I dont care about leaving this place or where am I.
True peace, true happiness or true freedom is independent of where you are.
It is a psychological state, a perspective.
Environment triggers happiness, peace, but they are not meant to last long, or they are incomplete since you are dependant or may be attached to something other than yourself for happiness.
In the surface I want to terrorise the world.
If I go a little deeper, I want to help the world, I want to teach. But teach what? what do I myself know with certainty other than one or two lines?
But If I think even deeper, I am too detached to care about any world or any people in it. Without struggling they wont learn. Some are too busy in day to day daily life to even think or care about anything more. They are how they are. Impermanence is absolute. Everything is in a flux. I dont need to do anything. They die, they cry, they laugh, I dont care.
I cant meditate for more than some seconds. I used to able to. I had some spiritual experiences to. But each day, i feel less energy, I am losing all the spiritual perception everyday, it becomes less intense. And meditation just makes me even more depressed. But when I started all energy was so intense. I was learning things so quickly.
I started manipulating reality through conscious though.
But then it started going downhill.
Its like I am in an eternal fall.
And meditation just reminds me how I lack those experience form past and makes me even more depressed. I try again and again, but fail everytime....
I dont know what to do.
But I think the only thing I truly want is true knowledge\higher perception\wisdom, peace and freedom.
The only way to do is meditation.
But I cant.[/QUOTE]
Oh try clean your Aura from negative energy that invade your soul and body
Cleaning your aura is essential for spiritual hygiene. By cleaning your aura on a daily basis, you protect yourself against psychic attacks and illnesses. A clean aura is charismatic and will encourage better relations with others. People will naturally be more considerate and grant favors to one whose aura is clean and radiating with energy. Here is where we influence people and get them to do as we wish. Negative thoughtforms used in black magick and generated from the ill will, jealousy and/or anger of others attach to one’s aura and invite misfortune such as accidents, illnesses and so forth. Cleaning one's aura [as long as there are no serious problems] only takes a few minutes a day and is well worth it. When one is ill, and/or depressed, the aura is dirty and can take many meditations to clean. What is within reflects in one’s aura. When there is illness, whether it has already manifested itself, or is pending, the aura will take on a dirty grayish color.
Ideally, one should clean the aura twice a day- upon awaking and before falling asleep at night. Cleaning your aura before you go to sleep is essential. The more people you come into contact with throughout the day, the more thoughtforms and energy will attach to your astral body, often resulting in problems. People’s astral bodies intermingle on a daily basis. As with physical viruses and physical germs, the astral body can be vulnerable to negative energies.
TO CLEAN YOUR AURA:
1. Visualize a bright light all over yourself. Hold this for one or more minutes. It doesn’t take very long.
2. Now, visualize the light even brighter and more intensified on each of your chakras, like a miniature sun.
That’s all there is to it, for a short working. This exercise can alert you to any negative energy or psychic attacks and prevent them from manifesting