There's a lot of things I'm not sure of; why I'm here, want i want to do with my life, but there's one thing I'm very certain of, my love and desire to connect with animals. I was born with it, its almost like an instinct. As a child i looked up to animals. I wanted to BE like them. i would walk around in all fours, bark, roar all types of things. I'm sure many other kids did things like this but i took it very seriously.
As a child I struggled in school. The teachers said I had a learning disability and I was in "extra help" classes all throughout grade school. In kindergarten, i couldn't focus at all, i was always fantasizing, daydreaming and pondering.
After i turned 12 i began suffering from severe anxiety. I was very paranoid and scared all the time. It was miserable, there were times i would forget to eat because my mind was so preoccupied. Its important to note that i believe my sudden bout of anxiety was brought on by medication. I began feeling like this after receiving a Gardisil vaccine. I believe this vaccine may have been a reason for my deep anxiety through the years, my anxiety reduced but it was always a struggle. It eventually manifested itself in forms of OCD.
In my early teenage years I had a revelation, I began seeing the world for what it was, and once i did, I felt this overwhelming passion to help the world, to bring the people together in unison and make people realize that we all need to take care of each other. I was deeply motivated by this.
I've recently had to face some very mentally trying times that put me through more anxiety then i could bare, this time it was worse because i actually had real reasons to be anxious about. Eventually i snapped. I couldn't do it anymore and attempted suicide. I knew there was hope and i could get help and people loved me but, i was tired. I wanted to go home. A lot of people say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and for many people I'm sure that's true. But it seems that every trying time i face makes me weaker an weaker. I felt as if i was too fragile for this world, that not everyone belonged here. I wanted to go home.
Well obviously didn't kill myself, i called the cops on myself because i was feeling sick from all the pills i had taken And i did not want to die in pain. I figured they would take me to the hospital, pump my stomach and send me home. I didn't think they would send me to. mental hospital against my will,which is what they did. I learned a lot during my time in the hospital and am thankful for that experience. I met so many different people with addiction problems and who were victimized by their own minds. Being the youngest person there at 19, people were puzzled by my eistence there. Id here things like "your a normal girl, they must have made a mistake" or "your so quiet how'd you get in here?".
Id like to say that being in the mental hospital was a big turning point and i got better but, i ant. I've been out of the hospital for a little under two months, i just turned 20 this year and im suffering. I can still go to class and family get together and put on a laugh or a smile but, i s still sobb almost everyday. I still get suicidal. The truth is, i dont understand this world, i thought i did but i dont, nothing makes sense and i still want to go home. I cant be honest about these things because i have a large family who loves me deeply. I play a big role in many peoples lives and i cant do that to them. They were all really shaken up by my suicide attempt and people just treat me differently. They patronize me and if im caught crying or dont seem super happy, they ask me if i took my medication rather than asking me whats wrong.
I believe i may be an indigo child and have heard that these problems are common in us. If anyone has gone through similar things or could share some insight, it would be greatly appreciated