not think you're alone in having a difficult time with the way the world works.

[SteveThePirate]

A lot of the traits describing indigos are the same things describing BPD. When I first read about indigos I thought "Wow this is describing Borderlines!"

Growing up feeling different, having a difficult time relating to most people, feeling isolated and alone, extra sensitivity to emotion...I'm just really happy to finally have found a way to describe why I am the way I am that doesn't have a negative label tacked to it. For the last few years I have really been struggling with my diagnosis, often wondering how the hell I'm supposed to survive in this world having this affliction. Learning that it's not necessarily an affliction and that I can actually see these traits as a good thing (albeit difficult) makes me feel a lot more confident that I can survive here. I don't feel as hopeless as I was feeling. I just wanted to be "normal" and in some ways I still do, but now I feel I can just be me without feeling like I'm defective in some way.

Thanks for the support!

Even the "normal" people feel defective in some ways. Just turn on the t.v. and wait for some story about any politician or celebrity. I'd hate to think that they are considered the "normal" person.

[cyberwraith]

I don't think celebrities or politicians are generally considered "normal" although they definitely seem to have an easier time (in SOME ways) than a lot of people with the way the world currently is.

Personally, I would consider "normal" as being the general public, who generally seem to just "fit in" with the majority. (Well, they ARE the majority right now...)

I think there are changes coming and the people who find themselves drawn to this site might be like "cosmic midwives," and here to help bring that change into the world. Whereas the "normal" people generally are more comfortable with the way things are.

Just my 2 cents...

[raztaz12]

No one IS normal, Normal is how we want others to perceive us, if we have the appearance then no one will know that we actually aren't normal. No one has a perfect family, no one has the perfect life. Some of us can get pretty damn close but no one is normal, no one is perfect. Especially celebrities.

The "general public" is a face, it isn't about the individual who makes up the general public it is depenedent on what is and is not socially acceptable. For example I don't put my feet on the table at a restaurant that would be wierd, doesn't mean I don't at home or wouldn't if i could. It is how others perceive our behaviour (she hasn't put her feet on the table so shes normal) the second I did that it would be OMG she is soo wierd! poke look at her!

[cyberwraith]

Normal is how we want others to perceive us

Hey! Speak for yourself! I'm perfectly happy projecting the image of abnormality, thank you!

[Susanna West]

When I say "normal" I am really referring to people who can lead somewhat funcional lives. I know that everyone struggles and no one is perfect. I'm almost 30 years old and I am still struggling to be independent. I never have before. I'm not implying that my life sucks or that the whole world has it easier than I do. I would just like to be able to support myself and not have to rely on other people to put food on the table.