How to use wooden computer for instant internet access

#1
During the second world war, Winston Churchill used rubber underwear as a solution to expensive laundry bills.
This special self cleaning underwear was designed by the Bletchley Park scientific research centre, and a group of young men under the leadership of Mr Ralph Turing, older brother to Alan.
The benefit of showering every 26 months was not popular in Whitehall, and the offer for cost saving on laundry by this replacement underwear was taken up by only a few interested government employees and one minister, who experimented for a short time before being divorced.
It was while Turing was working on breaking the code for the German Enigma machine, that he had the idea to embed copper wiring into the latex suit that connected odour sensors to a block of cedar wood known within the elite circle as Frankie.
The idea of using odour sensing as a communication device failed, and Frankie was dispensed with, having to go to Hollywood to earn a salary as a stage prop in cheap movies.
In the Autumn of 1943, Turing had another idea. His collegues tried to convince him that one was quite enough, and he should quit while he was ahead; but his intense passion for solving puzzles got the better of him. He put down the Times crossword forever, and took up stage speed knitting as the founder of a trio using only chopsticks and a chess timer.
The next year, in 1946, Turing had a brainwave whist watching leaves in the wind, and had a bath. Whilst this left him reasonably morbid and depressed, his co-workers were elated with his new-found cleanliness, and in response polished their shoes with handy goose fat, 2 shillings a tin.
He adapted a haggis left for some months in the kitchen into a form of reverse bagpipe bag, added to a small fan with a reversable generator, and created the first armpit fart power generator, fitted into the rubber underwear. With one device under each arm, it was possible but odd looking, to drive a car while sending urgent Military messages in brail over a long cable. The Ministry of Defence were interested, but saw the snag of the 220 mile cable to be of some small complication. Their attentions were all the inspiration that Turing needed, and he was fired up. He fitted an amplifier and speaker that he stole for the Officer's Mess radio, replacing the theft with Briage, the 3 legged regimental muskrat, who howled just the same as any normal radio station output. It worked!
Messages could be transmitted independatly by shouting long distances, and relayed on from what he called 'nodes' to other 'nodes', instantaneously until they reached their intended destination, in Southall. The Minister was called, and at the following briefing, tried on the prototype suit, that was 26 sizes too big for him. It was shown to work however, and Southall came to be under the Ministry of Defence budget as the new national communications hub at 46 Polymer Crescent, having a kitchen extension and two toilets.
Winston was introduced to the new device, and sponsored a succesful quarterly civil service armpit farting contest, where the winner would get the afternoon off and bag of jelly babies, signed photo of Frankie thinking about going to Hollywood, and pair of used professional chopsticks.
This first device went on through various incarnations and developments to become the easy use solution we have today, whereby we can drive our own cars and send messages by small bits of paper nailed to a tree, using various pens and multiple colours and writing styles; even picrures, and all instantly and to no use at all. Nodes have become so small that they all fit into one blade of grass on the Basingstoke roundabout, which was lost in 2003 while pipe laying was being installed, resulting in everyone under the age 402 going mental because they forgot how to talk in public places.
Meanwhile, Frankie had made his fortune and retired running a part time lumberjack consultancy in British Columbia, and Briage went on to host Stars on Sunday, the Unlikely Lads, and Grandad's Army of Miserable Bastards, starring Brad Armpitt as the comic failed dour American.
This is why most school teachers today have a Brazilian armpit shave, except in France, where teaching is banned in favour of snotty arrogance.
I totally you know, like, uh...the soft underwear they have now...like..cool man, you know, Adobe Mud Bricks 2.3. Its like, uh... the best nailed to a tree. Man.
And the new Offel, better than the old Apple I ate last week. That was offel. More like an orange.
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