What does my heart desire?

#1
I really need help.. Please hear me out for a while.
I really can't understand myself and sometimes I hated myself for it.

I once loved a guy whom I can never have because of culture tradition. At first, I thought it was just a small feeling for him and it will be over soon, but once I realized, I love him more than anything in the world. He was my world.. Same goes to him. But I was too childish to have such a relationship and argue with him all the time. I regret it so much now that I was selfish. He then pushed me away.. I tried to change and realizes every mistakes I made and tried not to repeat it again, being a better me. Many people likes me of who I am now.

Sadly, even after 3 years... I couldn't not let go and forgive myself.. Every night I still think of him.. Remembering all the times we had once. When it comes to the end of the memories of me and him, there, where I start to cry and looking like a depressed girl. Asking myself the same damn question when I lay my head down on the pillow before I sleep, "Why did I ruin everything?". I did follow my soul mate's advice to move on and don't dwell on the pass too much. I tried. I almost forgot all the pain because I met someone who seems to be trust able but after a while, he became my enemy cause I made a slight mistake. He can't forgive me until now. I am afraid of loving someone now.. Every time I liked, or having a crush on someone, I start to blame myself and trying to stop my heart to have a feeling. This probably some kind of a trauma.. I would like to see specialist to help me get over this but I couldn't because I can't even be honest with my parents.. If they know my story, they would scold me to have such feelings with someone, who I should not be with in the first place...
I am me :D

Re: What does my heart desire?

#2
I think after 3 years apart chances are he moved on with his life. Of course I cannot know since I am not in your situation; but this is what I believe.

I do not think it is healthy to obsess and attach to someone. It does not end well and in this case, you need to let go so that you can live your life.
This obsession you are having for him will not be beneficial for you in the long run, mentally, emotionally. This situation is making you depressed, so that is a sign that it is not healthy. I can imagine it is hard to let go but think about your life and if this is how you want to live your youth... Being depressed for a guy who you dont have and who moved on with his life... Would this be fair for you?

It sounds to me that you are not able to accept yourself fully right now because you keep blaming yourself for past mistakes. This kind of thinking attracts the kind of people who will also find ways to blame you.

Your past is your past and everyone has made mistakes. Mistakes also bring new wisdom and are sometimes necessary. One needs to learn to forget him/herself so that this person can open up to love.

I think it is healthier to be alone than to be with people who do not appreciate you, who do not really love or care about you. The most important relationship is the relationship with yourself first; so that you can feel worthy and deserving and attract people on the same level.

I think that many times this obsession for another person goes with the belief that we will not be able to find someone equal or better for us. I think that this thinking has to do with a lack of self appreciation and acceptance. In reality, as long as we have a healthy mindset about ourselves and we are open, there will always be people for us. You can always chose to move on, live your life and meet new people for you.

Attachment and obsession are not necessary and just drain life away from you while pushing the person away from you...

Re: What does my heart desire?

#3
Red Violet 3 wrote:
Sun Jan 07, 2018 1:37 pm
I think after 3 years apart chances are he moved on with his life. Of course I cannot know since I am not in your situation; but this is what I believe.

I do not think it is healthy to obsess and attach to someone. It does not end well and in this case, you need to let go so that you can live your life.
This obsession you are having for him will not be beneficial for you in the long run, mentally, emotionally. This situation is making you depressed, so that is a sign that it is not healthy. I can imagine it is hard to let go but think about your life and if this is how you want to live your youth... Being depressed for a guy who you dont have and who moved on with his life... Would this be fair for you?

It sounds to me that you are not able to accept yourself fully right now because you keep blaming yourself for past mistakes. This kind of thinking attracts the kind of people who will also find ways to blame you.

Your past is your past and everyone has made mistakes. Mistakes also bring new wisdom and are sometimes necessary. One needs to learn to forget him/herself so that this person can open up to love.

I think it is healthier to be alone than to be with people who do not appreciate you, who do not really love or care about you. The most important relationship is the relationship with yourself first; so that you can feel worthy and deserving and attract people on the same level.

I think that many times this obsession for another person goes with the belief that we will not be able to find someone equal or better for us. I think that this thinking has to do with a lack of self appreciation and acceptance. In reality, as long as we have a healthy mindset about ourselves and we are open, there will always be people for us. You can always chose to move on, live your life and meet new people for you.

Attachment and obsession are not necessary and just drain life away from you while pushing the person away from you...
Hello Red Violet 3!
This is so true... I will try my best to let go and move on. I do realize that it is unhealthy for my own self to not let go of the past. Thank you for giving me so much advice!
May your kindness will be repaid with kindness too <3
I am me :D

Re: What does my heart desire?

#4
Thank you so much Felita.

I read my post again and see that it sounds a bit harsh maybe. I am sorry, dont mean to sound like I know how you should live your life. I just gave you my view on this but of course you know better. You know him and yourself and the situation. I dont. I just gave my insight. But I am glad you found it helpful anyways :)

Re: What does my heart desire?

#5
Red Violet 3 wrote:
Tue Jan 09, 2018 5:58 pm
Thank you so much Felita.

I read my post again and see that it sounds a bit harsh maybe. I am sorry, dont mean to sound like I know how you should live your life. I just gave you my view on this but of course you know better. You know him and yourself and the situation. I dont. I just gave my insight. But I am glad you found it helpful anyways :)
No, it's not harsh at all, don't worry! :D Sometimes an honest opinion is better than pretending to be sorry, I love it! Thank you for being here and giving me advice cause not all people can give the right and truthful advice so I value it a lot <3
I am me :D

Re: What does my heart desire?

#6
Thank you LucidDreams
I appreciate your perspective. It makes me wonder if you felt this way about the love you lost such a long time ago because she was somehow special or worthy for you on a Soul level. Its interesting to know these perspectives and do believe that love can be quite a challenge.

Maybe my perspective sounded too rational, and maybe it was because I am not inside the situation so can think about it without the feelings involved. Maybe this perspective is worthy sometimes.
But the pain and the challenges that these situations can bring are real and nothing to be ashamed of I think. Just life experiences.

Re: What does my heart desire?

#7
Thank you for putting those into words, both of you :D
I am used to keep my secret to myself to the point sometimes I can't express the right expression for the moment I'm going through..

I will try to let go of the "bad" past and move on, even though, I will not stop loving; Cause we must never stop loving even to those who did wrong. Only love can truly save this world. I do believe that one day we will meet each other again and nothing can separate us but, it has to be the right time, so I told myself to be patience <3 I do made a promise to him that I will wait for him even if it's still long. Every night and day, he is the only face and voice I could see and hear when I am at my peace and my worst. Remembering his smile set my burden as light as a feather.

Once again, thank you so much ;D I can feel that you both are genuinely help from the bottom of your heart. May you both meet your soul mate too and able to survive the challenges given. Bless your soul with much love <3
I am me :D
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