Empathy vs Sex

[Silverhaze]

So I have this problem. Whenever I become sexually attracted to someone (which for me at least never happens before soul attraction ) I can not stand to let them touch me. I'm not even sure if I'm really sexually attracted to them if I can't stand the thought of having sex with them... but at the same time I wouldn't mind doing other things such as kissing but when I am around them I just can't stand to touch them or have them touch me. It's not all the time just these weird random bouts but I every time I think of sex I just freak out I can't stand the thought of it with them... even though I'm attracted to them...

The only person I've ever considered having sex with and the only person I never have problems touching is my twin flame. However after many many obsticles and odd situations... we've decided we are more like brother and sister so obviously he wouldn't want to be having sex with me.

So here is the problem. I am confused because I feel like I'm missing out on something genuinely human and something rather good. I mean it's not like I need sex to live but I would like to try it because I am sure I will like it... but I'm lucky to even find someone I can kiss without feeling creeped out or disgusted let alone do more than kissing...

I'm not really sure what I should do.

[ReturnStar]

I understand, as much as I think I can...That act holds something real to you. Just find the right person, make a connection on a level you can feel, know yourself enough to know it's right... Really ignore me, I think YOU have the answer to your question.

[Ven]

First of all, how old are you? Not everyone has some magical OMG SEX NOW switch that gets flipped as soon as puberty hits. I myself didn't lose my virginity until I was 24 -- and had no desire to lost it before then. And by the way that was 2 weeks ago. :P

Second of all... for all the fuss that's made about sex, it isn't actually all THAT great. It isn't some magical, mystical, universe-expanding thing. It's more like... that kind of fulfillment you get from scratching an itch, or having a sandwich when you haven't eaten all day and are really hungry. Sex answers a physical need. Some people use sex as a vehicle for fulfilling emotional and even spiritual needs as well, but it is first and foremost a physical act. Unlike eating and breathing, however, it is a physical need that is secondary to basic needs of survival and comfort. Propogation of the species comes after survival of self, in terms of needs we seem to instinctively strive to meet from birth. But it's more complicated than that. Humans can't ever do anything simply. The point is, everyone's sex drive develops at a different rate, from different ages, and strives towards different things.

It's natural to see people glorifying sex and wonder what's wrong with you that you're missing out on it, but you're really not missing out on anything much. If you're not hungry, what are you missing by not coming to the feast? See?

You'll want what you want when you're ready to want it, physically and emotionally and spiritually. Until then, don't worry that there's something wrong with you -- there isn't. The only thing you can do wrong is try to force yourself to take part in something before you genuinely want it -- that's as unhealthy as eating when you're not hungry just because you think something might taste good. It's fine to take a taste -- to kiss, to touch, whatever -- but you'll know when you're ready to stay for the whole meal.

[Silverhaze]

First of all, how old are you? Not everyone has some magical OMG SEX NOW switch that gets flipped as soon as puberty hits. I myself didn't lose my virginity until I was 24 -- and had no desire to lost it before then. And by the way that was 2 weeks ago. :P

Second of all... for all the fuss that's made about sex, it isn't actually all THAT great. It isn't some magical, mystical, universe-expanding thing. It's more like... that kind of fulfillment you get from scratching an itch, or having a sandwich when you haven't eaten all day and are really hungry. Sex answers a physical need. Some people use sex as a vehicle for fulfilling emotional and even spiritual needs as well, but it is first and foremost a physical act. Unlike eating and breathing, however, it is a physical need that is secondary to basic needs of survival and comfort. Propogation of the species comes after survival of self, in terms of needs we seem to instinctively strive to meet from birth. But it's more complicated than that. Humans can't ever do anything simply. The point is, everyone's sex drive develops at a different rate, from different ages, and strives towards different things.

It's natural to see people glorifying sex and wonder what's wrong with you that you're missing out on it, but you're really not missing out on anything much. If you're not hungry, what are you missing by not coming to the feast? See?

You'll want what you want when you're ready to want it, physically and emotionally and spiritually. Until then, don't worry that there's something wrong with you -- there isn't. The only thing you can do wrong is try to force yourself to take part in something before you genuinely want it -- that's as unhealthy as eating when you're not hungry just because you think something might taste good. It's fine to take a taste -- to kiss, to touch, whatever -- but you'll know when you're ready to stay for the whole meal.

hmm I feel a bit of projection here...

maybe I didn't write it too clear... well it doesn't make much sense but it's not that I'm not ready... at least I seriously have my doubts that that is the problem because thus far I didn't even care that I wasn't interested in sex... the thing is I am interested in sex and have been for a while I just can't get that close to people and I don't know why... well I do but I don't
I know it has something to do with my empathy (hence the title) it's just it's not the idea of sex that feels wrong it's the people...
how can I be that selective that only one person is worthy of me?
and that one person is one of the only people that I can't be with sexually?
it doesn't make sense... like there is something missing in the equation...

[Ven]

There's nothing whatsoever wrong with that. At all.

Hundreds of thousands of men and women take vows of lifelong chastity for that same reason -- those in religious orders, those who call themselves things like "brides of Christ" and MANY other religions who don't use marriage as an allegory. Many, MANY people only ever have sex with the person they marry -- after they get married. Many, MANY people do that, and have done it, not only for religious reasons, but because they personally believe that to be the correct and proper order of life. There's nothing wrong with selectivity. That probably shows a certain amount of intelligence on your part, considering being UN-selective can lead to a looooot of problems.

Honestly, I think you're thinking about it harder than you need to. Not having sex isn't going to be a major detriment to your overall quality of life.

You can always take up knitting.

[ScatterBrain]

First of all, how old are you? Not everyone has some magical OMG SEX NOW switch that gets flipped as soon as puberty hits. I myself didn't lose my virginity until I was 24 -- and had no desire to lost it before then. And by the way that was 2 weeks ago. :P

Second of all... for all the fuss that's made about sex, it isn't actually all THAT great.

LMAO! dood... Well, you say its not great. But uhm, u waited till u were 24 for ur 1st... Ist is always terrible, and ur generaly too drunk or stoned to do anything rite. And if ur not u just blow ur load too fast XD
But yeah, 10 years infront of the computer doesnt help either if u know what i mean

[Patryc]

So I have this problem. Whenever I become sexually attracted to someone (which for me at least never happens before soul attraction ) I can not stand to let them touch me. I'm not even sure if I'm really sexually attracted to them if I can't stand the thought of having sex with them... but at the same time I wouldn't mind doing other things such as kissing but when I am around them I just can't stand to touch them or have them touch me. It's not all the time just these weird random bouts but I every time I think of sex I just freak out I can't stand the thought of it with them... even though I'm attracted to them...

The only person I've ever considered having sex with and the only person I never have problems touching is my twin flame. However after many many obsticles and odd situations... we've decided we are more like brother and sister so obviously he wouldn't want to be having sex with me.

So here is the problem. I am confused because I feel like I'm missing out on something genuinely human and something rather good. I mean it's not like I need sex to live but I would like to try it because I am sure I will like it... but I'm lucky to even find someone I can kiss without feeling creeped out or disgusted let alone do more than kissing...

I'm not really sure what I should do.

I have a friend who felt similar to how you describe feeling

she was sexually abused when she was 9

touching guys or the thought of having sex with them virtually makes her skin crawl, although she has actually done that now (shes 29), she's never handled it well

even guys she is attracted to

as a coping mechanism she became bisexual so she still can be intimate but the fact that a male has abused her, left her this way

if a guy gets too close to her she feels like she's being suffocated, this is to her touch and personal space too..

I can't give you any answers I can only give you my experiences I have had with her..

she's a beautiful person

perhaps something has happened in your past that you have buried that has made you feel this way..

PM me if you like, this is a rather personal topic and I understand if you don't wish to talk about it publicly on these boards..

[bluewaterdance]

Patryc raises an interesting possibility. I would try to explore more what the touch aversion is about on an emotional level.

I would questions something else. Even if you are sexually attracted do you trust the person enough to be vulnerable? Like I could think an actor is really sexy watching a movie, but if they suddenly came up to me afterwards I wouldn't be comfortable to do much more than shake hands. You could just be old fashioned enough to really need to know someone and be close before sex is comfortable.

Mostly I don't hear that you lack empathy. It is some other feeling of discomfort that comes up and needs to be explored and addressed.

And I am going to agree with Scatterbrain for the second time in 24 hours. I think fulfillment in life is spiritual, psychological and physical. I wouldn't give up trying to find your balance.

[Anomalia Zelta]

I am like that in a way Silverhaze. I have been celibate/abstinent for ages

[Anomalia Zelta]

For myself I just allow time and do not try to force myself to change because it is too painful for me. I feel when the time is right, the time will be right and everything will be fine. If there are unearthed issues, you will find out what they are in the appropriate time and be able to heal. Maybe like you said you are only for one person and even if you are attracted to someone, you would not venture that route because they are not the person. (Consider your twin flame, you have no problems touching him.) It could be empathy also because you would not want to hurt that person as you know you would not want to delve deeper with them...For me attraction does not mean it is time to have sex even if i am attracted to that person's soul and I like them. There is much more to it than that.

I cannot touch everyone and I do not want everyone to touch me, for me touch is a special thing (especially sexual). I used to think something was wrong with me for being like that, and I talked to my dad about it. He said, " Baby, you have been like that since you were a child, even as a baby, you did not let everyone touch you...it is just how you are, don't worry about it so much." When he told me that, I started thinking and realised that I have been like this since I was little. My mom used to make me feel bad about it, but I was happy to hear this from my dad. Thank you daddy *hugs*....you know honest...even internet hugs...I can only give them to people I feel okay with in my heart.

[Satisfiction]

Silverhaze girl, there is nothing wrong with you... we live in a totally oversexualised culture that uses it to sell everything from cars to dishwashing liquid... don't compare yourself to what the world sells because it's utter crap. Instead listen to yourself and do what feels right for you. There might well be some underlying emotional stuff going on there that you need to sort out first, OR you simply haven't found a person you truly want to do with it... because babe, when you do you will know. Trust me on that one... you will consciously have to hold yourself back!

Sex as a magical, mystical, universe-expanding event versus scratching an itch, a physical need.

Sex can be in both boxes... it's not one or the other. Most people only experience the latter... we have been taught to sell ourselves short, embrace and experience many people - that is what counts. The western world has been heavily influenced by Christian doctrine and we have a very perverted view of sex - that is is just a physical act.
BUT
It can be so so so much more than that. If you read the kama sutra or tantra literature properly (and not just for the sexual positions) you will realise that they teach about creating an ultimate union and spiritual experience through sex. It CAN be amazing and mystical. But most of the time people sell themselves short because they don't truly believe that it can be anything else but a physical act.

[Amur]

Most forget that we are all fully sexual when we get born here. Even as babies we have that sexual energy closely integrated into our whole being, we are just not conscious of it whatsoever and this is what really surprises most parents as they have a viewpoint that 'their child cannot be sexual in anyway' and when they get evidence that it is not with their viewpoint they usually block out their baby/childs sexuality alltogether which can manifest as serious problems later on (just because their own view of sexuality goes with the old Christian-echo).

Atleast I've had problems with my own sexuality just because some jerks told me that 'it's forbidden to play around with that thing' as a baby or a child and punished me quite dearly for doing so. &¤#"¤#& assholes! (Sorry I tend to swear alot )

I must say that I would be really into trying empathic sex or a heart-bond kind of sexual thing paralleling that of Tantra and make a union which would melt both beings into 1 being through Love itself, I'm also interested in it because I think that one could heal ALL psychological problems with it and fill them up with a lot of energy, to be honest I'm quite sure that one could make an A-Bomb of energy exploding into everyplace through that whole act alone Then again I think most egos would tell them that 'they are not worth it' because of 'sins' here and 'sins' there and blabblah... boring.... let's get this cosmic orgasm thing going already shall we?

[Calibas]

I had similar problems when I was younger. An understanding partner helped me work through all that stuff. I felt comfortable enough to admit I had problems and she helped me to get through it.

I grew up in a household where sex was a very taboo subject. In our society it's easy to become ingrained at a very young age with the idea that there's something wrong with sex. Someone said above that our society is oversexualized, I disagree. Television equates sex with blond supermodels and fake tits. If our society was anywhere near being oversexualized we'd at least see nudity on TV. No, instead we're just teased with sexual innuendo. Commercials tell us that buying taco bell will get us laid. It's really just an exploitation of societal wide sexual repression. Anything beyond what TV feeds us is considered "obscene".

I highly recommend tantric sex. Normal sex is mainly an energy exchange of the 2nd chakra, with tantra you can get all the chakras going. This sex is absolutely mind-blowing. If you're a strong empath you can feel exactly what your partner feels, it's a transcendent experience. Goes far beyond the sweaty grunting that most people think sex is.

Will

[Silverhaze]

wow that was a lot more response than I was expecting but thank you everyone

Patryc thank you for your concern but I do not believe it is from a traumatic event in the past at least not a physical one unless it is so far repressed that I can't even feel it

Zelta I think that what you have said has impacted me the most. I've never really been comfortable with a lot of people touching me not just in sexual terms but just like a hug or pat on the back. I guess maybe I thought it would be different when it came to sex. Also since I can tell that empathy is playing a big part in this it could be the fact that I am protecting the other person's feelings, I know I don't want to be with them forever so maybe that is why I can't bring myself to touch them in that way. I always knew with my twin flame that I always wanted to be with him no matter which way. I love him in everyway and so would have no problem with him touching me in anyway.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and opinions. I know with me at least I find it is easier to find the answers to my problems when everyone gives me different perspectives on the matter. If I can understand where all of you are coming from then it helps me see things I've missed. So thank you!

[Patryc]

well the repression happens quite often believe it or not

I myself was abused but didn't have any conscious memory of it until I was in my 30's - when my kundalini woke up and started healing everything I remembered, it wasn't pleasant but it allowed me to move on..

I would have denied it if someone had mentioned it when I was your age but those things work themselves through

[h0bby1]

my sister has this kind of problem too with ppl touching her =) well she lives with it i don't know how she deals with it =) i personnally also have some trouble with some ppl touching me, but i guess its a matter of trust and synergy with the ppl,but i do not feel that with sexual touches, but it may be different with girls =) i guess that being touched remember the fact of physical pressure and agression which come from very ancient age and is deeply into our mind. so i may look scary in some manner to be touched by ppl who you don't know the intentions

[Anomalia Zelta]

***hugs to Patryc*** I am so happy you are healed of the pain

And thanks Silverhaze believe me I am the same way...and you're welcome too lol

[bluewaterdance]

I think the bottom line is that if you pay attention and honor all your feelings then you will come to understand them and find a harmonious place with others. My biggest regret looking back on my 20s is not listening to myself.

[Patryc]

***hugs to Patryc*** I am so happy you are healed of the pain

And thanks Silverhaze believe me I am the same way...and you're welcome too lol

aw thanks

cosmic cuddles