Men jokes

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Men jokes «  » by raztaz12
So I'm having an interesting day in the boy/men field of life... so I got some funny jokes to cheer us up. Remember these are jokes and they do not reflect my personal opinions on any individual or sex :p

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
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«  » by sshenry
*pats Raz on the head* it'll be all right Raz, really :)
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«  » by raztaz12
:( tears up a little... thanks
**sniff**
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«  » by Soulsearcher29
I laughed at alot of them, lol
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«  » by Soulsearcher29
Now you all have provoked me, it doesnt take much for me to get into trouble. So I got a joke, you all have prob heard it, buts its funny anyways, and you have probably heard different versions, so here's mine.

There were three construction workers working on a skyscraper. The first one was a German, the second was a Mexican and the third was a blonde.

They all sat down to have lunch and the German opened his lunch and said " Man, cornbeef again, if my wife makes cornbeef one more time for lunch Im going to jump off this building!!

The second guy opened his lunch and said, Burritos again!! If my wife makes burritos one more time, Im going to jump off this building!!!

The blonde opens his and he has bologna in his bag, and he says, bologna again, if I get bologna one more time in my lunch Im going to jump off this building!!!!

The next day, the German opens his lunch, cornbeef was packed, he jumped off the building, then the Mexican opened his, he had burritos, he jumped off too, and then the blonde opened his and he had bologna so he jumped off too

At their funeral, the German mans wife was crying, she said " if only I had known he was tired of cornbeef, I would have made him something else" Then the Mexican guys wife said, "if only I had known he was tired of Burritos, I would have made him tacos or tortillias!!! Then the blonde guys wife said

"Hey, dont look at me!!!"....He makes his own lunch!!!!
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«  » by Soulsearcher29
lol, thats that stuff they put between bread slices, they say its meat, but I dont know...also known as bologne, balognie baloney
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«  » by sshenry
Eh - heaven knows that I love and respect men in general, so please, for all you decent, hard-working, soul-searching, romantic and loveable men out there - my apologies in advance; but as most women know, a woman has to work twice as hard, produce twice the amount of material, and double up on the average man's dedication and commitement to the task at hand to make a place for herself in what has, for the last two thousand years or so, been a man's world.

Fortunately, as all women know, this is not that difficult. :p
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«  » by Patryc
lol - touche

many smart women in my class of early childhood education - I much rather learn from women - they make excellent teachers (understanding, nurturing and perceptive)

perhaps the patriarchal reign is due to end - back to the matriarchal days of old
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«  » by sshenry
Patryc wrote:lol - touche

many smart women in my class of early childhood education - I much rather learn from women - they make excellent teachers (understanding, nurturing and perceptive)

perhaps the patriarchal reign is due to end - back to the matriarchal days of old


Or better yet - a balanced world where male and female reign as equals :)

- we both have so much to contribute - and we can both learn so much from each other, to say that one is better than the other just leads to more heartache and pain - and fear.

Ying and Yang, together.

It is time
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«  » by indigoglow4u
Ying-Yang...

together forever..
balanced,
equal ...
two halves that make a whole. :)

this is such a complete illustration for me...

(i don't get into the two gender thingy...
it's like comparing apples to bananas)

I shouldn't joke about this stuff right now... I think I'd just get mean.
There always seems to be a wee bit of he truth in every joke.

oh well onward ho....
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«  » by Soulsearcher29
giggling at you sshenry...ah piece of cake!! lol
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«  » by raztaz12
Thanks guys for where the thread has gone, great perspectives. :) Loves it
Hugs and cupcakes all around!
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«  » by Patryc
sshenry wrote:Or better yet - a balanced world where male and female reign as equals :)

- we both have so much to contribute - and we can both learn so much from each other, to say that one is better than the other just leads to more heartache and pain - and fear.

Ying and Yang, together.

It is time


indeed - recreation of the androgynous being a being with balanced male and female energies
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«  » by Soulsearcher29
LoL Zadi, thats why your suppose to write them on your forehead and then when you want to remember them, just go look in the mirror...it works everytime, unless of course, if you forget where you wrote them....Im blonde too
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«  » by raztaz12
I'm tearing up that was so funny, I can't bust out at work but i can laugh very silently. :D ahahaha thanks imzadi
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«  » by Soulsearcher29
Zadi, its sad but true, my sig, lol

Your story reminds me of a time, when I was at school and I left my desk for just an instant, came back and somebody stole my pencil...yup, sure did, right off my desk and we were all taking a test. I remember going up to the teacher really mad, Mr. Johnston, somebody stole my pencil and I want it back!!! Then Mr. Johnston said...uh, hun, whats that thing above your ear? lol
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«  » by raztaz12
I love that soulsearcher thats hilarious.

Funniest moment for me was when my english class in grade 10 were walking down the library. I was walking down the stairs and somehow I ended up falling down the entire flight of stairs and grabbing the railing, whacked into the railing with my boob. Got up and couldn't stop laughing. I hurt so bad but all i could do was stand there in front of my entire class and laugh.

I was riding my bike behind my friend and she stopped to wave to my dad who was talking to me. I ended up riding my back right into the back of her. She still mocks me
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«  » by Soulsearcher29
lol, u guys are so funny...I bet that was embarrassing Raz, lol, gotta love it!

High school was so funny sometimes...I had this teacher, who wore flourescent colored shirts to school, oneday he wore a pinkish colored one and one of the boys in my class raised his hand and the teacher said, yes, what do u want? and the boy said, we were just wondering if you were digging through your wife's closet this morning.... you know your shirt is pink dont you, lol
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«  » by raztaz12
lmao those are hilarious!

We had a french teacher who liked to wear the oddest things. She was a rather large woman (250 pounds) and like to wear see through white spandex leggings with a tie up teddy over top of a skin tight tank top tucked INTO the leggings. Then to complete the ensemble, cheetah print fluffy flipflop slippers with rainbow coloured toe socks. I loved her to bits but she was CRAZY.
I was talking to my friend and whipped my head around to talk to my other friend and the french teacher's butt was RIGHT THERE in my face. I could see her underwear through the leggings. It was so funny but so scarring.
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«  » by raztaz12
I am having to hold my nose at work to keep from laughing out loud. Good thing i had so many years practice in church. lol.

I remember this one time in church and this lady got up to the pulpit to sing a solo. She had this extremely low voice and we all had to sing the chorus with her. So she wobbles up with a big sun hat, thick glasses, and leans on the podium because she can't stand up straight. She started singing and me and my brother couldn't stop laughing for the life of us. My dad was even giggling and my mom was smiling and scolding us, stop it, stop it right now (big grin).
Another time my crazy aunt was playing the organ and we're singing this song really slow and softly then she just PUNCHES the organ up and scares half of the people in the congregation to giggles.
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