Cooking with minerals

In 1943 Winston Churchill suffered a pasta attack of over 2 kilos, and was bedridden for 8 hours. Doctors treating him were severely worried about their bill being paid.
The cook was sacked, and replaced with a paperback edition of the Fist of Mars, Keppler Landing, Volume 2. The expurgated version.
Later, the papers were forced to retract comments they had published written by the toes of Lady Agatha Bullstrode, close friend and society confident of Bubbles.
The kitchen was in panic. The Soux chef was unable to deal unreservedly with lemmings for GOP theology. The second assistant saucer was dropped in favour of a silver plate.
Both washer uppers were down.
The afternoon tea was due to be served in 30 minutes and there were no scones ( with or without minerals) to be seen or had anywhere.
Winston faced his darkest Wednesday 3.36pm.
Suddenly, he had an idea, he would think of something. He called the Prime Minister of Ireland. It worked. In 23 seconds, he forget what the effing was on his mind, and effing decided to have coffee and crackers instead. It was, he decided, the sheer luck of the Irish.
The kitchen staff were so glad when they were told by the pantry maid that they took it in turns to vent their relief out the back door, which scattered the cats.
Coffee and sweet crackers were successfully served. The Foreign Minister mixed them up and referred to them as 'buscuits', but was immediately ridiculed by the American ambassador and corrected. All was well, and the world continued to turn at the constant speed.
Congratulations were send in to the kitchen from the second bilious room.
By 4.48pm, it was all over. The strategic mineralogist reserves that were on standby outside the coalhouse were recalled for active potato duties, and the house painters ladders were returned- unused. The 5th regional meatball artillery stood down, and ordered back to barracks. Lastly, the Wyvern Ladies Scout Support 2nd Course pea mashers were thanked for turning up at short notice, and sent home, with a note to return on the next Tuesday morning for the buttered pancake parade and sponsored lymph node cleanse.
In the main hall, the topic of conversation had turned to squeaking shoes and their embarrassing avoidance. How could a normal man, bearded or clean shaven, be expected in these troubled times, to keep his shoes in tip top squeak ability? Yes, it was serious and deeply passionate in its debate, until everyone got bored and looked out the window. Winston furtively picked his nose, and changed the subject to the new railway signal box at Dunster Hampton.
Was it really so much of an improvement over the last one?
The line signal was 1 1/4 inches to the East to allow for the extra width of the Doncaster to Lyme Regis overnight mail express...debate opened and very quickly raged...
If only these fine leaders at the peak of their careers, littering the sofas with their cracker crumbs and coffee farts, had known the terrible drama that would ensue that very day from their innocent remarks; maybe they wold have preferred to talk about Meryl Street gang green instead...or Mickey the Knife, cousin to Mac, as Mac it was then who was in Tobago hosting for the annual palm frond vibration and under 16's long distance gobbing festival.
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