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Accepting kindness and poisonous suspicious thoughts

#1
When I was younger, I used to be really bad at accepting kindness, always thinking and looking for an ulterior, motive behind everything. Now not so much, without meaning that I stop evaluating the situation with facts. Here is the thing

Let's take three people. A, B and C. A is nice to B and B accepts the kindness and replies with kindness as well to A. B starts to feel an emotional bond towards A due to that kindness exchange, feeling cozy and fluffiness in her heart, which makes her life beautiful and better in general. Then comes C who states that A is not trustworthy and A acts that way because A has an ulterior motive and that A doesn't care for anyone. And now B is feeling a little bit weird, because what C said might be true.

I personally believe that yes maybe there are people who will try to exploit us and approach because they want something for us. But from my experience, being suspicious all the time made me repel people who were genuinely sincere to me. I try to enjoy the moment, but when I hear those things, it makes me a little bit sad inside...What's your opinion about this? Did you have similar experiences?

#2
I think this is quite similar to the way the crows act with their relationships, so in my opinion, if there's something that i've learned on internet is "trust no one", does that make sense to you?

#3
Amontobin wrote:I think this is quite similar to the way the crows act with their relationships, so in my opinion, if there's something that i've learned on internet is "trust no one", does that make sense to you?

Indeed, in fact, we can only trust ourselves in handling those situations in which the other is doing treacherous and questionable things.

#4
I always try to feel the intention behind the action of any person, usually those I start a connection with or I don't trust yet. It works simply as that for me. :)

#5
Miss Mess wrote:I always try to feel the intention behind the action of any person, usually those I start a connection with or I don't trust yet. It works simply as that for me. :)

Oh you must mean that lie detector ability! I have that too. It's like I can smell the fakery in a matter of minutes when interacting with irl people. There have been instances of people who were nice to me and then betrayed me after a few years, but at that very moment, I felt the truth of what they were saying. I could feel that they were sincere.

#7
What if A and C all have good intentions, are honest, and just stating their opinion for your benefit? There is always a snake in the grass and sometimes it is in ones own mind only.
If i seen someone i care about enjoying the company of someone i deemed untrustworthy I think i might hold my tongue if the person was sincerely happy, i would wait to see if the betrayal came to pass, if so then other decisions can be made, one of which is to see the betrayed person happy again.
The hard situation is when one must betray another because one cares for that person.

#8
Frederica Bernkastel wrote:

Oh you must mean that lie detector ability! I have that too. It's like I can smell the fakery in a matter of minutes when interacting with irl people. There have been instances of people who were nice to me and then betrayed me after a few years, but at that very moment, I felt the truth of what they were saying. I could feel that they were sincere.

Lie detector means to be able to spot a liar. Intention means to be able to understand why a person is behaving on a specific way - good or bad. So let's say that lie detector is step 1 and understanding the intention of the person is step 2 but they are not the same thing.

#10
Miss Mess wrote:

Lie detector means to be able to spot a liar. Intention means to be able to understand why a person is behaving on a specific way - good or bad. So let's say that lie detector is step 1 and understanding the intention of the person is step 2 but they are not the same thing.

Oh I get what you mean now.

#11
Tree Wyrm wrote:What if A and C all have good intentions, are honest, and just stating their opinion for your benefit? There is always a snake in the grass and sometimes it is in ones own mind only.
If i seen someone i care about enjoying the company of someone i deemed untrustworthy I think i might hold my tongue if the person was sincerely happy, i would wait to see if the betrayal came to pass, if so then other decisions can be made, one of which is to see the betrayed person happy again.
The hard situation is when one must betray another because one cares for that person.

That can be true too. There is the other possibility however, when C doesn't really care for either of A or B and just lashes at A because C has something personal with A, which is really annoying. I guess that time will prove weather A can be trusted. Seeing how A treats others can give B the right idea about his intentions, I guess.

#12
What if A and B begin this great (and fluffy) relationship, A can see the threat C poses to the relationship but B cant because of emotional bonds. Would it be better for A to betray the trust of B while taking care of the threat from C, or is it better for A to accept the circumstances surrounding B even though it means the end of the relationship?

#13
Tree Wyrm wrote:What if A and B begin this great (and fluffy) relationship, A can see the threat C poses to the relationship but B cant because of emotional bonds. Would it be better for A to betray the trust of B while taking care of the threat from C, or is it better for A to accept the circumstances surrounding B even though it means the end of the relationship?
I guess B must accept that the scenario of betrayal can be possible but try to enjoy the moment of happiness. It's just difficult sometimes to accept the different scenarios, as bonds can make you vulnerable, but then again we can only trust ourselves to handle the emotional pain of that scenario materializing.

#14
Yes bonds make people vulnerable, this is why the saying "keep your friends close and your enemies even closer".

back to the original scenario
If 'B' only accepts the scenario, tries to be happy, relies only on herself to deal with the emotional pain and uncertainty, then where is the relationship with either 'A' or 'C'. IMO, C's actions destroy the A-B relationship by instigating mistrust in B's mind. C's actions also redefines the B-C relationship into an adult=> child or parent=>child set of ego exchanges which will likely not result in an effective adult adult relationship.

idk, i guess my experience is that listening to the advice of those i considered friends mostly wrecked anything that may have turned out good for me, this is why i listen to me and my own council about who is or isnt trustworthy anymore. This makes it my responsibility if i make the incorrect choice. Not that it matters really, i dont think anyone really wants anyone else to be able to be happy unless they can have all that and a bag of chips too.
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