So life is bittersweet. Some things we think we understand, but ive learned that there is always an unknown twist we have yet to learn, that we cannot learn until we venture out of the box and live life real to the fullest.
i am both happy and sad...
finish what i had started to say some weeks ago but had no heart
for. Bear with me, I will 'get' to the 'heart' of what i need to
say, what you may not want to hear, what i do not want to say.
What i am about to launch into may be disturbing, if you can not
handle real reality about life and death then do not read my words.
For continuity I'll start with an update of the little ones
pictured above, there are three there, a red, a blonde, and
a blue lamb. The red and the blue are related, in the pic the
blue one looks like it is about to suckle, in reality it got
bunted away in a fairly sharp manner, only the blonde suckled.
The blue one, it is from my prize pet ram named (ahem) Bluu, and
his favorite pal girlyfriend ewe. Trouble was a few days later
the little blue ewe lamb was not getting enough milk. I've seen
enough lambs die in the cold, it is heart wrenching every time.
See the thing is this little one was just like Bluu, from birth the
moment he set eyes on me he attached himself to me, he is the only
one here that i can freely approach anytime and touch anywhere
wihtout fear. I should have known, and known better.
I picked it up because it came to me for help, and i took it into
warmth where it bonded to my family, and it strengthened, and i
returned it to its rightful place with its mother who watched and
waited for it by the gate. Later that night while crossing the
yard i heard that little voice by the gate, and i walked away.
I know it was looking for me, called when it saw me. People
that care for the animals they keep, afer a while they hear their
voices, and know what they are saying. I know.
The next morning I was somewhat happy, thinking that maybe id
give this all another chance since I had a Bluu jr, that she could be
trained to pull a cart, allow milking, or maybe just join a
petting zoo. I turned this whole farm upside down looking for her
she was GONE. And my gate was somehow open just enough to let out
the whole flock, a mistake i do not make, because i know better.
im not going to say how i feel about it because you are all
empathic right? s'nuff said.
SQUELCH THE PITY
Why did my guardian dog fail me? Why didnt i just give in and
take it to the warmth and safety it needed? Why dont i just shoot
the neighbors dog, or was it a two leggged coyote?
I am bitter.
And worse, iam becoming dangerous again.
So, Ill carry on from here to relate last nights events, and then
ill get to the point of what it is i am trying to say that is so...
I have to say these.
I spoke previously about the ewe which prolapsed. After doing all
i could to keep her together, her rectum and her vagina would not
stop turning inside out. My Father shot her at my decision, MY
decision, MY call, MY responsibility for her life. This I accept
although begrudgingly, the circumstances that gave rise to
this event could also have been prevented but are largely out
my control, mostly a conniving of greedy men to be short about it.
yesterday, the prize ewe of my whole flock, and the matriarchal
leader of the flock to boot, she was in labor all day, having
difficulty. I expressed my concerns to the family that I have no
skill or experience to even decide when to start fishing for lambs
nevermind how to do it. There was no prolapsing so i decided to wait,
leave the ewe unpoked, unprodded, unstressed, to do her thing or
not. I was worried, this one ewe is a prize for color, shape,
mothering ability, intelligent and dominant. Always that one
looking for me, listening for my call, none move till she gives
signal and leads. Hear this as my silent inner scream.
Some time later i was awakened by my own startled yell, my father had
touched me to awaken me, standing over me like a ghoul, pressing
me for permission to put the ewe down, telling me she had just
birthed one but...I dont get this, I go out with him and he shows
me her lamb, living, yet she is still trying for the others, I see
contractions, i say just leave her alone. 15 minutes later i hear
CAn you feel the depth of my curses if not the sound?
i am so bitter. But i will keep the honor of the rattlesnake,
to give fair warning of the bitterness of my poison.
This morning, I was in my 'zone' and I saw the ewe like in a vision,
LOST, with 2 little ones. So in my minds place i silently called
my call for her and i perceived that she came, and i could feel
the little ones touching and hovering about my legs, i wont notice them
much and they will stay with me is ok.
Now i have to tell of the pup.
We went to lamb auction one day. Woman sets out a litter of guardian
pups, you know, the kind that will kill you before you kill a sheep.
We had (have) trouble with dogs. So I buy this one myself and tell
everyone hands off, training it right for duty, not a pet. And i did,
i did everything as right as i could to raise this dog for livestock duty.
What i found out long after was that these supposedly purebred guardian
dogs had been purposefully crossed with a breed of hunting dog, which
effectively ruins their instinct to protect livestock.
So christmas past i go out in the morning to see how many new lambs. And
my prize pup who is so, so...unconditionally adoring of me, and obedient,
and a joy...there he is chewing every other new lamb to slow bloody death.
One for him, one for the ewe, none for me. I agonized over it like you would
not believe. We had just rehomed another failed guardian dog for the same
behaviour with older lambs, went to a safe home with love and no livestock...
he got shot in the head by the neighbor for chasing/killing chickens...and
still alive. Because of this, despite our efforts, i decided the fate of
my guardian pup. My Father shot him for me, but dont judge me yet, Im just
now getting to the point i need to make and, hopefully, to your benefit some day.
This past summer I had a ewe get a piece of string wrapped around her hoof.
A lot of things went tits up for me this last year, reely bad, underestimate
the conservative hate at your own peril. So i was frustrated to begin with.
Alone, no help, no facilities for handling animals proper like, no economic
opportunity with anything i touch...like im a economic medusa, Im blackballed
the minute im found out. So there is my state of mind, pushed to the limits.
This ewe has a string wrapped about her hoof and is going lame, I cant have that
on my conscience, to not do something about it. Oh ya, now i remember, a lamb
just died in my arms, so painfully, they dont show pain, do you understand what
I just said. My mind was twisted from this already. So for 3 days i tried
everything i could think of to catch this lame animal, and i couldnt. And i
snapped. I couldnt think straight, and i couldnt stand to see the suffering
again so soon after the lamb, and i fucked up, I shot the lame ewe.
I pulled a trigger, i killed in anger, in frustration.
as of today i have requested that there be no firearms available on this property
10 days later the same ewe's daughter got the same thing happen to her, and I'm
careful to not leave these bale strings laying around. It was so hard catching her
and staying patient enough to do it, and i goddamned payd for it too with bruises
cuts and infection from the sharp hooves.
And 10 days after that my old foundation breeding ram got the same damned thing
the same damned strings around his hoof. i used Psychic Childs Psi techniques
and it took care of itself, still a bit string caught in there but not a problem.
Wrapping it up
What i do and dont want you to know from this is that everything i did, every
decision i made harmed me more than i can express in words.
What ive done is in my own opinion a sin against life, against the principles
of unconditional love. i question if this is actually the unforgivable sin.
To take the life of a thing that depends on you unconditionally for its
own life, to take the life of something that trusts you unconditionally, to take
the life of something that loves you unconditionally.
What i want to say also is that when i did these things there was a little part
inside me that died too. Like a rip in my spiritual heart started bleeding
life energy. Being upset, i also experienced a physical strain, something
physically tore inside my chest, it was painful, and now i have to be careful
to not become into this kind of state of mind and emotions again.
Iv thought a lot about this for a while now, had a lot of questions to settle.
Some of you want to talk about revolution, changing the world etc. Well, this
is what you are going to go through one way or another. whether you lead and care
for food animals, pet animals, or party animals like me. One way or another
wild or not, death and suffering are on the table. It will make you question
who you are, what you are, whether or not you have wut it takes to live, dying
is the easy part. Im told its easier to kill men than animals because men
can make you angry by way of reason, and on purpose.
Think about that for a while before you go and hurt yourself like i have done
with these animals, whose trust was ultimately betrayed. A part of my heart
blackened and died. its not that there is no longer any love there,
it has to be there, if i let myself slip into the blackness of hate...
lets not go there.
My prediction for 2014: I will have weeping and gnashing of teeth. My paradice
so precious will slip from between my fingers, there will be no more new life,
no more new lives for christmas next year. i may not have place or opportunity
to sow the seeds of the three sisters.
For me the path is now darkened. Blaze the shadows, put out the lights.
Im going to settle back now for a while, i have no more time for
headgames, the glory of life's and death's dance surrounds me
and i cannot not play the game in the real world. For now, for my self, i have
to slip into sweet darkness for a time to heal, so i can deal with my own fate.
Those of you who have requested my friendship, you have it, my profile is cleared
and i release you to find your own freed will and your own dooms.
In my case I can't aford to