I’m 32 in November and have been looking for Indigo information for a while but never seriously committed to it till yesterday. Since then, with the series of uncoincidental things I found, I have been diligently looking for communities.
I’m looking for others to share experiences and hopefully, to help in the shift I feel is coming. I want to help the world in the ways I can and have come to understand that in order to do so…I have to become involved globally and spread awareness about what is really real in order to help humanity for generations to come. As grandiose as that sounds, I feel limited by the small ways I impact the earth, hopefully for the better, and want to join communities committed to helping in the changes to come.
I was put in advanced learning classes when I was in the third grade and even there, always felt like an outsider. Until late high school, I felt like a shiny brown rock (around the logic minded upper income classmates Id been with since the third grade) and would never really amount to anything…despite the fact that I was a desperate overachiever who never felt like anything I did was really good enough. I came across an article yesterday on the net about 2 indigo kids and their mom who lived in the same city I live in…and that there is an indigo haven not far from me. I don’t believe in coincidence so when I read and found that info…I knew I was on the right track.
I hadn't heard the term Indigo till a short time ago, and even then, never seriously considered it had anything to do with me till my personal journey brought me to it...again. I ignored it a few times but, in my quest for truth, can't ignore it any more. Im really trying to pay attention to the Other, the strange happenings in my life that persist and I now identify the fact that it keeps bringing me back to the idea of being an Indigo.
I was brought up in a strict household where a lot of myself was snubbed, but being a 3rd generation Mexican American, when I started encountering strange presences in my room, had premonitions, an uncanny ability to immediately feel the energies surrounding people, I thought it was because I came from a mystic people and not because I was anything special.
Those things scared me for a long time so when I started living alone, I adopted strays, mostly cats, as companions and as helpmates in helping me feel comfortable and safe. I know animals have abilities to sense the unforeseen so when Id wake up freaked or scared as a result of something bizarre happening…Id turn to my companions…and if they were ok…so was I. I am grateful for their help as my energy meters for years now. But I still had no clue as to what was really going on with me. I’m no one special right?
It wasn’t until I started dating my man and he gave me information about Indigo or Magenta children and how, in my town, the gifted program was rumored to have been started as a result of people using psychics looking for specific individuals for the early incarnation of the gifted program that my attention was piqued.
After that, I found some info via the web about persons like me and characteristics that I couldn’t ignore any longer. I have had a challenging time, my whole life, fitting in and not being afraid of the abilities I have, or even acknowledgement of them. I still wonder if I’m just making it all up and am really nuts. But the inner voice inside me…that guides me, won’t leave me alone. (It’s usually not a voice btw…but like feathery feelings that focuses on specific topics that I can somehow formulate into some kind of idea. It’s really hard to explain.) And I find when I have listened to that inner intuition, I have always been lead to amazing things. It’s just still so hard to accept that I really am not crazy. That I’m making this all up in order to feel like I’m more than average. Does anyone else feel like that too?
Let’s see…I can’t see auras and havent had any electrical problems. I'm extremely fluent with electronics really. I do know that I always felt intrigued with electronics, despite the fact that I never felt particularly logically minded. When I broke into the VCR and other such electronics as a very young kid to fix something, I never felt fearful. I knew I could fix it and did. But my love of electronics died after I was told I was only a girl and let the men take care of it...they could do it better. That was normal in my household.
But, I have always been creative too. Creative ventures have always come second nature for me…it’s kinda like breathing. I’d see something or someone do something and it just made sense. I had to work hard to get good at the stuff…but I always, fundamentally, could just see the underlying pattern of how paintings and music and other such things worked.
I play violin in a rock band and am involved with a large group of musicians who are lucky enough to be able to put on benefits for various organizations. I feel so blessed to be able to help those in need. “There but for the grace of God go I.” The way I got into both those groups seems almost impossible too. Just a series of seemingly unconnected events that got me there. One day I said out loud to my man that I'd always wanted to sing in a band...and a few weeks later...it came before me...even though I hadn't played my violin in 9 years and no one knew I could really sing either.
And now, a few short months later, somehow Im concertmaster for an organization thats going to be putting on a benefit for a huge chain of children's nationwide hosptials, working with grammy award winnng musicians and sounds engineers, where the mayor of one of the biggest cities in america is going to introduce. I dont even live in that city either. I live outside it. I am completley blown away by the circumstances. WHat I feel like is when I start searching for something...it kinda just appears before me. And Im still not sure how that happens.
I also am a portrait painter but I didn’t finish college with my fine arts degree(or my degree in violin performance) because I didn’t understand the logic in spending so much money so someone else could tell me I was a good painter and simply couldn’t stand college. I left when I realized the only place Id learn to better my art was in the real world…by working at my craft each and every day. Unfortunately, I haven’t had time recently to do so.
To make money, I renovate houses….mostly going through the basics of sheetrock and other such foundations to get to the painting part. I continue to renovate houses because I realized it was the best and most immediate way to help someone by enhancing their environment for the better…hoping that my work would then, improve their lives…thus making the lives of others better too. I see it as a ripple affect and hope what I’m doing is for the better good than for my own. I really try not to be selfish about it. I know it’s not really me that making things better either.
When I started oil painting at 19, I tapped, unknowingly, into the same emotions I felt when I was literally playing my violin in orchestra…the vibrations that made me feel like I was apart of something bigger than just myself. What seemed to happen, when I “let myself go,” was Id loose myself and I guess, channel the energy around me and through me. It’s like being simultaneously big and small, connected and disconnected. I felt like I was in a “zone,” almost hypnotic, and it was the closest I could feel to being in the presence of God…or whatever is out there.
So I know, fundamentally, I’m not really doing anything accept letting something in and working for its purpose. And as long as it’s positive and helpful, I can’t take credit for what happens. I feel like a tool. Once realizing what I was doing, I have tried to develop the ability by letting go of the facade of this world and comprehend more...the more real things are invisible idea. I hope anyway.
The journey of my job started after years of working in corporate America where I felt I wasn’t accomplishing anything real. Mostly, I felt like I was being sucked dry and killing myself everyday. I got really depressed (which has plagued me most of my life starting when I was very young…my first recollections of anxiety were when I was 6…starting kindergarten…and its never really left.) But with the love and encouragement of my fiancée, I left that all behind, scared out of my mind, and started living authentically, hoping I could make a living off the things I love to do the most…artistic things and helping people. I have been blessed so far.
Sometime I feel like I know things that haven’t been proven yet…and not because I think I’m special or anything. Like…I feel one of my main strengths is helping others by modifying their energy. God…I hope I don’t sound too crazy. Its really hard for me to put myself out there to strangers about the things in my head…sorry…I’m rambling. This is just so scary…to tell you about this kinda stuff…especially when I’ve kept it mostly secret for so long and not all the people I have told have thought I was sane afterward.
Ok…back to topic. When someone is being taken over by negative energy, when they are around me….its like I give them my own energy…it kinda takes the bad away, and they feel shiny and new afterwards. I feel like I amplify the good in them and help them feel and recognize it in them too. I didn’t know what I was doing for a long time and have to be careful because, when I was full of anger and hatred when I was younger, I could easily make the reverse happen. As an adult…I cannot afford to add to the bad in this world…so I try very very hard to make sure I don’t loose control and spread negativity. When I have on occasion, I can make a room thick with it until I make it go away. Some friends have felt me do so and I’m ashamed when it happened in the past. I was really shocked they could feel it too and told me about it.
Also, lending energy takes mine away and I’ve spent most of my life being exhausted…not just because of that by any means. I have always had a terrible time sleeping at night and when I get really really tired… I have full color, feeling, and surround sound adventure dreams. When I get to that point, I usually hide away from people for a while to regather my strength knowing I’m extending myself too far. I’m trying to learn to control the amount of energy I give away and how to gauge it. Now, These answers came to me by the voice inside me. I dont even know if what Im doing is right or wrong or if Im making this up in my head. I've read up on energy, but havent found much about what I feel is going on inside me yet.
But, becasue it's there and not going away, I am now experimenting with the idea of focusing my energy, through prayer and meditation, to specific people in need and also to blanket positivity…to spread energy outward from my body before bedtime mostly, but before hurricanes and other disasters, as a prayer to the world to help. I’m hoping, perhaps, it will mix with other people’s positive energy and/or needs, people I can’t possibly know in person but know are out there, anywhere in the world, and can lend them my support where ever my energy is needed. I’m sorry this is so vague. Like I said, I don’t think I’m that good or special or anything…but I don’t think there’s harm in trying…and I can only hope it works just a little bit.
I have always been drawn to stones and crystals and objects too…despite the skeptic in me, having read both sides of the argument of pro and con, and instinctivley kept only certain things around me to live with. I choose material possessions in our home by how they feel…internally… and by no other means now. Despite the fact that I don’t understand that urge, I feel it’s really important to do so. Does that make sense?
I believe “more real things are invisible,” there is no such thing as coincidence, have been obsessed with books about unexplained phenomena, quantum physics (despite the fact that I’m not good at math yet,) string theory and other such topics such as the 11th dimension and other planes of existence, energy, Paramahansa Yogananda, Deepak Chopra, the Conversations with God series and many many other topics and books…trying to figure this stuff out.
My anxiety and depression, which has plagued me for years, finally got so bad that I started taking medication last September. I had kinda been able to turn off the other side of me, the spiritual side, because I simply couldn’t handle it any more. In conjunction with many adverse challenges in life, I needed rest and had to find some kind of peace because I felt like I was going insane and I didn’t want to have another nervous breakdown. Despite the fact that I’m very distrustful of the medical community (I worked in a hospital for a long time) I simply couldn’t find the help I needed and being a skeptic of everything unusual in myself, I didn’t know where else to turn.
The meds have helped with the issues at hand, but I also find I am still in tune with the spiritual and can handle it better. Now, I’m not necessarily advocating for meds….not at all. I changed my entire life around (diet, exercise, meditation, relaxation exercises, breathing techniques, etc) when I left main stream America and before I started the meds but was still plagued by bigger and harder emotional/spiritual challenges. It’s simply helped me find clarity and I’m very surprised the meds didn’t disconnect me as I thought they would.
And, unfortunately, accept for a few choice people around me, everyone else thinks I am crazy. So I keep this stuff to myself because I simply don’t know for sure. I’m afraid to truly admit that there is something special about me because I don’t see how I can be special like that. Despite the Indigo Characteristics, the strange things I seem to know through my life and are later validated by whatever means, the dreams, the energy, the psychics, saying I was with God before I was born as a small child, the rightness of ideas like reincarnation that goes against everything I learned in the catholic faith I have not practiced in years, the premonitions, and everything else mystical I have experienced…I still cant quite admit to myself that I may indeed belong to something bigger.
So here I am, on the next part of my journey. I hope to find some more answers here and share others experiences. Have you felt like this at any time? How do you cope? How have you come to accept and understand what’s going on with you? I’m very interested in your answers and would love to be involved with things to help the world…even if I’m not special either. Being special doesn’t matter in my need to help. I only know I have to use my abilities, normal or not, to get something going before the shift happens.
Thanks for reading and I’m sorry this was such a long post.