He asks me why I'm cold. There's so much I want to say, but nothing that can make it to even the tip of my tongue. I scoff then look away. There's too much to articulate and by the time I've found the words, the moment is gone.
I watch his back at night in bed. These are the few times I see him. I know once I close my eyes and wake again, he'll be gone with the dawn. It always seems to be like that with us.
"You never want to be with me. You're always gone."
"You're always sleeping," he retorts without a pause. "How can I spend the day with you if you're sleeping all the time?"
"I'm awake right now."
"Well, yeah, finally. Once in a blue moon." This is how it always is. I watch him, a mirage in bed, afraid once I close my eyes, he'll be gone once more. I can't say this to him because he likes to break things when he's upset.
"You never let me in. I'm not a mind reader- how am I supposed to know what you want?"
"I tell you everything that I have a problem with. I don't know what you're talking about."
"I do everything for you and you shit on me. You always shit on me because it's never good enough."
That's not true.
That's not true.
How could you say something like that to me?
I feel like my life is fading by the day, by the hour. Seconds are rolling from my veins and collecting on the carpet. There was a moment in time where I wasn't okay unless I could speak to you and now, I can't stand being in the room with you, though I miss you when you leave. The walls are too tall now, I fear. It's five years at this moment, when I said that I decided I wanted to make it work at all costs.
I am afraid. I am shaking. I call him to the room and he sits by my side. Holding his hand, I look into his eyes. "I want to open myself to you. No more walls, no more pretenses. I'll show you how I feel when I feel it."
He says nothing and offers a tearful smile.
The next day we're arguing. He hurts me. My first instinct would have been to put on a stone face and detach then look at him coldly. I know all the words that could strike him down. Instead, I look at him and began to cry openly and honestly, like I used to when we were young and foolish. He watches me then laughs.
I realize then there's no going back. I empty the tears from my heart regardless then shut down the faucet that connects the heart to my eyes. As each tear becomes a memory, it is then I know we have reached the beginning of the end.
I find myself laying beside you at night and counting down the days, the minutes, wheedling them away with small talk and bold smiles. Each moment I'm with you, I'm being drawn closer to the end, my heartbeat finally slowing. I shiver at the low thrum of my pulse that thrives on your love.
I'm attending my wake. Before long, I'm finally awake.