What does my heart desire?

#1
I really need help.. Please hear me out for a while.
I really can't understand myself and sometimes I hated myself for it.

I once loved a guy whom I can never have because of culture tradition. At first, I thought it was just a small feeling for him and it will be over soon, but once I realized, I love him more than anything in the world. He was my world.. Same goes to him. But I was too childish to have such a relationship and argue with him all the time. I regret it so much now that I was selfish. He then pushed me away.. I tried to change and realizes every mistakes I made and tried not to repeat it again, being a better me. Many people likes me of who I am now.

Sadly, even after 3 years... I couldn't not let go and forgive myself.. Every night I still think of him.. Remembering all the times we had once. When it comes to the end of the memories of me and him, there, where I start to cry and looking like a depressed girl. Asking myself the same damn question when I lay my head down on the pillow before I sleep, "Why did I ruin everything?". I did follow my soul mate's advice to move on and don't dwell on the pass too much. I tried. I almost forgot all the pain because I met someone who seems to be trust able but after a while, he became my enemy cause I made a slight mistake. He can't forgive me until now. I am afraid of loving someone now.. Every time I liked, or having a crush on someone, I start to blame myself and trying to stop my heart to have a feeling. This probably some kind of a trauma.. I would like to see specialist to help me get over this but I couldn't because I can't even be honest with my parents.. If they know my story, they would scold me to have such feelings with someone, who I should not be with in the first place...
2 x
I am me :D

Re: What does my heart desire?

#2
I think after 3 years apart chances are he moved on with his life. Of course I cannot know since I am not in your situation; but this is what I believe.

I do not think it is healthy to obsess and attach to someone. It does not end well and in this case, you need to let go so that you can live your life.
This obsession you are having for him will not be beneficial for you in the long run, mentally, emotionally. This situation is making you depressed, so that is a sign that it is not healthy. I can imagine it is hard to let go but think about your life and if this is how you want to live your youth... Being depressed for a guy who you dont have and who moved on with his life... Would this be fair for you?

It sounds to me that you are not able to accept yourself fully right now because you keep blaming yourself for past mistakes. This kind of thinking attracts the kind of people who will also find ways to blame you.

Your past is your past and everyone has made mistakes. Mistakes also bring new wisdom and are sometimes necessary. One needs to learn to forget him/herself so that this person can open up to love.

I think it is healthier to be alone than to be with people who do not appreciate you, who do not really love or care about you. The most important relationship is the relationship with yourself first; so that you can feel worthy and deserving and attract people on the same level.

I think that many times this obsession for another person goes with the belief that we will not be able to find someone equal or better for us. I think that this thinking has to do with a lack of self appreciation and acceptance. In reality, as long as we have a healthy mindset about ourselves and we are open, there will always be people for us. You can always chose to move on, live your life and meet new people for you.

Attachment and obsession are not necessary and just drain life away from you while pushing the person away from you...
2 x

Re: What does my heart desire?

#3
Red Violet 3 wrote:
Sun Jan 07, 2018 1:37 pm
I think after 3 years apart chances are he moved on with his life. Of course I cannot know since I am not in your situation; but this is what I believe.

I do not think it is healthy to obsess and attach to someone. It does not end well and in this case, you need to let go so that you can live your life.
This obsession you are having for him will not be beneficial for you in the long run, mentally, emotionally. This situation is making you depressed, so that is a sign that it is not healthy. I can imagine it is hard to let go but think about your life and if this is how you want to live your youth... Being depressed for a guy who you dont have and who moved on with his life... Would this be fair for you?

It sounds to me that you are not able to accept yourself fully right now because you keep blaming yourself for past mistakes. This kind of thinking attracts the kind of people who will also find ways to blame you.

Your past is your past and everyone has made mistakes. Mistakes also bring new wisdom and are sometimes necessary. One needs to learn to forget him/herself so that this person can open up to love.

I think it is healthier to be alone than to be with people who do not appreciate you, who do not really love or care about you. The most important relationship is the relationship with yourself first; so that you can feel worthy and deserving and attract people on the same level.

I think that many times this obsession for another person goes with the belief that we will not be able to find someone equal or better for us. I think that this thinking has to do with a lack of self appreciation and acceptance. In reality, as long as we have a healthy mindset about ourselves and we are open, there will always be people for us. You can always chose to move on, live your life and meet new people for you.

Attachment and obsession are not necessary and just drain life away from you while pushing the person away from you...
Hello Red Violet 3!
This is so true... I will try my best to let go and move on. I do realize that it is unhealthy for my own self to not let go of the past. Thank you for giving me so much advice!
May your kindness will be repaid with kindness too <3
4 x
I am me :D

Re: What does my heart desire?

#4
Thank you so much Felita.

I read my post again and see that it sounds a bit harsh maybe. I am sorry, dont mean to sound like I know how you should live your life. I just gave you my view on this but of course you know better. You know him and yourself and the situation. I dont. I just gave my insight. But I am glad you found it helpful anyways :)
2 x

Re: What does my heart desire?

#5
Red Violet 3 wrote:
Tue Jan 09, 2018 5:58 pm
Thank you so much Felita.

I read my post again and see that it sounds a bit harsh maybe. I am sorry, dont mean to sound like I know how you should live your life. I just gave you my view on this but of course you know better. You know him and yourself and the situation. I dont. I just gave my insight. But I am glad you found it helpful anyways :)
No, it's not harsh at all, don't worry! :D Sometimes an honest opinion is better than pretending to be sorry, I love it! Thank you for being here and giving me advice cause not all people can give the right and truthful advice so I value it a lot <3
1 x
I am me :D

Re: What does my heart desire?

#6
Of course it's true that it's not healthy, or beneficial to hold on to such things. But... sometimes you have no choice. The heart wants what the heart wants, and if your attachment to that person is strong enough it's like a piece of you goes missing along with them. I know how this person feels so well myself, because I lost the love of my life at a very young age (15), and now in my 30's I'm still not over it and know it's just a void there that cannot ever possibly be filled. And I know the exact same applies to her. Because we never stopped loving each other, we were torn apart due to circumstances beyond our control.

It depends on how much this person loves you back, and only he knows that. But I guess moving on and letting go are 2 different things. I know that her and I will never let go, but there's no choice but to move on. At the same time if we just so happened to be walking down the street some day and bumped into each other we would hold onto each other and never let go again, even if we were with significant others at the time.

To hear that he cannot forgive you saddens me though... for you yes, but for him even more. People that lack the ability to forgive are almost cursed I think in a way, and damned. It's a horrible thing. As much of a mess as you made yourself sound like those years ago when you lost him, you sound much healthier now... like a much better person. Ask yourself if the person you are now would even want to be with someone that lacks the ability to forgive people.
2 x

Re: What does my heart desire?

#7
Thank you LucidDreams
I appreciate your perspective. It makes me wonder if you felt this way about the love you lost such a long time ago because she was somehow special or worthy for you on a Soul level. Its interesting to know these perspectives and do believe that love can be quite a challenge.

Maybe my perspective sounded too rational, and maybe it was because I am not inside the situation so can think about it without the feelings involved. Maybe this perspective is worthy sometimes.
But the pain and the challenges that these situations can bring are real and nothing to be ashamed of I think. Just life experiences.
1 x

Re: What does my heart desire?

#8
Funny you say that about a soul level, as I posted in another forum in here that I'm not sure I subscribe to the notion, but I most certainly know that love at first sight exists, because her and I experienced it. This girl and I kissed as soon as we met for the first time, before even saying a word to each other. I met her via a (female) friend. This friend told me she was bringing a friend along with her when we hung out one day, and assured me that the two of us would get along well with each other. That was a vast understatement. As soon as we locked eyes it was like those eyes said a thousand words without actually speaking at all. Even telepathically perhaps. It was like we both knew what we wanted to do and knew that the other wanted it too, because as I stepped closer to her she got that vulnerable look on her face and puckered up. And it wasn't just some little peck either, it was a deep, passionate kiss, and it was like our lips fit together like puzzle pieces. And right after we were done she held onto me and I held her back. Her friend was shocked, but offered up a timely quip... "Well, now that you're acquainted and all...". That was funny.

We never even did introduce ourselves, ever. Because it was like we already knew one another and had already been going out for years. Our best times together were laying out in her back yard at night on her giant trampoline under a big cozy blanket looking up at the stars. And she lived in the sticks with little light pollution so you could see so many, and many shooting stars as well. Her folks let us lay out there all night as long as we didn't have school the next day. We'd often fall asleep out there.

But if that's a soul mate, why get broken apart? Perhaps we're not specifically meant to be together here in this lifetime, on this Earth, but in the after life? Or perhaps there is just no such thing. But love at first sight most certainly is true. And it can't just be a 1 way feeling, it has to be reciprocated. We both knew that we'd never love that deeply again and that a part of us would die when the time came to split up. Her father got a job offer far away that he couldn't refuse, and she was only 13 and not old enough to choose for herself or would have stayed with her aunt, which she wanted to do. As I was leaving for good she came running toward the car screaming, as a desperate last ditch effort she talked about running away with me. But of course that was so impractical. Heck we were so young that due to child labor laws we couldn't even work enough hours to get a place of our own... and we'd have to do it in secret and forsake everyone we knew, our entire families. Instead we promised we'd keep in touch... talk on the phone and write each other (this was snail mail times), and after we both graduated we'd get married. There was no doubt in our minds at the time but time & distance has a way of separating all things, even the closest relationships. The calls & letters got less & less frequent, until it was only on special occasions, and then never. I don't know who stopped writing who first, it was a combined effort obviously. It just wasn't healthy to both live in misery that way, feeling like half a person/soul, and that the better half was the one missing at that.
1 x

Re: What does my heart desire?

#9
Thank you for putting those into words, both of you :D
I am used to keep my secret to myself to the point sometimes I can't express the right expression for the moment I'm going through..

I will try to let go of the "bad" past and move on, even though, I will not stop loving; Cause we must never stop loving even to those who did wrong. Only love can truly save this world. I do believe that one day we will meet each other again and nothing can separate us but, it has to be the right time, so I told myself to be patience <3 I do made a promise to him that I will wait for him even if it's still long. Every night and day, he is the only face and voice I could see and hear when I am at my peace and my worst. Remembering his smile set my burden as light as a feather.

Once again, thank you so much ;D I can feel that you both are genuinely help from the bottom of your heart. May you both meet your soul mate too and able to survive the challenges given. Bless your soul with much love <3
2 x
I am me :D
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